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Friday, March 20, 2009

Rep. Berman and the Dionysian Dance of A Hundred Hoplites

Rep. Leo Berman
Texas House of Representatives

Dear Rep Berman,

I'm very excited about your bill allowing non-profit organizations to award master of science degrees in creation science or any other faith-based pursuit. Indeed, I'm so excited, I'm considering moving to Texas to pursue my dream of offering a graduate program in spartan wrestling studies.

As you are no doubt aware, the highest honor a warrior can give another is to challenge him to wrestle in the manner of our ancient Spartan warrior forefathers, that is to say, naked and oiled. Yet, I find that so many of those I challenge, know very little about the ritual. They are so focused on the moment of domination, the point when the victor drives his hard, rigid Spear of Masculine Victory into the defeated's Cave of Eternal Shame, they neglect the rest of the ancient rite.

But there is so much more to know than that. There is: The Dionysian Dance of A Hundred Hoplites, where the competitors pair up by engaging in the Sacred Invitation To See My Etchings; the mixing and application of the fragrant oils used in The Ceremony of The Great Hardening; the Cleansing of the Cave of Shame; and, of course, the Spankings of Christian Redemption (you'd be surprised how many men want to substitute a Pope outfit for the Redemptor's chaps . Imagine that.  Receiving ones redemptive lashings from the Whore of Babylon--that's the kind of heretical ignorance I hope to correct).

The degree program will also offer a technical track. Lab time will be provided to conduct research on new hardening additives for the fragrant oils--hopefully, we'll finally find a cure for "spear droop." Students will also gain credits by conducting original research in our ribbed sheath and tickler lab.

I'd like thank you for your legislation by granting you an honorary masters degree in spartan wrestling studies. Let me know when you're available to join me at my compound. We could make a whole weekend out of it--spartan wrestling in the day and watching films from my extensive collection of gladiator movies each night. Spartacus!

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. The problem with spartans is that they chose a Scottish guy with a hippie beard to be their king.

    I can handle the leather diapers but the accent has got to go.

  2. General sir, I think Rep. Berman is thinking small - why settle for a Masters when you can put in a little extra work and get a doctorate? Think of it sir, a Ph.D in Spartan Wrestling Studies with an additional specialization in spatula-wielding or gladiator film studies! It could even be paired with a Doctor of Divinty program for those interested in providing faith healthing of wrestling injuries...providing tender nusing care for those with the aformentioned "spear droop" or simply soothing muscles tired and sore from the hours of practice on the wrestling mat, annointing them with scented oil and healing balms, kneading out the knots in the mighty thews of one's Spartan brethern...uh, excuse me sir, I need to... um...check on the melon patch.

  3. When Texas secedes (also thanks to Rep. Berman) and elects Chuck Norris as its president, maybe they can go one step further and stop authorizing degrees in bogus subjects like evolutionary biology.

  4. It really does come down to "we can make shit up" while "your quantifiable research is doo-doo." I expect to see a Texas-sized placard over the east wing that reads "Department of Jesusness."


  5. . . . and Masters of Sciences in Jesusness.

    Of course, the next step is a BS in Jesusness.

  6. Xian-x, I'm with you and when they succeed in seceding hopefully they will return to the stone age foregoing all the benefits of health care and medicine that "evolutionary biology" has brought us. After all you are people of principle aren't you?

  7. Now MJS, to be fair … it’s not so much that they “make shit up”; it’s more like, they believe shit other people made up, a long fucking time ago. Which, come to think of it, is worse; ’cuz at least if they made the shit up it’d show they have a fucking imagination. So, never mind. I take it all back. Carry on.

  8. When Texas secedes, I suggest we join Mexico in declaring war on them, then divide the state between us once we've whipped their buttocks. America can have everything east of Austin, and Mexico can have the rest. We'll even throw in Oklahoma, just to sweeten the pot, and to keep Texas from slipping off into the Gulf.

  9. Boys have the craziest rituals!

  10. Science degree in creationism? Is that similar to the Patrick McHenry Uber-heterosexual Certification? Or maybe the Dick Cheney Constitutional Protection Citation? Just wonderin'.

  11. Those of us who lack the rigorous intellectual skills to pursue an M.S. in Creation Science will have to be content with this non-technical account written for us lay persons.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.