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Monday, December 07, 2009

Invisible Texans Protect Us From Evil

Tedd J Petruna
Neutral Buoyancy Lab

Dear Mr. Petruna,

Thank you for your courageous actions to save AirTran Airways Flight 297 from being hijacked by Islamic terrorists. If you had not been on board, (OK, you weren't actually on board, but you know what I mean--if you had not been pretending to be on board) no one would have stopped foreigners from speaking foreign words into cellphones on the airport tarmac.

Who else would have noticed that the form of Spanish they spoke was grammatically identical to Arabic, or that their western dress was in fact the traditional Arabic thawb and ghutra an iqal, or that the two men actually numbered eleven? And who else would have known that terrorists always hold a semi-public showing of their home-made porn before they commit an act of terrorism?

You noticed all this remotely, from a thousand miles away.

But then, as you note, it's the kind of thing we should expect from a Texan. Our Glorious Leader (ret.), George W Bush, witnessed it recently. Photos from his Christmas party show his house packed with invisible Texans.

And that makes me wonder if Osama bin Laden might also hail from the Lone Star State.

Think about it. Here's a guy who plotted 9/11 from Iraq by being in Afghanistan and leads the current insurgency from his HQ in Afghanistan via his hideout in Pakistan.

My God, the man is as Texan as Tom Landry.

Someone should notify Debbie Schlussel.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot
Fall Fundraiser: Please give if you can.


  1. Coming to a theater near you: Loud talking! Foreign language! Rude brown person! Intrigue beyond your intriguiest dreams! And don't forget the Palm porno! Listen to the yelps of the Lone Star hero as he cries Jihaaaaadddddyyyyy little cowpokes!

    I saw it with my own eyes that were not my own! Giddyap at full speed to your nearest theater! Yeeee-hawwwww!!!!!


  2. General, Sir:

    I think such incidents as this one are the reason how come the aeroplane companies won't let me fly unacoompanied or unmedicated.

  3. So maybe Jill Stanek deleted her gushy little post about Pres. McFlightsuit's party because 1) her host didn't appreciate her behaving like a tourist and treating his home like some sort of Texas Disneyland, complete with photos; 2) her rather obsessively detailed description of the layout of his house, grounds and security arrangements made the Secret Service nervous, or 3) Bush didn't appreciate the disclosure of off-the-record bits of conversation, esp. about the current Speaker of the House.

    One can only wonder what the dinner conversation was like. Did she discuss dead fetuses over the appetizers?

    Whatever the reason, Ms. Stanek showed a profound lack of class by posting it at all. And someone should tell her GOOGLE IS FOREVER. LOL

  4. I haven't bothered to check, but does Tedd "Big" Petruna happen to moonlight writing scripts for Jerry Bruckheimer or the "24" TV program? I mean the bad guy shouting "infidel dogs" and the Texan manning up with "I got your back!" are just priceless if wheezy action-movie lines. And how fortunate that, if Tedd had actually been there, the 'dry run' terrorists were nice enough to costume themselves in 'full dress' -- making it easier for the good guys and the home audience to spot the miscreants. The only thing lacking was Tedd gunning them all down in the end in a hail of bullets from an Uzi in each hand, and then muttering "Hasta la vista, baby" with a manly smirk. (Perhaps that bit will be in the final draft.) Yes, the threat is real -- of more mediocre action scripts from the fearful right.

  5. I've always wondered about them texans...

  6. In the 60's NASA spent over twenty million dollars to develop a pen that would write properly in zero gravity.

    Do you know what the Russians did?

    They used a pencil.

  7. "Invisible Texans" - the very best kind!!!

  8. But wait, there's more!


  9. Mr. mjs, Sir:

    Are you telling me that the entire crew, the passengers and everyone else at the Atlanta Airport are on double secret probation. Is Dean Wormser gonna drop the hammer on Capt. Blutarsky and his Co-pilot Flounder?

  10. Hey, General, your good friend Debbie Schlussel is doubling down on Petruna’s story. Let’s all stop by and show some love!

  11. Yes, democommie, that is exactly what I am saying.



We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.