--Gen. JC Christian, patriot
Thank you, General. I thought McCain was just bullshitting me when he told me about your electric intertubes announcement machine--it sounded a lot like one of his crazy stories about telephones that can show pictures of animals "doing it." But now, I see your device really exists.Well, I guess I stirred things by opposing an unemployment benefit extension. Good. It's time someone had the guts to rip the unemployed from Uncle Sam's teat and force them to go out and get real jobs.
There are plenty of jobs out there for a strong young man who doesn't mind running a cotton gin, splitting fence rails, making staves for barrels, pitching in front of a minor league scout, or scraping the fungus out from under the fold beneath a senator's belly. All you have to do is ask.
Heck, I had two jobs until very recently. Developers would hire me to dress up like a ghost to scare people out of their homes. I was good at it too until those meddling kids and their dog tore off my mask and exposed me. Little bastards called me "mean old Sen. Bunning," too. That hurt.
The problem with the unemployed is they think they're entitled to basic human needs like food and shelter. And then, even when you give it to them, it's never good enough. It's like when I told this poor family in my district that they could have all the corn they could find in my bowel movements. They refused to come and get it...said it wasn't sanitary...called me "mean old Sen. Bunning". But dammit, all you need to do is wash the corn and it's fine.
It's also green-freindly like those things the colored guy in the White House is always yapping about. It's recycled corn, dammit, but try telling that to the League of Conservation Voters and see if they'll give you a one on their scorecard. Commie bastards don't recognize the environmental and economic potential of recycling corn.
I bet the US Chamber of Commerce supports it. I wonder if they'd help me sell a military commissary earmark for recycled corn. I bet Halliburton would pay dearly for it. It'll help them with their sewage treatment and mess hall problems in Iraq.
OK, that's enough for today. I'm off to shop for a new phone.
Posted by Sen. Jim Bunning
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From Jim Bouton's great baseball book, Ball Four:
ReplyDeleteTed Williams would psyche himself up in batting practice.
"Jesus H. Christ wouldn't get me out," he'd scream as he whacked a line drive.
Then came the next pitch.
"Here comes Jim Bunning. Jim [bleeping] Bunning and that little [bleep] slider of his."
God bless Ted Williams' frozen head.
Now that it’s okay for athletes to become right-wing-nut-job politicians, can Tommy Smith and John Carlos have their Olympic medals back?
ReplyDeleteDear Senator Bunting, I do admire your backbone and your stamina. Do you take calcium?
ReplyDeleteAnyway, as a man from Kentucky, I thought surely you were already aware of the time-tested farm country method of corn recycling. Of course, times have changed, and the small family farm is kind of a vanished breed, thanks to all the help you give to the agri-industry. But I hoped you might at least remember how good Kentcuky country folk used to recycle corn.
Chickens, dear Senator. Chickes eat the corn from the poop, then we eat the eggs and the chickens who lay them. If I were a dirty hippie enviromentalfascist, I'd say it's all part of the circle of life. But as I'm a good Calvinist like you, I prefer - waste not, want not.
Do we have to wash the corn before we eat it? Personally, I like the taste of Senator in the morning.
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Lookahere, how many Americans have the early stages of senile dementia caused by hardening of the cerebral arteries, which limits blood flow to the thinky parts of the brain? And how many Americans are cranky old farts who like yelling "Hey you kids, get offa my lawn!"? God bless America for letting those people have one of their peers in the U.S. Senate! Is it a great country, or what?
ReplyDelete(You there in the back -- I saw your hand go up to vote for the "Or what" option. Cut that out, goddamit!)
Senator Bunning sir, you are a true advocate for environmental protection, human rights, and social well-being. You are a true apostle of Ayn Rand, who was a true apostle of William Hickman. And Mr. Hickman was a true apostle of himself. And self is really what it all goes back to, isn't it?
ReplyDeleteSeattle Dan:
ReplyDelete"I'm Ted Fucking Williams of the Major Fucking Leagues..." Whack!
Ball Four. 40 years this spring from its release date and still the best sports book ever. (Next to the Gods of Olympia Stadium, of course.)
You bet, Richard! I'll re-read again, as I do every other year.
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