Mayor Bud Norris
Mt Vernon, WA
Dear Mayor Norris,
You're a brave man. Most mayors would shy away from honoring Glenn Beck, a man who claims that nearly 60% of your city's voters cast their ballots for a Nazi. Yes, you have 6,605 constituents who might be angry that the man you are feting says their president is a big, scary Negro who is hell bent on stealing money from white people. It's a big risk you're taking. Your courage is commendable.But, unfortunately, Glenn Beck is not your match when it comes to bravery. He's a frightened little man, given to exploding into crying jags in front of millions of people and whining when a trucker ruins his quest for a Wendy's Frosty™.
You might not be able to coax him up onto the stage to receive his key to the city if he spies one of the 192 black or 6,589 hispanic citizens of your city. Beck reacts to melanin as if it's a big hairy spider with huge fangs. He's deathly afraid that darkly-hued-skinned people are plotting to give us all the swine flu.
Of course you could just round up all the blacks and hispanics and hold them until after Beck leaves, but that still leaves as many as 6,605 Obama voters to deal with. Beck calls them fascists and says they're working with a secret army Obama's mustered to destroy him.
Maybe it's best if no one is present at the ceremony. You could always leave the key to the city under a rock in front of City Hall and let him pick it up himself. He might like that. It'd make him feel like a commando, a great white avenger snatching the keys of white entitlement from its hiding place.
But then again, why give him the key. It's not very useful. It doesn't unlock anything. What he really needs is advertisers. He's lost a lot of them lately. Maybe you could ask the Skagit Valley Militia to step up as a sponsor. I bet it's cheap. They could probably pay for a years worth of ads with a single batch of meth.
Well, good luck. I think you'll need it.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
Bonus: Glenn Beck exposes commie art at 30 Rock.
