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Thursday, September 03, 2009

Will Glenn Beck Gather the Courage Needed to Accept City's Key?

I bet Mayor Norris would be grateful to hear how you support his decision to give Glenn Beck the key to the city. You can contact him at (360) 336-6211 or You might also consider giving the Skagit County Young Democrats a donation so they can busy themselves and not ruin Beck's big day. You can reach them at

Mayor Bud Norris
Mt Vernon, WA

Dear Mayor Norris,

You're a brave man. Most mayors would shy away from honoring Glenn Beck, a man who claims that nearly 60% of your city's voters cast their ballots for a Nazi. Yes, you have 6,605 constituents who might be angry that the man you are feting says their president is a big, scary Negro who is hell bent on stealing money from white people. It's a big risk you're taking. Your courage is commendable.

But, unfortunately, Glenn Beck is not your match when it comes to bravery. He's a frightened little man, given to exploding into crying jags in front of millions of people and whining when a trucker ruins his quest for a Wendy's Frosty™.

You might not be able to coax him up onto the stage to receive his key to the city if he spies one of the 192 black or 6,589 hispanic citizens of your city. Beck reacts to melanin as if it's a big hairy spider with huge fangs. He's deathly afraid that darkly-hued-skinned people are plotting to give us all the swine flu.

Of course you could just round up all the blacks and hispanics and hold them until after Beck leaves, but that still leaves as many as 6,605 Obama voters to deal with. Beck calls them fascists and says they're working with a secret army Obama's mustered to destroy him.

Maybe it's best if no one is present at the ceremony. You could always leave the key to the city under a rock in front of City Hall and let him pick it up himself. He might like that. It'd make him feel like a commando, a great white avenger snatching the keys of white entitlement from its hiding place.

But then again, why give him the key. It's not very useful. It doesn't unlock anything. What he really needs is advertisers. He's lost a lot of them lately. Maybe you could ask the Skagit Valley Militia to step up as a sponsor. I bet it's cheap. They could probably pay for a years worth of ads with a single batch of meth.

Well, good luck. I think you'll need it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Bonus: Glenn Beck exposes commie art at 30 Rock.


  1. The key to the city? So Beck can let himself in whenever he feels like it? Can you imagine? Is that guy wearing a THC patch or what?

    Mmm...THC patch...


  2. General, Sir:

    If it's the Skaghit Valley how come they're doing meth instead of smack?

  3. At least Mayor Norris didn't give him The Shovel to the City. Because Glenn Beck wants to kill people by hitting them in the head with shovels. I'm sure they deserve it -- Scarynegrofascistocongressman Charley Rangel in particular -- but that might not be good for tourism. Although I'm sure the city would be overwhelmed by patriotikkk visitors in appreciation.

  4. So Glenn Beck wants Fox viewers to think that the NBC Building promotes commie art, and therefore NBC is a commie network?

    Oh, come on. No one is that stupid!!

  5. And Samuel bought newspapers, and preachers, too. He gave them this simple lesson to teach, and they taught it well: Anybody who thought that the United States of America was supposed to be a Utopia was a piggy, lazy, God-damned fool. Samuel thundered that no American factory hand was worth more than eighty cents a day. And yet he could be thankful for the opportunity to pay a hundred thousand dollars or more for a painting by an Italian three centuries dead. And he capped this insult by giving paintings to museums for the spiritual elevation of the poor. The museums were closed on Sundays.

    K. Vonnegut, God Bless You, Mr Rosewater

    .. I wonder why the artwork is as cynical and subversive as it is...

  6. I must raise a glass in support of Glen Bock, shovel-wielding negro-banger, for which not enough can be said about his patriotism.

    Without Glen Bock, where would other chickenhawks go to roost?

    Some people might say he raped and murdered a defenseless female in 1990, but I think that is just some misguided attempt to give Bock "a taste of his own medicine".

    I mean, who do they think they are? Anonymous Legions?

  7. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

    A lot of statements with no reason or evidence. Such as "this is Mussolini." How does he know that?

    Oh wait....

    And oh, yeah, beating swords into plowshares is biblical, not atheistic communism.

    "They will beat their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks. Nation will not take up sword against nation, nor will they train for war anymore. "
    — Isaiah 2:4 & Micah 4:3

  8. Looky here, Vallor, I read that site saying Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990. There is no proof that Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990.

    This repetition about the speculation over whether Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990 reminds me of how certain patriotikkk people would try to create a link where none existed, like using the words "Saddam Hussein and 9/11" or "Barack Obama and terrorist" in the same sentence. Is it fair to say over and over that Glenn Beck might have raped and murdered a young girl, or even to go on different websites post links to the investigation of this issue? Because that would only add weight to the story.

    Whoever reads this, I do NOT want you to think about Glenn Beck raping and murdering a young girl in 1990 whenever you think about Glenn Beck.

  9. Just watched the Beck/NBC video. He's spot on when he suggests that no real American would celebrate farmers and workers! I would totally party with a major capitalist like him, were it not for the possibility that Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990. Thank you, Bukko, for pointing out the possibility that Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990. Gotta keep an open mind.


  10. One of your best, General.

  11. Anonymous12:02 AM

    I am SHOCKED by the very possibility that Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990. Why have the mainstream news organizations been afraid to cover this story, even if it's only vaguely possible that Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990?

    So many people are now talking about Glenn Beck raping and murdering a young girl in 1990 that it simply MUST be true on some level. At the very least, the media need to be asking these questions!

  12. OH MY GOD! I just Googled to see if I could find out any more info about the possibility that Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990 and it said there were 254 MILLION results for that term! That's like 80 times as many people as Hitler murdered!!!! (I might have to re-check my math on that -- numbers are not my strong point.) How could any man ge away with such monstrosity?!?

  13. jcricket,no one is that stupid?
    You don't live in the USA do you?

  14. Mussolini is UNDER YOUR BED and he is going to SMASH YOU ON THE HEAD with a HAMMER and then SLIT YOUR THROAT with a SICKLE!!!!! And those bearded dudes you see at the bagel store having a nosh? MARX AND LENIN!!!


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.