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Monday, March 08, 2010

A flipper for a flipper

Ellis Washington
World Net Daily contributor
Host, Radio Sandy Springs
Michael Savage Biographer

Bryan Fischer
Host, American Family Assn's "Focal Point"
Executive Director, Idaho Values Alliance

Dear Brothers Washington and Fischer,

Last week, I was happily surprised when I read Brother Fisher's post calling for a biblical solution to our nation's killer whale crisis. I'm all for executing the orcislamunistofascists who threaten the very existence America's animal entertainment industry. But, I was concerned Brother Fisher would be alone in proposing this, and that he'd be seen as a crazy Christian crank because of it.

Thankfully, Brother Washington is now also calling for the execution of killer killer whales. And he isn't stopping there--he's going full Levitical and demanding that the orca's owners be executed as well.

I kind of like the idea. It'd be like shark week at Sea World with the executives serving as chum. Does that mean I've been poisoned with socialism? I hope not.

We executed animals back in the days before Darwin destroyed this country. The State of Tennessee hung a killer circus elephant back in 1916. And according to one of my inner frenchman's old sociology profs, L Kay Gillespie, a horse was once executed in Hooper, Utah for seducing a young man.

I'd like to see more animals executed for moral turpitude. Sheep and goats are the worst. A man can't just resist their charms: the insistent bleats and the sweet soft shape of their hindquarters.

I'm sure you both know what i mean.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

A tip of the ol' helmet to Bukko of Canukistan.

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8 comments:

  1. In puritan America it was common to execute individuals for having relations with animals. Typically, the animals were also executed on the chance that they enjoyed such relations.

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  2. General, Sir:

    And I thought I'd never wish for the day when I could say that Darth Cheney was a well hung reptilican.

    Hey you fellas from CIFA and the NSA--I'm only kidding!!

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  3. I was disappointed to discover that Mr Fischer is so faithless that he'll back away from biblical truth as soon as he runs into a little controversy. The bible explicitly prescibes stoning for the offending animal. Mr Fischer, however, snubs the eternal word of God, writing in his follw-up,

    "I was falsely reported as calling for the stoning of the killer whale, when of course I did nothing of the sort. I simply called for the animal to be euthanized, which can be done humanely..."

    Doing things humanely? That's not the biblical way. Mr Fischer should be ashamed of himself.

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  4. The more you read about this Canuckian whaleoterrorist, the sicker it gets. I give you some quotes from a story in the Times Colonist newspaper up here. (How's that for a newspaper name in this modern era, "Colonist", eh?)

    "A killer whale that was moved to SeaWorld in Florida from Oak Bay's Sealand of the Pacific (NB: that's located here in Canuckrainia) after a trainer drowned in the whale tank has been linked to the death of another person.

    The whale in the pool was Tillikum, a 30-year-old, 5,000-kilogram killer whale sent from Victoria to Florida in 1992.

    It's the third time the whale, the largest in captivity, has been involved in a death.

    Tillikum was one of three whales in the Sealand pool when Keltie Lee Byrne, a 20-year-old trainer, fell into the water in 1991. Byrne was dragged below the surface by Tillikum and two female whales.

    The three whales batted Byrne around in front of horrified spectators and would not let her out of the water. She drowned.

    Bob Wright, who owned Sealand, said he does not blame the whales for Byrne's death. "They were just playing with their favourite trainer and of course, they didn't realize she couldn't stay under water like they could."

    Tillikum was involved in another death in 1999 when a 27-year-old man hid in the SeaWorld park and apparently tried to go swimming with the whales. The next morning, staff found the nude body of Daniel Dukes draped over Tillikum's back.

    Tillikum, who was captured off the coast of Iceland in 1983 when he was about two years old, has primarily been used for breeding since he was sent to SeaWorld.

    The orca has fathered numerous calves. One was involved in a 2004 incident at SeaWorld where a trainer was repeatedly slammed under the water, but was not injured."

    A killing spree spanning three decades! Leading a terrorpod of whaleofascists dragging young wimmen underwater, flouncing about with a nekkid man's body on his back -- what do you suppose this orc did after he got the guy's pants off, eh? -- and spawning new murderwhales... I say that hanging's too good for him!

    This is the largest killer whale in captivity -- he's like the Khalid Sheikh Mohammed of whales! Only you can't waterboard him because he lives in the water.

    You could probably turn a profit on the execution if you sold tickets to Japanese people who would hurl the stones. It wouldn't be exactly Biblical, but for an extra fee you might allow them to throw hand grenades, which look sorta like stones. Then the Japanese could make hamburgers out of the meat and call it "scientific research." Eating the whale wouldn't be kosher, but who cares? They're idolatrous Orientals, so they're going to hell anyway.

    All I can say to Sea World people is this: "WHAT PART OF THE WORD 'JONAH' DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND?"

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  5. Cmon!! We all know that the sheep's allure doesn't stop when it's dead.

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  6. I just wanna know how you stone an orca. Like, to death. Really, how exactly would that work?

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  7. The South Park kids would know how to stone an orca.

    Just sayin'.

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  8. Dave von Ebers:

    How to stone an Orca to death:

    1.) Get two bales of righteous Maui.
    2.) Make a bong out of an unused grain silo
    ...

    On second thought, maybe that's a bad idea. A killer whale with the munchies could be problematic.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.