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Monday, November 02, 2009

Stone the todger waggers

Bryan Fischer
Host, American Family Assn's "Focal Point"
Executive Director, Idaho Values Alliance

Dear Brother Fischer,

I saw your post about the Twin Falls Girl Scouts having a hard time finding a headquarters because all the available sites are near registered sex offenders. That doesn't surprise me. I've been to Idaho. It's shaped like a man's rifle and grenades. You can't swing an O'Reilly ReamMaster 5000 around without whacking a dozen perverts. And heck, let's face it, inasmuch as Idaho requires public urinators, blow job enthusiasts*, and 19 year-olds who fornicate with 16 year-olds to register along with rapists and child molesters, the state is bound to have an over-abundance of sex offenders.

I feel bad for the Girl Scouts. Thank God you have an idea that could serve as the basis of a good, Christ-based solution to their problem:
We clearly must do something more permanent with sex offenders - either lock them up for life or put them to death if they are guilty of the rape of a child. If either sex offenders or the Girl Scouts have to be inconvenienced, I vote for sex offenders.
I agree. If giving life sentences to pissers, mouth fornicators, and teen lovers will create a more pleasant ambiance at the local Girl Scouts HQ, I say, "Throw away the damned keys."

But is that really enough? Why must we coddle these horrible criminals by giving them free housing and meals for the rest of their lives? Do we really want to live in a world where our tax monies provide life-long shelter for those who would put their little soldiers in others' mouths or give tongue caresses to little sailors in boats? Should our prisons be a safe place for a man to wag his todger in front of more decent criminals?

I think not.

Lets bring back stoning. It'll give communities a a way to achieve closure after they discover a theatrical urinator, gobbler, or a pair of teen sweethearts in their midst. And, what the heck, we could give the Girl Scouts the stone and beard concession.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

*Idaho Code §18-8304 lists "crime against nature" as one of the offences that require registration as a sex offender. It provides no definition of "crime against nature" other than a citation for the section dealing with the crime, Idaho Code §18-8304, which provides:
Every person who is guilty of the infamous crime against nature, committed with mankind or with any animal, is punishable by imprisonment in the state prison not less than five years. [emphasis, mine]
Since every other crime (adultery, fornication, etc) is defined in that chapter, one must assume that the Idaho Legislature believed that a "crime against nature" (an act that could be performed with people or animals) was so "infamous," it need not be defined. Obviously, they are talking about oral sin, an act so heinous a president was impeached for it.

A helmet tip to Brother Brayton. Read whar he has to say.

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  1. Why, I’m starting to think Brother Brayton’s wagged his own todger on occasion.

  2. I don't think the stoning idea would work, because wussy-pussy liberals would say it's too much like what the Mahometans would do. Although there's hope for stoning with the Scalito Supreme Court!

    My solution is to redesign the Girl Scout uniform, with an eye to how the Islamofascistwomen'sliberationists do things. I'm thinking Kevlar burqas.

    If every Girl Scout had to wear a bullet-proof burqa, then no sex prevert could stab them with a knife or a blunter object, if you know what I mean. There's no mouth hole on a good Afghan-style beekeeper's suit, so mouthcrimes against nature would be prevented.

    These burqas could be designed as a one-piece outfits that could be sealed so that the tender Girls Scout's cookies could be locked inside, and only their mother or other appropriate owner would have the key. Certainly not the girls, in case they were ever tempted into immorality!

    If every Girl Scout had to wear these, would Scouting be popular or what? They'd feel so safe! Just like they are in Mahometan countries, where you NEVER hear about Girl Scouts getting raped by sexofeelyacs. And the lack of rape accusations is not just because wimmenfolk get stoned to death in rape cases because now they're impure and they asked for it, the sluts. It's because Islamopuritanofascist countries love their women, and protect them! Especially the Girl Scouts.

  3. Whilst everyone deserves rehabilitation, and society needs a way to keep these people passive, i'm not so sure that allowing sex offenders to smoke marijuana & get stoned is the right way.
    What sort of example would society be setting if we allowed sex offenders of infamous crimes resulted in nothing but a bit of a buzz and the munchies for pizza?
    The only positive effect I can think of is that the stoned offenders may be more inclined to by Girl Scout cookies.

  4. General, Sir:

    I think BC has hit, unwittingly, upon a great idea. Instead of stones, let the pervofascists be pelted with LAST YEAR'S leftover GS Cookies. It will solve two problems.

    A.) By using last year's cookies up in such a manner the GSA will not be competing against itself when out selling this year's batch.

    3e.) It will be a lot easier to sell this sort of punishment. I mean who's gonna raise a stink about a perv getting "S'mores'd to death"?

  5. Visit Idaho: The Infamous Crime State!


  6. Isn't Idaho the potato state? How'd the spud get left off the stoning menu, I mean if we're talking about stoning with Girl Scout cookies...

  7. It's got "ho" in its' name is all I'm saying. I'd-ah-HO. Is this even the kind of place we want our Girl Scouts to be in the first place? Just asking for trouble if you ask me.

  8. Joe V: Officially, Idaho is known as the Gem State. Can you have an “official” nickname? I dunno. But according to Wikipedia, “nearly every known gem has been found there.” In Idaho, that is.

    Then there’s this.

    Cheers from the Land of Lincoln.

  9. Well, I dunno about infamous crimes, but a famous one seems to be MIA here. Isn't Larry Craig from Idaho? And wasn't he arrested for some kind of man-on-man solicitation?

    Is Larry Craig on the Predator List? Is he allowed within 100 feet of an elementary school? Within 100 feet of a Girl Scout Cookie Sale?

    Inquiring minds want to know.

  10. jcricket:

    I find your snide remark about Mr. Craig to be, well, snidey. Mr. Craig is certainly no danger to little girls. If, however, there is a Jr. Undercover Male Detectives' troop in the area, there could be a problem.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.