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Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Ending Blastocistcide by Punishing Caffeine-Fueled Acts of Recklessness

Sen. Margaret Dayton
Utah State Senate

Dear Sister Sen. Dayton,

Congratulations on the passage of your bill to punish women whose "reckless acts" lead to miscarriages. Finally, the state has the hammer it needs to ensure that the sisters follow the Word of Wisdom that God passed onto the Prophet Joseph.

Now, when one of our wilder, caffeine-enslaved sisters has a miscarriage, we can accuse her of recklessness, and lock her up, away from the temptations of coffee, tea, Pepsi, and Mountain Dew. More importantly, our pregnant sisters who live in BYU's married housing will now think twice before heading off campus to find a coke machine.

But what if they should drink Dr Pepper in secret so no record of their recklessness exists? Shouldn't simply having a miscarriage be sufficient evidence that a woman acted recklessly? Brother Glen Beck must think so. That's why he rebukes those who miscarry.

Let's simply jail them all. Better yet, let's put the reckless not-men in stocks so the righteous can poke them with pointed sticks and shower them with rotten fruit.

Heterosexually yours, in a chaste, biblical, and Zarahemlan kind of way.

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

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  1. I hope the law also penileizes not-men who have sex while they've got one up the duff! Not only is the very thought of "doing it" then unbelievably icky, but it could harm God's Most Precious Creation, the foetus. (Make that "fetus" -- I don't have to do those clunky Aussie spellings any more.)

    It would also disgust the child after it is born, should the awful truth ever leak out. (You back there, who's sniggering about "leak out" -- wipe that smirk off your face!) "Mom, I was inside there and you did WHAT?!?"

    Yes, in Utah, as soon as a woman suspects she might be in a fambly way, ALL SEX MUST STOP! Otherwise, she's an a tempting murderer. And if the not-man somehow becomes not-preggo, she's a baby-killer, unless she has PROOF of post-pregnancy purity.

    Not sure how we'd guarantee that proof. Maybe a mini-security camera system, or a purity belt (the word "chastity" is so 11th-Century) or something involving suturing with surgical thread...

  2. Mormons are awesome! They brought the Bronze Age into the early 19th Century like nobody's business. And, if I may add, continue to do so.


  3. I met a woman once who stopped drinking Mountain Dew because she was trying to get pregnant. "You see," she told me, "the caffeine in Mountain Dew lowers your sperm count."

    Thus she had given it up.

    Though it was very hard to give up her Mountain Dew.

  4. Un-friggin’-believable. I’m absolutely snark-less. And that, like, never happens.

  5. I didn't realize that Utah had a state senate. I thought all of their laws were handed down by the prophet.

  6. Better to be putting them in prisons to keep them healthy and unspoiled than in expensive hospitals...

  7. Personally, I dont' think the rebuke goes far enough.
    If you truly want to protect babies and for women to have them in a Godly way, all pregnant women need to be rounded up and taken to 'hospital' where they can get around the clock attention. It'll be easy as they women will be strapped down/stocked and fed via tubes for 9 months. Precious little babie souls will be protected just as nature & god intended.
    In fact, just to make sure, maybe the ladies should just stay that way until impregnated again. Then they won't have a chance to sin.

  8. Anonymous10:30 PM

    I seriously thought I had accidentally landed on the Betty Bowers/Landover Baptist Church site (which incidentally has a headline article on the same theme right now: when I clicked your first link. Imagine my surprise/alarm to find it wasn't satire.

    What with the Utah State Legislature busy finding ways to torment not-men for the tragedy of miscarriage and that moron from VA suggesting disabled children are God's punishment for abortion ( it's been a rather lousy week for not-men and very small not-yet-men. **Heavy sigh**


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.