Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

If you like the patriotic work we're doing, please consider donating a few dollars. We could use it. (if asked for my email, use "")

Monday, June 15, 2009

April Rose ain't saving no Spermatazoan Americans

Raechel Myers, My Charming Kids
Jennifer McKinney, Finding My Feet
Angie Smith, Bring the Rain
Compelled Childbirth Activists

Dear Mrs Myers, Mrs McKinney, and Mrs Smith,

Like you, I was heartbroken to learn that baby April Rose, the poor little malformed infant who was brought to term solely so God could take her soul after an hour of extreme pain and suffering, was in fact a doll. But I don't blame you for being taken in by this story, nor do I believe you deserve blame for turning it into a huge promotional vehicle for your web sites and the compelled childbirth movement. It was just too good a story to pass up.

I mean hey, here you had the Sarah Palin story in the making--heck it's even better than the Palin story because the prospective mother was told the baby would die a painful death but carried it to term anyway. Palin didn't face that, and, hey, she's a lousy role model anyway -- who's seeing to Trig's special needs. It's no wonder the oldest got knocked up.

With April Rose back in her box, you're going to need a new compelled childbirth poster person to promote. I think I'm that guy. At least, I hope I'm that guy, because I'm in trouble. The fates of billions of unborn-Americans are in my hands...literally in my a mason jar I'm holding.

You see, I've been working hard to end the Tube Sock Holocaust for a number of years now. I take a hands-on approach in which I liberate God's tiniest children, the spermatazoan-Americans, into mason jars I then house in my cellar. A few weeks ago, I noticed that some of the little guys in the older jars looked a bit discolored. Upon further investigation, I discovered they emitted an odd odor and tasted rather peculiar as well. My doctor refused to do more than look at the jar, but he said something about "mobility" and then started laughing.

So that's my problem. Obviously my cellar storage idea isn't working out so well, and I have 27 quarts of pre-born spermatazoan-Americans I need to get into uteri right away. Can you help me do that? Can you help me find homes for these tiny citizens.

You're my last hope. I'm desperate, and I still haven't figured out a new way of housing the ones I'm currently liberating. Right now, I'm releasing them them directly into Sheila and Sherry, my militia morale sheep, because it's warm and cozy in there, but that's a temporary solution at best. I need a better solution.

I hope you can help me out with this.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste, biblically appropriate, and non-morale-sheep kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Update: Making a few bucks off April Rose.


  1. I think the proper approach regarding the Mason Jar Militia would be one of "Don't ask, don't smell."

    As for the fake fetus named April Rose: good on you, Beccah Beushausen! You could have cobbled together a fake abortion doctor, but you resisted the easy way out by sticking to your principles (or your principles stuck to you--whatever) and choosing to keep the fake fetus alive. Yes, had it fake lived it would have fake suffered fake horrible pain, and those who follow your blog would have been wrung through an emotional wringer, but it was all for a good cause: the cause of righteousness and salvation. Well, fake righteousness and fictionalized salvation, but who are we to quibble?


  2. Certainly not me, I'd be the last to quibble over the road to salvation. The way I understand it any road will do as long as you accept at the end or just before the end.

    As for the Mason jars, I would forgive and forget, I'm not sure the world is ready for that many more Generals.

  3. Beccah wasn't crazy, she was brilliant! I'm out to buy a baby doll this minute and pretend I'm knocked up!

  4. Also, the solution of spermatazoan Americans and man-fluid emulsion, if allowed to sit for several months and thicken, makes an excellend drywall spackle.

  5. The forced birthers and the Obama birthers should get together and make Kenyan prebirth certificates for all the ova and sperm not yet united, gestated and born.

  6. Anonymous5:34 PM

    Turns out, a lot of Chicagoans are bat-shit crazy too. Who’d’ve guessed.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.