Host, American Family Assn's "Focal Point"
Executive Director, Idaho Values Alliance
Dear Brother Fischer,
It looks like your suggestion that homosexualists be prosecuted caught the Southern Poverty Law Center's attention. They're basically calling you an idiot for compairing same-sex lovers to intravenous drug users. They note that while drug abuse is illegal, the courts have ruled laws against homsexualism to be unconstitutional. The SPLC also destroys your health threat argument by pointing out that "there has never been a confirmed case of female-to-female HIV transmission in the United States."
Now, I know what your thinking: "Not-men can't be homosexualists. They don't have 'little soldiers'." I thought that too until a femislamunistofascist snuck into one of our Spartan wrestling nights and violated me with a strap-on ReamMaster 5000 (just like the one Bill O'Reilly uses.) It almost ruined Spartan-style wrestling for me. You don't expect to feel all that buzzing vibration at the moment of submission. Not only did it scare the living hell out of me, it caused me to briefly question my relationship with the Almighty. I thought God had given the younger guys a gift he'd denied our generation. That pissed me off.
Thank the Lord someone exposed my opponent after noticing her breasts were hairless and her belly was flat. Although the missing hair was explainable--we often wax before a match to allow the oil to provide us with a good even shine--the absense of a big beer belly betrayed the hormonal basis for the boobs.
I felt a lot better about God after figuring that out, but, I do miss those good vibrations. It made me feel all tingly in a purely heterosexual and warriorly kind of way.
Anyway, you have to figure out how to turn not-men homosexualists into a health threat if you're going to pull this off. Otherwise, you just look stupid.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
Previously: Bryan rebukes the todger waggers.
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We should outlaw gay sex and put them all into a prison filled with gay outlaws. And then film whatever they do. Naturally, I want a DVD of this, to study and ponder.
ReplyDeleteQuestion: why is Idaho?
++++
Any suggestions on where I could meet women with hairy breasts? I had never even conceived of such a thing before reading this excellent article, but now I find it strangely enticing...
ReplyDeleteAfter a bit of searching re: hairy funbags, this was the closest I could come up with, and it's a bit too Mahometan for my taste.
ReplyDeleteAs a devout not-man homosexualist, let me reassure you ... we do have sex. Mind-blowing, orgasmic, face-of-god sex. We have it quite often and we don't even use a strap-on. But since we have no need of your little soldiers, and a little soldier is probably a terrible thing to waste, it's good to know you can share them amongst yourselves!
ReplyDeleteSorry to say, I don't know where you can find hairy not-man breasts, though. In all my years as a lesbiatheisticcommunofascist I've never run across a pair.
:)
I'm fine with outlawing homosexuality. I mean, you can just pull the blinds and who's going to know.
ReplyDeleteWhite shoes after labor day, however, I'll fucking cut you.
I never go Spartan wrestling without my cockring of protection +5.
ReplyDeleteBravo! Lol!
ReplyDeleteGeneral, Sir:
ReplyDeleteI hate to display my ignortude, but what is a strap-on? Is that like a denture or a wig? I know about them, but I don't bleeve I've ever used one or had a strap-on used on me.
There's lots of info on teh Internets tubez about naughty hairy bits, but not of the breastical sort...
ReplyDeleteDemmocommie, Sir,
ReplyDeleteCould I possibly borrow your word IGNORTUDE, and perhaps IGNORTUDINESSNESS, for those rare moments when I don't want to use the word 'stupid'?
Joe Visionary:
ReplyDeleteAre you kin to Joe Camel? Nevermindthatfornow.
Yes, you may most certainly BORROW "ignortude"®© or any of the other neolojisms in my extensive liberry. Please remember to credit me and, more important, send a check for $11.73 for each use. There's a special this week. Instead of charging $11.73 per use (for 10 uses, for instance, the total would be $451.94) just send a check for $7,491 and use it to your hearts contents.
Such a deal!!
ReplyDeleteI like "ignorancidtude" because it works that "rancid" bit into the middle. If you have not yet copyrighted this word, I can sell it to you for a small fee plus an equity position in the future revenue stream.
ReplyDelete