Coach Kris Hogan
Grapevine Faith Christian High School
Republic of Texas
Dear Coach Hogan,
You've received a great deal of well-deserved acclaim for your decision to urge your football team's fans and parents to cheer for an opposing team composed of juvenile offenders. That was an act of true Christian charity. I'm sure it did a lot to lift those poor young men's spirits.
And as I learned from listening to a French radio show, This American Life, last weekend, your act of charity also gave you an opportunity to proselytize a young woman. Unfortunately, you were unsuccessful. You alienated her with your claim that Hitler was inspired by Charles Darwin [~20:01] .
But there may be something you can salvage out of that failure--an opportunity to prevent the creation of future Hitlers. All you need to do is play one of those science-oriented high schools, like Harmony Science Academy, and instruct your players to beat the Darwin out of them. You know what I mean, go for the little science bastards' knees, tear up a few ACLs and then taunt them in Jesus' name--things like "That commie nazi Darwin ain't going to evolve that ligament, is he," and "Praise Jesus and I'll quit grinding my cleats into you nuts."
Now, that'd be some sure-fire proselytizing.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot