Dick Bott
Bott Radio Network
Dear Mr. Bott,
I understand why you banned Mars Hill's Pastor Mark Driscoll from your Christian radio network. His sermons on the need for wives to take their husbands little soldiers into their mouths are a little jarring to Christian ears at first. Heck, when I first learned of the practice, ten years ago, I'd have agreed with you. It was the kind of thing that only libislamunistfascists like Bill Klinton did. Worse than that, it was a corruption of one of our most cherished and manly cultural warrior traditions, "the sharing of the spunk." It's an ancient and sacred, and, above all else, heterosexual, rite shared by history's purest warriors from Elric Wildtongue to Larry Craig.
But take another look at that sermon. Driscoll states very clearly that it's not a loving act, but an act of submission and subjugation. And perhaps just as importantly, it isn't supposed to be reciprocal. So you see, it's really very Baptist if you think about it.
Still, Driscoll could suggest adding a few elements to ensure that thingy gobbling is more easily identified with submission and subjugation than with tenderness and love. Ear grabbing would be a good start. Nothing says ownership better than a little ear grabbing.
I bet if Jesus had married Mary Magdalene, he'd have been an ear grabber. Yeah, sure. He'd whip his little redeemer out while she was doing that very kinky submissive feet washing thing with her hair, and yeah, you know. Picture it. Our Lord, Jesus standing there, holding onto Mary's ears, moving her head back and forth. Angels singing Barry White songs. White doves fluttering around the greatest O-face ever seen, until....wow! Hosanna! Hosanna! Hosanna!
OK. I'm sorry. I got a little carried away with the spirit there, but surely, you understand. You just gotta grab some ears and go with it.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
A helmet tip to mirele
