Sigma Chi Alumnus
United States Senate
Dear Sen. Chambliss,
As a Sigma Chi alum, I'm sure you're very disappointed with the University of Nebraska for suspending the fraternity. They simply don't understand that what some might call "hazing" is, in actuality, some of the best training for entering the most elite conservative circles a young man can receive.I mean, hey, how many times have you walked out of a meeting with oil or agri-business lobbyists feeling like a stripper had crammed a vibrator up the ol' senatorial chambers? More importantly, do you remember how surprisingly good that reaming felt as the lobbyist whispered seductively about the pleasures of contribution bundling into your ear? It's just the way things are done between consenting Senators and corporations.
Sure, these young men may have engaged harsh pledging techniques, but, by God, they were doing in a ritualistic way, employing metaphor to honor and celebrate the principles of free market capitalism, and by God, I will not sit by silently, while Godless, socialist servants of the academy, run down the American economic system by punishing these fine future apparatchiks of the oligarchy. And you shouldn't either.
That's why I'm asking you to join me in protest against the University of Nebraska's actions. I'm thinking May Day, May 1st, the communist holiday, would be a perfect time to stage it. I'll play the role of the stripper lobbyist, you can be yourself, the "business-friendly" senator.
Send me a note, and we'll tidy up the rest of the arrangements.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot, teabagger
Gen. Christian, I do not think that Saxby Chambliss will be open to your kind offer. I'm afraid that Sen. Chambliss is, perhaps, not a "real" conservative. He did, after all, metaphorically speaking, spit upon one of Our Sainted Troops which as we all know is the first sign of creeping socialism.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure that the boys of Sigma Chi can reinsert themselves into the body of academe with a few rousing choruses of the Sweetheart of Sigma Chi. Who can hear such tender words of love as "When the world goes wrong, as it's bound to do And you've broken Dan Cupid's bow And you long for the girl you used to love the maid of the long ago" and not melt into a puddle forgiveness?
Nebraska is known as the Cornhuskers, right? And the stripper used a smooth plastic vibrator for her arse interrogation techniques? So it coulda been worse. And next time, maybe it will be!
ReplyDeleteGeneral, Sir:
ReplyDeleteI'm sure that Senator Chappedlips will do the right thing and order an investigation of the University of Nebraska's discriminatory policies toward the Greeks of Sigma Chi.
Sir, I know that like GOD, you sometimes like to test us--just to see if we're paying attention. Well, I, Sir, for one, am. I noticed immediately that the University's spokescommie was a hizpanic. Juan Franco? I'll bet his great-grand uncle the Generalissimo is muy pissed and mortified (I mean other than the being dead part of mortification), boy howdizenga! if you get my meaning. Why back in the day, they'd put a hot poker up some punk commie's ass and not a word would be heard from anyone. And why is that? (some might ask). Well, it's simple. You don't like the way we treat commies, and you wanna make noise about it. Those bub, are commie tendencies--knowudi'msayin?
I'm from Nebraska, Sir; I can tell you this for a fact: None of this happens when you have sufficient "stump broke" cows to form a buggery buffer. There's an old saying on the range: "Nothing is better for the inside of a boy than the outside of a horse." Well, Sir, there's another saying we used to hear around the barn: "Nothing's better for the outside of a boy than the inside of a heifer". Just be careful that you don't try it with a steer or, worse, a bull.
Hey, they're just the leaders of tomorrow honoring their Greek sexual heritage today.
ReplyDeleteInteresting that one of the charges was “forced and unconventional alcohol consumption.”
ReplyDeleteIt would be unconventional for someone to have to force me to consume alcohol, seeing as how I’m usually pretty willing to consume it. Just sayin’.
Counsellor von Ebers:
ReplyDeletePerhaps the forcing was necessary because it was Everclear, instead of a nice single malt.
Court records show that Sigma Chi pledges were, in some cases, forced to take shots of vodka and Tabasco sauce until they vomited, and were penetrated anally by a stripper with a vibrator.I'm pretty sure highly qualified lawyers signed off on this if not before the purported shenanigans then within a month or two after.
ReplyDelete++++
'O retched youth
sweeter spouse of Pan
the wry sonnet of Spring
puppet of our leather Bambi
verdant poopy hole of edumacation!
++++
Where i come from, being penetrated by a stripper with a vibrator is not hazing! It's a reward for a job well done. Of course, I am from San Francisco
ReplyDeleteGeneral, I’m almost sure the persecution of the fine young scholars at Slug-n-Chug is the result of a simple misunderstanding by the school authorities. And the hazes. And the stripper. And the liquor store clerks. And the cow.
ReplyDeleteMr. mjs, Sir:
ReplyDeleteIs that bit of verse by Oscar Wilde?
Didn't Rush state that anal rape with a light stick is no worse than fraternity hazing? I seem to recall something along those lines, though like His Rushness I have difficulty recalling specifics without a transcript.
ReplyDeleteSo what's the problem with the University of Nebraska? I thought they were in the heart of God's Country. If Rush says it's good enough for our troops, then its good enough for our future Republicans, too. Buncha America-hating islamocommies up there in Nebraska, I think.
democommie:
ReplyDeletelondoners liked prose just a bit wilde
leaving behind the mundane and the mild
in england, so uptight
yet so earnest in the night
poor oscar brought to ruin by a trial!
++++
I too recall Rush saying that, JWC-M. Kinda' begs the question does it not?
ReplyDelete------------
(MJS, you inspire me)
Wilde, England's true Queen,
Sublime excess his forte
Went to Gaol to play. ;-)
Jeffrey Wagcroft Conspiracy-Monger:
ReplyDeleteIIRC what Rush actually said is that:
"Bumfuckery, in the pursuit of KKKristian Salvation, is no vice."
Just some indoctrination into the Republican torture (sorry, "enhanced interrogation") techniques. Just keeps them on their toes, so to speak.
ReplyDeleteAlbert???