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Friday, June 26, 2009

It's not sinning if you hold onto her ears

Dick Bott
Bott Radio Network

Dear Mr. Bott,

I understand why you banned Mars Hill's Pastor Mark Driscoll from your Christian radio network. His sermons on the need for wives to take their husbands little soldiers into their mouths are a little jarring to Christian ears at first. Heck, when I first learned of the practice, ten years ago, I'd have agreed with you. It was the kind of thing that only libislamunistfascists like Bill Klinton did. Worse than that, it was a corruption of one of our most cherished and manly cultural warrior traditions, "the sharing of the spunk." It's an ancient and sacred, and, above all else, heterosexual, rite shared by history's purest warriors from Elric Wildtongue to Larry Craig.

But take another look at that sermon. Driscoll states very clearly that it's not a loving act, but an act of submission and subjugation. And perhaps just as importantly, it isn't supposed to be reciprocal. So you see, it's really very Baptist if you think about it.

Still, Driscoll could suggest adding a few elements to ensure that thingy gobbling is more easily identified with submission and subjugation than with tenderness and love. Ear grabbing would be a good start. Nothing says ownership better than a little ear grabbing.

I bet if Jesus had married Mary Magdalene, he'd have been an ear grabber. Yeah, sure. He'd whip his little redeemer out while she was doing that very kinky submissive feet washing thing with her hair, and yeah, you know. Picture it. Our Lord, Jesus standing there, holding onto Mary's ears, moving her head back and forth. Angels singing Barry White songs. White doves fluttering around the greatest O-face ever seen,! Hosanna! Hosanna! Hosanna!

OK. I'm sorry. I got a little carried away with the spirit there, but surely, you understand. You just gotta grab some ears and go with it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A helmet tip to mirele


  1. Have they found the exact chapter and verse in the Song of Songs where Christ slips his rock-hard manhood into the church's quivering honeypot?

  2. General, you've made a believer out of me. I somehow knew religion in the Noerthwest would be so much better than in these parts. I'm open to go whereever god leads me as long as it's in the Northwest. How I understand what drives you. You can sign me up for any apprenticships that might become available, deacon, ass't pastor, money collector, whatever the need. I await your guidance, but this is religion I could practice, sign me up.

  3. It is very worrying to imagine that the Savior may have enjoyed His body. The entire foundation of Christianity could end up shooting its wad. And where would that lead us? Satisfied and happy is no way to go through life.


  4. General, Sir:

    I know I'm going to Hell just for having read this, so what the hell. I would just like to point out that at no point in the gospel does it talk about Jesus getting laid. At all. How does that not suck, sir?

  5. Richard, the Bible doesn't mention Jesus taking a leak either, but one must have faith that he did.

  6. Anne:
    You're right! I've never thought of that. Odd that I haven't too, given the # of times I've used the phrase "holy sh--."

  7. Mon General,

    Thanks for saving that picture from the bit bucket. Apparently it was removed from the BP article since I wrote to you about it.

  8. I can understand Dick's hesitance. Rev. Driscoll recommends a website called Christian Nymphos that has the temerity to suggest that some women don't throw up during sex. Hussies.

    (PS - General, I'm sure the resemblance between Ofjoshus and Mr Garcia and some of the couples pictured on that ungodly webiste is pure coincidence.)


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.