President of Poland
Jarosław Kaczyńsk
Chair, Law and Justice Party
Prawo i Sprawiedliwość (PiS)
Michael Grzes
Councilor (Pozna - PiS)
Dear President Kaczyńsk, Chairman Kaczyńsk, and Counsilor Grzes,
Poland has achieved many things since your party came into power. For instance, its become one of the worlds major centers for hating the gay, ranking right up there with Jamaica, Uganda, and Iraq.
But as Councilor Grzes recently noted, The Pozna Zoo's acquisition of a the gay elephant has placed Poland's standing as the Branson, MO of homophobia in question:
We didn't pay 37 million zlotys for the largest elephant house in Europe to have a gay elephant live there.
It doesn't have to be that way. If you look up "gay elephant" in a Chinese dictionary, you'll find that it is a combination of the Chinese characters for "opportunistic," "pining," "bastard," and "fjords." Now I'm not sure what all that means, exactly, but it gave me an idea.Poland first made a name for itself as a bastion of modern hatred when pillow pounding reparative therapy practitioner Richard Cohen was invited to speak to parliament. Why not build on that by using reparative therapeutic techniques to straighten this elephant out and documenting the process on film. I'd be happy to oversee both the filming and the therapy for a nominal fee--let's say 6 million Euros.
I'd go with something much like the Mormon aversion therapy technique with each of you playing an important role in the process--it would make for a more compelling documentary that way. Lech, I think you'd make a great "presenter." Your job would be to show the elephant straight and gay elephant pornography. Jarosław, you'd serve as the "fluffer." You'd have to stimulate the elephant whenever Lech showed him straight pornography. And Michael, as the "disciplinarian" we'd expect you to punch the elephant in the testicles as hard as you could every time Lech shows it gay porn.
I think we'll see promising results almost immediately.
I can put this all together very quickly. All I need is the money up front. Put together a transfer and I'll get right to work.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
