Rep. Leo Berman
Texas House of Representatives
Dear Rep Berman,
I'm very excited about your bill allowing non-profit organizations to award master of science degrees in creation science or any other faith-based pursuit. Indeed, I'm so excited, I'm considering moving to Texas to pursue my dream of offering a graduate program in spartan wrestling studies.
As you are no doubt aware, the highest honor a warrior can give another is to challenge him to wrestle in the manner of our ancient Spartan warrior forefathers, that is to say, naked and oiled. Yet, I find that so many of those I challenge, know very little about the ritual. They are so focused on the moment of domination, the point when the victor drives his hard, rigid Spear of Masculine Victory into the defeated's Cave of Eternal Shame, they neglect the rest of the ancient rite.
But there is so much more to know than that. There is: The Dionysian Dance of A Hundred Hoplites, where the competitors pair up by engaging in the Sacred Invitation To See My Etchings; the mixing and application of the fragrant oils used in The Ceremony of The Great Hardening; the Cleansing of the Cave of Shame; and, of course, the Spankings of Christian Redemption (you'd be surprised how many men want to substitute a Pope outfit for the Redemptor's chaps . Imagine that. Receiving ones redemptive lashings from the Whore of Babylon--that's the kind of heretical ignorance I hope to correct).
The degree program will also offer a technical track. Lab time will be provided to conduct research on new hardening additives for the fragrant oils--hopefully, we'll finally find a cure for "spear droop." Students will also gain credits by conducting original research in our ribbed sheath and tickler lab.
I'd like thank you for your legislation by granting you an honorary masters degree in spartan wrestling studies. Let me know when you're available to join me at my compound. We could make a whole weekend out of it--spartan wrestling in the day and watching films from my extensive collection of gladiator movies each night. Spartacus!
Gen. JC Christian, patriot