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Friday, November 06, 2009

The Opinuary Column

The Opinion "Freedom isn't free" has died after a brief illness, owing in large part to its inability to pay for badly needed medical treatment. Having spent its early years being invoked to shut up dirty fucking hippies, its later years degraded into increasingly violent confrontations with health insurance companies and their motto "Health Care Isn't Free, It Isn't Even Health Care." With no more Free Time on its hands, it joined the ranks of the approximately 45,000 Americans who die every year because, well, you already know why.

Born during the era of The Vietnam War Isn't Free it was viewed as a comforting remonstration against anyone who ever pussifyingly questioned the rightness of our nation's bloody habit of killing brown people in far away lands. After returning to civilian life it suffered from a variety of ailments, many believed to be a result of traumatic head injuries suffered in bombastic verbal combat. Never exactly sure why Freedom wasn't Free, nor able to say just how much would have been a fair, going-rate price for Freedom, it mostly shook its fist at traffic and listened to Agitated Merakin (AM) Radio.

Having married its childhood sweetheart (Sex Isn't Free) only to discover its mate wanted to keep its night job, it sought a divorce (that wasn't Free) and lived out the rest of its years as a Free Spirit. Not. It fought its addiction to Crystal Meth (Cheaper Than Coke But Still Not Free) and Tobacco (the first carton for soldiers was Free, but after that, not so much) with grit and determination, which it had in buckets (buckets that were Free but had to be returned when it was done with them).

In the weeks before its death, the Opinion was often observed meditating on a litany of uncomfortable realizations: it had discovered that its apartment wasn't Free, its bar tab wasn't Free, its groceries weren't Free and, having failed to appear in court on misdemeanor charges, it suffered the additonal ignominy of facing the fact that indeed, not even its DUI was Free ($250.00 just to post bail!). Its only words to the judge were these: "In the bastardized yet immortal phrasings of Kris Kristofferson: Freedom's just another word for something that isn't free..."

Family of the deceased Opinion are asking that, in lieu of flowers (which aren't free) that each and every one of us do our part to dismantle the Military Industrial Complex until all that's left is a small, fossilized pile of Dick Cheney's draft deferments, which will be placed in a museum where tickets will be sold if you want to get in. War isn't Free, ya' know!


The Opinuary Column usually appears (for free!) Friday afternoons at Jesus' General--this pre-Friday noon posting is the exception that proves the rule. Heh.



  1. I'm crossposting this (I was crossdressed when I wrote it):

    I've had my "eureka" moment!

    The anti-healthcare teabaggers are against healthcare because they're for sexual chastity and GODLY heterosexuality. You all just think they're stupid flibbertygibbets, but they've been paying attention. They have that list of countries that allow teh GAY to openly serve in the military AND have universal healthcare--look at the frikkin' overlap! If we allow HQ to become the designation for HOMO QUEERS 'stead of Head Quarters we will HAVE Government deathpanelinternment camps in a matter of hours! 11tyoneSQUARED!!

    Sorry I forgot to turn on "Spellsmasher" and my Random Caps utility.


    You said;

    "The Australian Army's job is generally one of peacekeeping, nation building, disaster relief, search and rescue, and the like. Strange how different the perceived roles are. (Yes, they do kill people, but weirdly, they try not to unless absolutely necessary)."

    That might explain why Australia, a country the size of Texas plus Rhode Island has fewer people in it than Canada*. If your army was more efficient at killing people they would encourage settlement like we did!

    *Courtesy Wikipaedophile.

  2. Mr. mjs, Sir:

    I regret not indicating that my crossdressed crosspost had some connection however transgenital to your erudite, yet firm screed--and if I remember what it is, I'll be back to tell you. Thank you for doing what you do.

    "Commenting AIN'T Free!"

  3. Now I know where the modern-day bards hang out.

    I think this death is probably due, particularly because too often it had been assumed that the price to be paid was at the muzzle end.

    Besides, once properly entrenched, it is free, but within the confines of civility.

    Oh well...

  4. This is a great post and these are great comments and my nipples just get hard reading them and I think I may have said too much.

  5. I guess that means that war is costly.
    Freedom is, in fact, free.
    And health-care is ... still nonexistent.
    It's place has been usurped by health insurance, which is a fancy racket with which a small minority beat and commodify the lives and health of the majority.

  6. Whatever happened to, “The past isn’t dead. It isn’t even past.” Or, maybe, “Faulkner is dead. He isn’t even Faulkner.” Or something.

  7. The past isn't Faulkner.


  8. This just in: The past is still dead. Or, is that "This just in, Churchill is still dead. Or, is that "This just in, Newt Gingrich is still irrelevant".

    And I always though that Freedom was just another word for Nothing Left to Lose.

    This just in, Kris Kristofferson is still dead. Oh.....just his career then.

  9. Faulkner's dead? No one sent me the memo!

  10. Mr. mjs, Sir:

    Love is free! The "Free Love Clinic", otoh, has a $200 co-pay which is exactly the amount that nice lady at the drinking establishment was asking for her services. I'm not sure if I said "yes" before the drink she "mickey finned" kicked in. No matter, the wallet I was carrying belonged to a SB minister who dropped it in a Minneapolis Airport men's room. His credit cards are already maxed out.

  11. I think I meant to say “Faulkner isn’t dead. He isn’t even Faulkner.” Then again, it was a Friday night, so anything’s possible.

  12. Given that it's hard to get any two people to agree on the particulars of what "freedom" is, I'm not sure how much it's relative value matters.

  13. Thomas,

    Have a few and catch up. Clearly, you are not drinking enough.

  14. I always thought it was “Fem-dom isn’t free.” Damn, have I been barking up the wrong tree.

    So to speak.


  15. Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose....

  16. Freedom might not be free, but as ex-realPresident Snarlin' Dick told us, "deficits are free." And tempoPresident Osama is determined to prove that Cheney was right!


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.