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Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Why do you think they call them "rams?"

Larry Elsea
Superintendent Southwestern School District

Dear Superintendent Elsea,

You were wrong to fire Dan Delong for allowing his students to read an article about homosexuality in the animal world. It was an English class. He wasn't trying to teach biology, he was teaching the students to think critically, and that article was the perfect tool for doing so. The author's bias as a transsexual is obvious. Certainly the students could see that the behavior she cited as being "the gay" was nothing more than typical heterosexual funplay.

Read this passage about bighorn sheep and I think you'll see what I mean:
Male big horn sheep live in what are often called “homosexual societies.” They bond through genital licking and anal intercourse, which often ends in ejaculation. If a male sheep chooses to not have gay sex, it becomes a social outcast. Ironically, scientists call such straight-laced males “effeminate.”
For crying out loud, we're talking about male bighorn sheep here. They're the warriors of the sheep world. They spend all day ramming each other in violent head-on collisions and all night doing the same from behind. It's about as heterosexually masculine an act as one can perform. Anyone who has ever spent time in a high school locker room or at a Boy Scout camp knows that a little cob licking and bumjugging strengthens the bonds of brotherly comradeship and builds team cohesion. Adding women to the equation just makes it all dainty and foo foo and destroys the team. Heck, just look at the Beatles.

The same is true about the Japanese macaques the author claims are "lesbians." There isn't a high school boy in the country who doesn't enjoy watching Japanese ladies lick each other all over. Certainly, they understand that the same is true for male macaques as well. It isn't lesbian behavior; it's a Saturday night with the parents out and the Cinemax unlocked.

And for heaven's sake, everyone knows that lesbianism is a myth, anyway. Ladies can't have sex with each other; they don't have little soldiers.

Surely, you can see what the teacher was trying to accomplish. The author's claims were far too outlandish to believe. He was simply teaching the students to approach secular reading in a critical fashion. That's a skill they'll need when biology teachers make them read books that challenge biblical truths.

Please reinstate Mr. Delong, immediately.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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  1. I had forgotten about the bonobos love of penis fencing. En garde! Touché! Le spooge!


  2. Whoa, General. For a moment there, I thought the dude in the picture was this guy.

    There are some who call me, “Tim.”

  3. General, Sir:

    Is Neil Horstly involved in this, somehow?

    Counsellor von Ebers:

    I am not nearly so worried about the ramheaded wizard as I am about the killer bunny--'e is unspeakably evil.

  4. Demo: That rabbit’s got a streak o’ mean a mile wide.

  5. My astrological sign is Aries. There's a Ram in there and none of you should neglect my birthday next year.

  6. General, Sir:

    I think I found a typo in your post:

    "Please reinstate Mr. Delong, immediately"

    Shouldn't that have been:

    "Please REINSERT Mr. Delong, immediately"?


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.