Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

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Monday, February 15, 2010

We don't need no education

Sen. Chris Buttars
Utah State Senate

Dear Brother Buttars,

As much as I like your idea to save the state money by getting rid of the twelfth grade, I wonder why just the senior year. Kids have all the reading and ciphering education they need by the seventh grade. All that's left is the fancy math, like algebra, and that was invented by Muslims and scientists like Newton. Do we really want to expose our children to such influences?

They'd be better off learning a trade by serving as apprentices. Consider what such an influx of twelve-year-old apprentices would do for the economy. It could very well bring about the rebirth of such industries as haberdashery, barrel making, and narrow-vein clean-coal mining.

Of course, I'm just talking about the guys here. As priesthood holders, God entrusts young twelve-year-old men with more theological power and responsibility than their mothers will ever achieve. If they're old enough for the Aaronic Priesthood, their old enough to mine a few tons of coal, don't you think?

We can marry off the girls to widowers and returned missionaries.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian

Elsewhere: Brother Buttars Big Buggery Camp For Boys.

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  1. General, Sir:

    I think we need to relax until the dust settles on this dustup.

    Elder (is there a Bishop's Prick in the future) Buttars is a fearless Moron warrior--not just some "Nephi-headed Ho" as Don Imus might say--who is a stalwart (or maybe a venerealwart) in the fight against islamomasturbism.

    Sure, it's "alleged" that he did thus and so to them boys; so what? It's been alleged that Adolph Hitler did all sorta terrible things, but you never saw him takin' no shit offa nobody. Hell, he never got into a courtroom, never mind got convicted of nothin'. And I'm sure that Chrissie could come up with an even better plan for avoiding a subpeeny. I just hope that he speaks to the little woman about it, first. She may not be as brave--or nutty.

  2. There's a 12th grade?


  3. I see Brother Buttars initiative as a terrific opportunity to cultivate natural ignortude©®.

    (Look, I paid for it and I'll damned well use it!)

    P.S. Democommie, the check is in the mail...

  4. I don't think there are enough widowers and returned missionaries for all the 12yo girls this policy will free up. Fortunately and as usual the bible gives us guidance in Exodus 21:7. Sell them to the highest bidders. The influx of no-cost labor will be a boon to both the food service and housekeeping industries. Who knows? Maybe MacDonald's would even be able to sell a 15 cent burger again.

  5. General Sir.

    I'm not sure but it appears Brother Buttars is wearing a Jerry Garcia tie.

    Are you sure we can trust the word of a DFH lover?

  6. Fuck it, why stop there. Abolish all education because an educated electorate is nothing but a pain in the ass any way.

  7. A still mind makes a happy life.

  8. Brother Buttars reminded me, for some reason, of this line from "Boogie Nights...

    Floyd Gondolli: I like simple pleasures, like butter in my ass, lollipops in my mouth. That's just me. That's just something that I enjoy.

    I asked an expert about doing away with the 12th grade--a 10th-grader--and she told me people were already stupid enough WITH the 12th grade. I found it hard to argue the point with her.

  9. And why exactly should we have a 12th grade? Its not like kids learn anything in mandatory re-education camps, oops I mean schools.

    I learned more through one month of intertubing than I did in all 4 years of high school. And I was actually paying attention in class.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.