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Monday, July 27, 2009

Amazon Review: "Leaving Homosexuality"

I love Pam Spaulding, but sometimes I have my doubts about her commitment to the heterosexual lifestyle. My concern only increased when I read what she had to say about Alan Chambers's latest book, Leaving Homosexuality. "How," I wondered, "could Pam argue with the nation's most prominent ex-gay leader of an ex-gay organization?"

I decided I had better read and review the book myself. You'll find the my Amazon review below. Please consider recommending it so that Amazon can list it as its "most helpful favorable review."

4.0 out of 5 stars Absolutely Fabulous, July 26, 2009
By Gen. JC Christian, patriot (Tremonton, UT United States) - See all my reviews

With the possible exceptions of The Bible, Hemingway's A Farewell to Arms (Scribner Classics), and Carle's The Very Hungry Caterpillar, "Leaving Homosexuality" is the best book ever written on the subject of repressing one's inner homosexual. It is absolutely fabulous.

As a non-practicing homosexual, Alan Chambers has years of experience suppressing his most basic feelings and urges. He understands that one never overcomes homosexuality; one merely creates a character, a heterosexual character, and lives the rest of his or her life as if it were a play; no, not a play--the theater is not very hetero--it's more like living life as a character in a Chuck Norris movie but with God in the Norris role.

That said, I was very troubled by one particular piece of advice he offered. Actually, not by the advice itself, but by what would happen after following such advice. It's in Chapter 9, "Dealing with Temptations and Critics." It's the part where he writes about "imagin[ing] every temptation through to completion." That does not sound like a very effective strategy to me.

Think about it. Is it even possible to imagine the temptation through to climax? I mean, hey, you start out thinking about a sailor and how his big deck gun strains against the tight fabric of his cute little sailor suit and the next thing you know, you're patting your robertson like your the USS Arkansas pounding Rommel's positions at Normandy. And that's if you're able to restrain yourself. If not, you're sliding into a pair of assless chaps and running off to one of those biker bars where none of the bikers ride bikes.

There's no resisting it; homosexuality's siren song is way too strong. That's why you need an after action strategy, one that punishes you for giving into temptation, one that involves a big, muscular, hairy, leather-draped guy named Gunther wielding an Oxo Good Grips Brushed Stainless Steel Spatula. Only that, only the delicious redemption of Gunther's sting on your tautly-muscled masculine butt, over and over again until you scream out the Lords name, "Jesus, yes, oooooooh Jesus" will allow you to once again achieve the level of self-denial you'll need to perform in life's Chuck Norris movie.


  1. Tally ho, Private!.. a blog well done..once again, you have exposed those genetically malformed and inferior male CREATIONISTS for not knowing the most simple biological needs of the sperm-> to be swimming and dancing around in another mans fecal lined anal cavity before the dry ice fog is pumped in..Amazon Reviews needs more transcendental naturalists like yourself.

    Keep The Faith,
    Terence McManus

  2. If Chambers goes too far in his repression he could end up fucking himself, which may not technically be considered an act of homospooging but it's too close for cumfort.


  3. Jesus' General, I'm video whoring. Remember Pastor Leroy Swailes? Here's a remix of his testimonkey:

  4. Gar! Try this:


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.