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Friday, December 04, 2009

The Opinuary Column

The Opinion "the War in Afghanistan is different from the War on Christmas" has flown into a craggy mountainside and died, the impact crushing the sleigh and scattering the contents willy-nilly, the various guns and rocket launchers broken to pieces across the barren rocks that roll down to the pock-marked valley below. Amid the cacophony of AK-47s and surface-to-air missiles, one can just make out the muffled cries for aid from the tiny Military Industrial Complex Elves as they spend the last full measure of their devotion, beyond all hope and charity, in the bitter cold of a despairing world. The Opinion was believed to be three and a half years old.

Raised among the candy cane poppy fields of North Kantstanditstan, the Opinion lived an idyllic childhood gathering tinsel and ornaments and holly and improvised explosive devices to play with, delighting in the colors and banners and deafening explosions, each in due course. Baby Jesus, acting as the One True Manager of the Opinion, was spotted as he crawled into an armored Humvee near Kabul, wherein he drove off for some unknown destination, leaving no instructions for a successor. Who will be our new Field General? Will he (or she) run a steady assault on our enemies, or just throw 30,000 additional Hail Marys until the reindeer are replaced by drones? Stay tuned!

Family of the Opinion have asked that in lieu of flowers everyone blow shit up and then drink massive amounts of alcohol to deaden what isn't already dead. The key to enlightenment is self-medication and violence, and the road to salvation is heavily guarded. After the service there will be a brief explosion, followed by eternal darkness. Happy Holidays!


The Opinuary Column appears every Friday at Jesus' General.



  1. And the rocket's red glare, the bombs bursting in air...

    ... uh, you mean that you may yet realize that post Cold War Peace dividend? The check is in the mail...

  2. Hear hear! For me, Christmas has already been about militarism. As a little boy in the 1960s, with newscasts about the Vietnam War blaring in the background, I pawed through the Sears catalogues longing for new sets of plastic Army men and GI Joe action figurines. (They WERE NOT dolls, dammit!) When I was a pre-teen, I'd ask for kits so I could build model bomber planes and ships. (It has NOTHING to do with sniffing the glue!) Later, I lusted for holiday BB guns and then .22 rifles.

    Sure, there were other presents in there, clothing and board games and stuff. But what sticks in my memory was the weaponry. Yeah, for me, as for so many manly Americans, Christmas = Death.

  3. The key to enlightenment is self-medication and violence,

    This is so very true.

    I'm off to buy whiskey and fire crackers.

  4. I can smell the change. I can feel it, taste it, and wrap myself up in it. It's a new day in DC and things will be different! Oh wait...

    "We are the change that we seek."

    "...there are times when our actions around the world have not lived up to our best intentions."

    "We're not going to baby sit a civil war."

    "What Washington needs is adult supervision."
    -Barack Obama

  5. Mr. mjs, Sir:

    Baby JESUS couldn'tabeen born in Afghanistan. If he had been then the wisemen woulda brung Gold, C4 and some badass opium.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.