Gitmo Detainiees Use Magical Hip Hop Powers To Turn Guard

Cliff May
National Review

Dear Mr. May,

Although Obama ordered the CIA to give the intel a code word security classification, we all know that the Gitmo detainees have special superpowers that threaten the very existence of the republic. That's why the entire GOP and their allies in Democratistan are so courageously opposing their transfer to federal prisons in the US.

No one seems to know what these super powers are exactly--I suspect the ability to shoot laser beams out of their eyes and use anal microwave generators to cook hampsters--but, I think this story about an ex-Gitmo guard gives us a hint:

The prisoners arriving on planes, in goggles and jump suits, from Afghanistan were termed by then US defence secretary Donald Rumsfeld as the "worst of the worst". But after getting to know some of the English-speaking detainees, Mr Neely [the guard] started to have doubts all of them were fanatical terrorists.

He recalls how when he and Mr Ahmed chatted through the bars at Guantanamo, they had a surprising amount in common.

"It was no different from me sitting at the bar with a friend of mine talking about women or music," says Mr Neely. "He would say, 'you ever listen to Eminem or Dr Dre' and he threw off a little rap and it was just funny. I thought how could it be somebody is here who's doing the same stuff that I do when I'm back home."
Mr Neely was 22 when he worked at the camp and left after six months to serve in Iraq. But after quitting the military his doubts about Guantanamo began to crystallise. This led to a spontaneous decision last year to reach out to his former prisoners.

There you have it. Hip Hop music is making our children all Muslimy. I'm surprised we didn't see it before. After all, Public Enemy has that song about 911 being a joke, and what the hell is going on with Flavor Flav's clocks? Bombs maybe?

Perhaps we should just follow your advice and execute them all...by feeding them to lions, or better yet, crucifixion.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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