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Friday, January 08, 2010

Gore Tales

Lauri B. Regan
Teller of Tales
American Thinker

Dear Mrs. Regan,

I had a chance meeting with Al Gore that was very similar to yours. I too chided him about global warming when I spotting him in a restaurant, but his response was much different. He immediately transformed himself into a Level 80 Blood Elf mage and casted a reanimation spell summoning the undead corpses of Marx, Engels, Rachel Carson, and Haile Selassie.

Fortunately, his spell was somewhat faulty and he summoned Harpo rather than Karl Marx. Zombie Harpo's little horn was no match for my Crusader's Fiery Sword Of Righteous and Terrible Vengeance. I dispatched him quickly.

But by then, Zombie Engels had begun reading the Communist Manifesto, thereby invoking the spirit of Morpheus to wrap me in the chains of sleep. I responded by calling on the spirit of Charlton Heston to crush Engels with The Voice of God and Prop Staff of Moses.

Now, my attention turned to Carson. I laid into her with a flurry of sword strokes but to no effect for she had neutralized my weapon's DDT enhancement. My situation was dire. She was pounding me with a microscope and blinding me with science.

My only hope was to resurrect Reagan's rotting corpse. But it was too late for even that. Selassie had attracted a horde of Rastafarians and they had made the air thick with the smoke of the herb. Soon, we were all sitting on the floor laughing.

That's when Gore made his most despicable move--he summoned my mom, who immediately threatened to take away my computer if I didn't pick up all the empty Cheetos bags and Mountain Dew cans I had strewn all over the basement.

It was an effective gambit. Gore took advantage of my distracted state and escaped in his Prius.

He's a talented spellmonger, that one, but we will meet again, and he will feel the sting of Reagan's rotting fingernails next time.

Heterosexually yours in a chaste, biblical, and very fantastical manner,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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  1. Hard to believe that Ms Regan didn't make partner. She may not have a real sharp mind (ok, the "may" was gratuitous), but she certainly has down the reactionary patois of her banking clients. Can't you just see her dining on white rhino balls and Siberian tiger pate at the upscale restaurant, entertaining the Citibank "lender" (who will pay the bill as part of the bank's "legal" expenses with TARP money), guffawing about how droll they are?

  2. It does seem that Mrs. Regan's misadventure with Al Gore was lame compared to your fiasco there General, Sir!

    Even with all the haughty incredulity she could feign, verging on eye-clenching and sputtering in disbelief, nary a troll or some other splendiferous phantasm emerged, alas. Surely, heckling that Gore fella should have brought out something...

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.