I was a sniper for the Idaho Militia

CPT James Ambrose
Idaho Citizens' Constitutional Militia

Dear CPT Ambrose,

Please accept my application for the sniper position you are advertising on your website. I don't think you'll find a better candidate for the job anywhere.

You see, I live for sniping. There is nothing I love more than taking my .50 cal Model 82A1 Barrett semi-auto slaughtermaster--I call him Chuck, after Chuck Norris--out for some prairie dog mayhem. I hate prairie dogs. They live communally, you know--like communists, God damned communist rodents. They say they live in towns, but they're more like hamlets, God damned Vietcong hamlets. That's what they are.

Anyway, I was telling you about my love for sniping. God, I love Chuck. Ain't nothing better than that moment when I pull his butt hard against my shoulder, rub my finger on his trigger, slowly coaxing it back until that triumphant moment of release when the 660 grains of wadcutter ecstasy explodes out of his chamber, shoots down that 29 inches of hot hard steel and erupts out of his muzzle in a glorious eruption of masculine power. Ohhhh, God it is good. There is nothing like it. It always leaves me spent and exhausted, but with a kind of indescribable floating feeling. You know what I mean; the kind of feeling where your whole body feels as if it's been infused with liquid joy and all you want is a cigarette and a little Barry White music in your headphones.

Chuck is always with me. I take him everywhere. A lot of the men in my own militia don't understand that. It's why I, a militia general, am willing to serve as a sniper under a mere captain. I prayed about it and the Lord told me you'd be more understanding. 

There's nothing wrong with a man sleeping with his rifle and doing certain things to increase that special bond between them. I mean, why should Sgt Cletis or anyone else care as long as you use a lot of gun grease and are careful about preventing anything from getting into the muzzle. You know what I mean. It's all part of our culture.

Well, let me know when to report in. I've already picked up the uniform.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot