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Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Better than Landmines

Tom Mullins
Candidate for Congress
3rd District, New Mexico

Dear Mr. Mullins,

I see you've dropped your plan to line the borders with landmines and are now urging the national labs to find a futuristic method of preventing border crossings. I guess you're pretty much open to any idea since you didn't offer any details other than to say it should be all sciency and cool.

I have an idea I'm sure you'll like. Imagine you're an immigrant trying to sneak across the border. Suddenly, you hear a loud Bruce-Lee_like shriek, and, turning toward the sound, you find yourself face to face with a big ass robot doing karate moves. That'd scare the heck out of you, wouldn't it? I bet you'd hightail it back over the border as quickly as possible. If not, you'd get yourself a Chick-Norris-level butt kicking.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Karate zombies are more scary than karate robots. I agree with you, but you can't add Transformer® technology to a zombie. My karate robots will be able to transform into robo-morale-donkeys with Enhanced Vibrating Action®. Think about how happy that'll make all those lonely minutemen down on the border. Heck, I could even program them to recite Ayn Rand quotes while our border defenders have their minute (or five seconds--whatever it takes).

We should get together and discuss the details. I could bring my Pocket Donkey if you're interested in testing the technology.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. I agree with you, but you can't add Transformer® technology to a zombie.

    Too late--I blew junior's tuition on Mega-Whomper-Chomper, the Brainanator.

    Note: Slappy the Happy Clam Flap just swallowed Escondido. Add to that my psychic parole officer says it's going to be a twitchy solstice, and you see where we're headed. Because I don't.


  2. Kung-fubots are thinking too small. I say we should put Obama's oil spill to good use. Light the entire Gulf of Mexico on fire! (Plus we re-name it the "Gulf of Arizona.") THAT should make them Meskins think twice about swimming across. (Cubans too! It might not be kkkonservatively correct to say so, but I can't tell the difference between them and Mesks, plus they all speak that Spanglish jabber.)

  3. Put web cams with web controlled guns along the border and charge people to "play" on-line. This way you solve the problem of illegal immigrants and the U.S. debt.

  4. I just posted this on his convenient comments section:

    I agree that harnessing technology is the way to go to keep the undesirables out of our great country. I'm sorry you're backing away from landmines though - they're cheap, effective and there's no better deterrent than watching a fellow wetback have his leg blown off! The problem is developing a large area-denial system that won't cost more than what we're losing now with all these illegals taking our jobs. Lasers are cool, but not really feasible. I'd suggest high-powered machine guns with webcams on them. The military already has software that can target a gun on something moving, you just need to use color cameras and ensure the system only fires on people with brown skin. That will also prevent whining from liberal bleeding hearts who might get shot trying to help the Mexicans cross. Personally, I think they deserve it as they're not REAL Americans, but I understand that you're a politician and have to take the higher ground on this. Good luck and god bless America!

    Let's see if he posts it!

  5. I'm saddened Tom has taken a step back from the landmines. It really is an opportunity lost.
    Think of it: Not only would it be great border protection, but it could shut those god-damned liberal hippy greenies too.
    Think of it. For each leg blown off, we help give the desert nutrients. With splashes of fresh blood & body bits, we could green the desert. Perhaps harvest trees! Eventually, with God's direction of a few mexicans, enough blood & bone could be put into the soil near the border to create a forest border. That'd shut the god-damn pinko-dirty hippies up. We could even grant temporary citizenship to mexicans who cut down the trees. Of course, once cut, we'd have to send 'em back, via the minefield to once again, contribute to the most environmentally sound border in history!
    Minefields and green economics go together for a safe (for Americans anyway), sustainable border policy.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.