Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

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Sunday, May 03, 2009

The Nude Barbie Project

A call to Mattel:
MATTEL: Thank you for calling Mattel. This is Leslie, how can I help you?

HARGRAVE: I have a complaint about a Barbie doll.

MATTEL: OK, I can help you with that. Can you tell me the product number you have?

HARGRAVE: It's the Happy Birthday Barbie Doll.

MATTEL: And what's the problem with the doll?

HARGRAVE: I got her home and disrobed her, only to find out her body is just smooth molded plastic.

MATTEL: [Pause] Her body is smooth molded plastic.

HARGRAVE: And I read that she was supposed to be "anatomically correct."

MATTEL: No. I'm sorry sir, we don't make anatomically correct dolls.

HARGRAVE: She looks like a hood ornament. And I was disappointed, because I don't know how young girls are supposed to learn about the female figure from this toy. Do you know what I mean, Leslie?

MATTEL: No sir. I don't have a clue. I'll be glad to pass your concerns along, though.

HARGRAVE: Are you going to send me a Barbie that is truly anatomically correct?

MATTEL: No sir. As I mentioned to you, we don't make an anatomically correct doll.

HARGRAVE: Would you consider making one in the future?

MATTEL: No sir.

HARGRAVE: Don't you make customized Barbies?

MATTEL: No we don't, sir.

HARGRAVE: I think you do sell personalized Barbies.

MATTEL: We used to have a doll you designed yourself on the Internet, and that doll is no longer available.

HARGRAVE: Have you ever seen a nude woman?

MATTEL: Pardon me, sir?

HARGRAVE: I said, if you've ever seen a nude woman, their anatomy does not look like this! There are markings, and hair, and other discolorations!

MATTEL: [Pause] Well sir, I'll be glad to pass your comments along.

HARGRAVE: So you don't sell one with the breasts and genitals drawn in properly.

MATTEL: No sir, we do not.

HARGRAVE: Do you think one of your factory workers would be able to draw them in with a Sharpie?

MATTEL: No sir, we won't be willing to do that for you.



  1. Pity the poor, underpaid call-center employee. We are forced to be nice with asshats and assholes of every caliber and description.

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  3. >Do you think one of your factory workers would be able to draw them in with a Sharpie?General, Sir!

    I did this Back In The Day with one of my sister's Barbies. She went straight to Mom, natch, and Mom said, "David, that's not very nice." I had the distinct impression that she was desperately trying not to laugh.

  4. If Yahweh behaved like Mattel there would have been only one set of humans, and they would have perished rather quickly. Unable to procreate, urinate or defecate, they would have died from sepsis that first day or two. A sadder pair of dolls does not exist.



We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.