Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

If you like the patriotic work we're doing, please consider donating a few dollars. We could use it. (if asked for my email, use "")

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Documenting an elephant's journey into heterosexuality

President Lech Kaczyńsk
President of Poland

Jarosław Kaczyńsk
Chair, Law and Justice Party
Prawo i Sprawiedliwość (PiS)

Michael Grzes
Councilor (Pozna - PiS)

Dear President Kaczyńsk, Chairman Kaczyńsk, and Counsilor Grzes,

Poland has achieved many things since your party came into power. For instance, its become one of the worlds major centers for hating the gay, ranking right up there with Jamaica, Uganda, and Iraq.

But as Councilor Grzes recently noted, The Pozna Zoo's acquisition of a the gay elephant has placed Poland's standing as the Branson, MO of homophobia in question:
We didn't pay 37 million zlotys for the largest elephant house in Europe to have a gay elephant live there.
It doesn't have to be that way. If you look up "gay elephant" in a Chinese dictionary, you'll find that it is a combination of the Chinese characters for "opportunistic," "pining," "bastard," and "fjords." Now I'm not sure what all that means, exactly, but it gave me an idea.

Poland first made a name for itself as a bastion of modern hatred when pillow pounding reparative therapy practitioner Richard Cohen was invited to speak to parliament. Why not build on that by using reparative therapeutic techniques to straighten this elephant out and documenting the process on film. I'd be happy to oversee both the filming and the therapy for a nominal fee--let's say 6 million Euros.

I'd go with something much like the Mormon aversion therapy technique with each of you playing an important role in the process--it would make for a more compelling documentary that way. Lech, I think you'd make a great "presenter." Your job would be to show the elephant straight and gay elephant pornography. Jarosław, you'd serve as the "fluffer." You'd have to stimulate the elephant whenever Lech showed him straight pornography. And Michael, as the "disciplinarian" we'd expect you to punch the elephant in the testicles as hard as you could every time Lech shows it gay porn.

I think we'll see promising results almost immediately.

I can put this all together very quickly. All I need is the money up front. Put together a transfer and I'll get right to work.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. "Gay" elephant porn? Is there any other kind...?


  2. General, Sir:

    That poor bastard in the photo...Is he, is he one of the results of the genetic havoc that results from stem cell research? He is, isn't he? I knew it, he's a fucking manchyderm! I've heard of 'em, but I'd never seen one before. Oh, the notquite humanity!!

    The Gay Gray Elephant (not to be confused with its close relative the Closetedgay Yellephant) is, fortunately a genetic rarity; though oddly enough, a variant, The Self-hating And Denying GGE has risen to some pretty high positions in the US government.

    Well, good luck to Lech and his people. I think they might ought to be warned that one result of fucking with a 6-7 ton pissed off bull elephant (gay or otherwise) could be a lot of pureed Pole.

  3. Anonymous4:47 PM

    Dear General,

    you somewhat misspelled the last name of Lech Kaczyński and his brother. Also, their party has been out of power since 2007 and it's Poznan Zoo (Poznan is the name of a city).


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.