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Friday, February 12, 2010

The Opinuary Column

The Opinion "Corporations should have the same civil rights as afforded to the nation's human population" has died in a skiing accident in Aspen, Colorado. At the time of its death it had a blood alcohol content of .38%, and traces of Xtasy, hash oil and Dilaudid were also found in its system. And speed. And anti-depressants. And cocaine. Neighbors reported that the Opinion had been hosting an increasing number of parties in the past few weeks, and police had been called out a number of times due to complaints about the noise from loud music, etc. Additional complaints were lodged concerning the vomiting and public urination in the area around the Opinion's home.

The Opinion, a darling of plutocrats, oligarchists and some of the wealthiest assholes you will ever witness wreaking havoc on a country obliged to let them wreak, lived a happy childhood in the late 19th Century, when it was afforded a legal status equal to human beings. Alas, it lacked genitalia, so it could not reproduce like people, and it lacked a heart, so it could not feel like people: it was in fact an abstraction, and could not manifest itself in any way in the physical world except as a fictitious pronouncement. Though it could not laugh or cry, it did both with joy the day it became a person, much like the fictional Pinocchio had done when he at last became a boy and could start destroying the world bit by bit, piece by piece.

In January of 2010, the Supreme Court of the United States decided it was the Blue Fairy and would provide legal cover for its fake little human buddy to rule the country by way of the massive amounts of money it could inject into an already jaundiced political system. The vote was 5 to 4, the same margin that placed George W. Bush in the White House, known as the Ooh-la-la of coup d'etats...

In lieu of flowers the family of the late Opinion just wants you to know that you are nothing, that the deck is stacked, that the dice have been rigged, that the game is fixed. Should that bother you in any way, too bad: they don't even have to buy you off anymore. Good luck with that democracy thing. Quite an idea in its day.


The Opinuary Column appears most Fridays at Jesus' General.



  1. I used to go drinking with Aetna and Comcast, but I don't see them much at the bar anymore. In fact, never. I think they found higher-toned friends. And after all I did for them!

  2. Mr. mjs, Sir:

    Does this mean I finally get a shot at Betty Crocker? Nothin' says lovin' like puttin' one in her oven! No, it's not original with me; I got it from the the Pillbury Doughboy.

  3. I've always thought that the corporation as a legal status equal to human beings as you mention, Sir, always had the problem that this quasi-human being was of the flakiest types, the sociopath that had the least discipline imposed on their lives, and even that little was howled at as would the most spoiled child.

    To expect these amorphous entities to fall in line had been denounced as freedom-hating, despite the fact that ALL of civilization has been the evolving process of extracting greater compliance from society, all the while attempting to allow as much freedom as possible.

    I'd suggest that if this opinion has died, it isn't because it has been getting less civil rights, it's because they get away with far more than a typical citizen, and this can be witness by the gross liberties those captains of these corporations enjoy.

    Socialism and Communism were early forays in attempting to bridle these monsters, but the original altruism of them 'floated belly up, and went BANG in the noonday sun' (K. Vonnegut paraphrased.) These isms imagined themselves to be too beautiful for economic reality, and eventually went bankrupt.

    Now we're working on the new Social Democracies that try to reconcile economics with social desirability. Did I say 'we'? Without getting stuck on details, let me just finish by saying some nations are having better luck with this than others.

    Some nations have been founded on foggy principles that confound this effort. Ooops...

  4. Interesting thing about that corporate personhood. You know how the Constitution requires the president to be a “natural born citizen”? Well, it’s my understanding that the “natural” requirement means the president has to be human, as opposed to, say, a corporation or trust. But you’ll notice that the requirements for members of the House and Senate do not include the “natural” or “natural born” limitation. So, seems to me after Citizens United, there’s nothing to prevent corporations from becoming Senators or Representatives.

    So I’m voting for Blue Cross/Blue Shield to fill Rahm Emanuel’s old seat.

  5. I got it from the the Pillbury Doughboy.

    Brave of you to admit such a shameful thing. I trust it didn't hurt too much -- Doughy looks like he'd be a little soft in the hottest of circumstances.

  6. Never too late to incorporate. The decision sounds that we should all be called INC.

  7. Yo Joe,
    Make that homesexer sociopaths. Now what rights do they have! Especially in states where mergers of this type are outlawed.

  8. Totally off topic, but when’s the General gonna post some more episodes of “The Trailer Park Boys” … you know, in honor of the Olympics?

  9. Corporations should have the same civil rights as afforded to the nation's human population has died in a skiing accident...

    No my friend, that opinion is alive and well and apparently just received its long awaited Trust Fund.

  10. I'm running the cemetery and I say the Opinion is dead! No negotiation or filibuster will change that. However, a Zombie Opinion, provided it is truly a Zombie Opinion (and therefore dead) may still be roaming around here somewhere. Actually, Zombie Opinions don't have a leg to stand on, but they can do handstands, for a little while anyway. They could do handstands and then eat your brains, but you'd have to walk your brains over to them as they aren't terribly accomplished at performing handstands, and any excitement can cause them to topple over. Nothing is quite as sad as a toppled Zombie at the end of a handstand.

    Glad I could clear that up for anyone still reading this post.


  11. There's a corporation running for Congress in Maryland's 8th. Murray Hill Inc filed for the Republican primary.

    I agree that the opinion is dead but only because it had been superseded by the opinion that "Corporations should have superior civil rights than the nation's human population."

    Corporations can kill people and no one ever goes to jail for it. If they steal money, maybe someone will serve time. But kill people? No problem. Ask any car maker or health insurance company or corporate polluter.

    Corporations routinely make decisions that kill people and they rarely even have to pay even a fine or any other kind of penalty. And remember how the Supreme Court hacked away at the monetary settlement Exxon owed Alaska? Gee, I wonder why Sarah Palin didn't remember that ruling when asked by Katie Couric. But that's another story . . .

  12. Having a corporation actually run for Congress is so 20th-Century. A REAL corporation would simply BUY Congriftsmen.

    If you're a corpo, you don't do the work YOURSELF. You outsource the labour to other people. Make 'em independent contractors, not full-time employees. Pay them for only the work they put into YOUR issue, such as tax breaks tailored to your specific business, disguised with obscure language in lines of the tax code that no one can figure out and no one will admit to inserting in the bill. But you certainly don't want to be bribing -- I mean, "making independent campaign expenditures" -- the bastards for any time they spend yammering about abortion or other pointless shite that riles up the hoi polloi.

    I look forward to the day when Congrossmen are working from call centres in Mumbai...

  13. Bukko UsedtobeinOZ:

    "I look forward to the day when Congrossmen are working from call centres in Mumbai..."

    Yeah, I'll know that's happening when I hear:

    "Good day to you, sir. My name is being Trevor Smith; how may I proof of assistance?"

    BTW, you're offended Mr. Weer'd Beard's sensibilities with your slam against smalldickgunnutz at my house.

  14. BTW, you're offended Mr. Weer'd Beard's sensibilities with your slam against smalldickgunnutz at my house.

    Awwww, poor lil' tender-feelinged sweetiekins. I don't know what it is, when these manly gun-toters get all upset over speculation on their peenie sizes. Oh, wait! I DO know what it is -- "the truth hurts"...

  15. They is persons? They is sociopath persons. They is persons not-quite-right-in-the-head. They is persons who are a danger to themselves and others.
    They is persons who need an intervention. They is persons who need anti-depressants, perhaps a bit of lithium and a good lie down.
    They is persons who need to be locked up. In the looney bin. In the padded cell. They need therapy and help and a nice, long frontal lobotomy to be healthy again.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.