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Friday, October 23, 2009

The Opinuary Column

The Opinion "You can't buff a turd" has died as a result of injuries suffered during a turd-buffing contest that was held in our nation's capitalism. Apparently, you can buff a turd if it is of a consistency that allows for that sort of thing, but a government that operates on such a belief is likely to be so busy buffing turds that it will be covered in shit before you can say High Colonic. It is believed that a surfeit of lobbyists offering to put a shine on a mounting pile of shit may have led to the death of the Opinion (a case of too much of a shitty thing). The Opinion leaves behind a stench of work-related miseries and a shitload of friends and relatives.

Born among the assholes of our Founding Fathers, the Opinion led a quiet life until television came along, an appliance whose ride to media primacy eventually led to citizens asking embarrassing questions as to why our country was trying to kill small yellow people working in rice paddies. The first known public "buffing of the turd" was held on the White House lawn during the annual Easter Egg Hunt festivities in 1967, at which time napalm was used to counter any and all egg-cloaking foliage. This event turned out to be a turd of such epic proportions that it had to be buffed by a team of fecal-buffing experts, working around the clock until they all ended up with shit for brains. Seriously, if you ever visit our nation's capital stay off the White House lawn.

After the 2000 selection of George W. Bush to be our nation's Cheerleader, turd buffing became the nation's largest growth industry, resulting in the massive hiring of thousands of lobbyists, pundits, apologists, fabulists and fatuous carnival barkers, who plied their trade polishing the ever increasing pile of shit that had grown inside the bowels of our businessment* class. Be it wars based on lies, sweetheart deals for government contracts, environmental degradation, securities fraud, et al, each scurrilous exploitation of the Commonwealth required deft and rapid turd buffing on a scale never before seen on this or any other planet. Oh, what times it had!

In lieu of flowers the family of the deceased Opinion asks that you wipe that shit-eating grin off your face.


The Opinuary Column appears Friday afternoons at Jesus' General.

*Business + Government = Businessment (this portmanteau was employed here because fascism jumped the shark and stubbed its anus).



  1. The Mythbusters showed that it's possible to buff a turd, anyway.

  2. Ask not for whom the turd is buffed: it's buffed for thee. Just put it on the mantle below the singing bass.


  3. MJS, you talk like a nurse! We are much concerned with the substance of which you speak, and we banter about it often. That's why we don't get invited to dinner parties much.

    My favourite medicalese abbreviation if "FOS". It means "Full Of ..... uh, Something."

  4. "The first known public 'buffing of the turd' was held on the White House lawn during the annual Easter Egg Hunt festivities in 1967..."

    It must now be revealed to the public-at-large, and that is not to say anyone is 'obese,' that those were not 'eggs' on the WH lawn in '67. In fact, thanks to the superior, if top secret, turd-buffing abilities of the CIA, developed since the end of WWII, much of what was eaten in Washington from 1945 onward were turds buffed, shaped and cleverly painted to look like foodstuffs. The initial successful human turd-buffing experiment, conducted at Los Alamos in July of 1947, resulted in David Broder's head, frequently mistaken for a UFO.

  5. Buffed turds are particularly good for making into lipstick, which can then be used on pigs.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.