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Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Jesus, Darwin, and Hitler suit up

Coach Kris Hogan
Grapevine Faith Christian High School
Republic of Texas

Dear Coach Hogan,

You've received a great deal of well-deserved acclaim for your decision to urge your football team's fans and parents to cheer for an opposing team composed of juvenile offenders. That was an act of true Christian charity. I'm sure it did a lot to lift those poor young men's spirits.

And as I learned from listening to a French radio show, This American Life, last weekend, your act of charity also gave you an opportunity to proselytize a young woman. Unfortunately, you were unsuccessful. You alienated her with your claim that Hitler was inspired by Charles Darwin [~20:01] .

But there may be something you can salvage out of that failure--an opportunity to prevent the creation of future Hitlers. All you need to do is play one of those science-oriented high schools, like Harmony Science Academy, and instruct your players to beat the Darwin out of them. You know what I mean, go for the little science bastards' knees, tear up a few ACLs and then taunt them in Jesus' name--things like "That commie nazi Darwin ain't going to evolve that ligament, is he," and "Praise Jesus and I'll quit grinding my cleats into you nuts."

Now, that'd be some sure-fire proselytizing.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

8 comments:

  1. Looks to me like this guy lives out his principles on both ends of the spectrum. I'm not sure I see the need for snark here. Particularly the kind of snark that claims he would behave in a way he has previously demonstrated he does not engage in?

    -1

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  2. I thought Hitler was RAPED by Charles Darwin. And when Darwin was screaming "Feel the power of my mighty eugenics" then Hitler was converted to the evils of evolution. Or something like that. I swear I heard it somewhere.

    As for coach Hogan (no "Hulk" jokes, folks) I have a better idea -- let him send the team from the juvy school to play those sciencey boys. Give 'em a few files to sharpen their cleats with, and some knuckle-dusters (what Yanks call "brass knuckles") to go with their hand taping. I bet those eggheads from the smarty-pants school are a bunch of Einsteins. They won't stand a chance. GO BRUTES!!!

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  3. General, Sir:

    xxmy is either a trollbot or speaking in tongues.

    rwellor:

    You don't see the need for snark? Why, you're right of course. There is no need for snark. The coach is a GODbot and a fucking asshole. Does that work for you?

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  4. rwellor, the guy is saying Hitler was created by Darwin. You don't have a problem with that?

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  5. Okay, I’m confused. How, exactly, does science compel a man to become a fascist tyrannical dictator, to be a raving murderous anti-Semitic piece of shit, to start a war that cost 60 million lives, to murder six million Jews and millions of other assorted folk … ?

    Granted, the fact that the earth revolves around the sun once caused me to rob a liquor store – but come on, that heliocentric bullshit can really fuck a guy up.

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  6. "inspired" by equals "created" by? That's some shift in verbs between the original post and the comment.

    sad...

    I completely disagree with the coach on his second set of beliefs. But I see a guy who is trying to do the right thing, and sometimes doing it.

    Nice to pick on him.

    Since there aren't any compassionless folks around.

    really...

    this is Rush-level shite..

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  7. rwellor:

    The coach is a dick. He uses his position to push his religion on the impressionable. Fuck him. If you think he's right, fuck you too.

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  8. Hitler's cadre attempted to rationalize their genocidal programs using a miss-interpretation of Darwin's theories concerning what drives evolution. The connection is completely spurious.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.