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Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Dangerous words

Dr. Linda Callaway
Menifee Union School District

Dear Dr. Callaway,

You made the right decision when you pulled all the dictionaries from your libraries. Words are dangerous things. The poor student who looked up "oral sex" will no doubt be scarred for life. That's what happened to me when I first learned about it.

I was well into my thirties at the time. It was during the Monica Lewinsky scandal. It seemed like you couldn't turn on the tee vee without hearing the words "oral sex." Being a conservative Republican, it made no sense to me. How could you have sex in your mouth--you don't even have a little soldier there.

For awhile, I thought they were talking about sex with Oral Roberts, but that didn't make sense either. Why would he be in Klinton's Oval Office unless it was to look for spare change? That didn't sound right to me.

Finally, I looked it up, and, holy cow, was I shocked--more than shocked, really, I was shaken and damaged. I mean, my God, Klinton put his little president in a lady's mouth. You know Ronald Reagan never did such a thing. I bet no Republican has. It's unnatural.

I hope you aren't considering censoring the dictionaries and then putting them back into your libraries. Like I said, words are dangerous things, and it's impossible to censor them all. Some of the most insidiously dangerous words like provincial, backward, ignorant, prudish, mindless, puritanical, unenlightened, anti-intellectual, and philistine are bound to get past your redacter's marker.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste, biblical, and Cotton Mathers kind of way,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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  1. The dictionary just needs to be obfuscated, like the King James Bible. Take this verse, for instance:

    "For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh is as the flesh of asses, and whose issue is like the issue of horses." Ezekiel 23:20

    It sounds innocent, like her date has a fat ass and her horse has OCD. No semi-literate teenager is going to realize the lady is a size queen (sorry, General) wearing a string of pearls.

    Wait. A. Minute! What's that filthy Bible doing in the library?

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  3. Words are dangerous things and facts are stupid things. This is all you need to know.

  4. The right dictionaries can be used for weightlifting and to heat homes in the Northeast and perhaps Northwest.

    The Klinton little president scandal broke the same day my son was born 12 years and one week ago!

    Love to Everyone!

  5. Wouldn't it be more effective to surgically remove all male childrens' penises when they're born, put the organs in preservative and only re-attach them after they have reached the age of consent and been properly married in a Christian Church? This would solve the oral sex problem, eliminate teh gheyness, teen pregnancies, abortions and a host of other problems. And since the re-attached members would all be tiny, infant-sized ones, nobody could laugh at me -- I mean, ANY man -- over size issues.

  6. Mr. Orwell told us how we can save society by reducing the number of words in our dictionaries. Imagine. If oral sex wasn't in the dictionary, no-one would concieve what it was and never do it. It might have saved Klinton.

    Bukko, the idea would be perfected if the Catholic Church were to guard the penises.

  7. A great story for those who think wngnuttery is confined to the south. Sad how this country continues it's retrograde course.

  8. Them words are make too much sense... I think we should bypass words and get rid of the letters themselves. Go straight to the root of the problem.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.