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Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Bikini Kill

Jeff Schwilk
Founder, San Diego Minutemen
Commander, SDMM Bikini Commandos

Dear Commander Schwilk,

Toleranceofascists are using your connection to the "Mexican Invasion" story to attack your credibility. Noting that the Laredo Police Department, the Webb County Sheriff’s Department, and the U.S. Border Patrol have all called your claim a reeking pile of breitbart, some are concluding that you may be lying.

We can't allow the reputation of such an important a soldier in the Holy Eternal War to Resubjugate the Brown to be assaulted like this--especially, now, after the hit you took in the "short-dicked man" scandal. You're far too important.

You need to act, and you need to act now. It should be simple enough--Put on your prettiest bikini and go down to those ranches the Mexicans are holding. We'll shoot video of the occupation while you distract them with various pin-up poses. Then, we'll release it to Breitbart to be aired on all the news channels.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Video: Commander Schwilk's fashion show begins at 1:30-you may not want to watch this at work.

Minutemen Bikini Battalian from JC Christian on Vimeo.

6 comments:

  1. Thank you for this.
    I have to wonder if there are ANY republicans that are not gay. They all seem to have fixations and phobias that an otherwise normal person would never consider to be an issue.
    They have this apparent need to prove power over women and minorities to the exclusion of all reason.
    I know this is a snarky blog and my posting may be too serious. But, jebus what the hell is wrong with these guys?
    We now return you to your regular programming.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Vas? Snarkity-bloggin tritzen, mit den Goarsespud Saucydipper®. Dinska vergassesn: dip dat lutefisk insk deh saussen, essen sie vur den vodka hurlin!

    ++++

    “there may indeed by (sic) a bona-fide news blackout as they try to resolve the situation...”

    Ooh, Andy...

    ++++

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  3. Well now, it really looks like Jeff can use our help with swimwear selection as well as your sage advice, General. Everyone knows solid colors -especially red or black as in the photos- will accentuate physical attributes. Attributes such as...oh say... breasts... or ...a diminutive penis. And wouldn't you know, ol' Jeff has both!

    Now a nice Hawaiian print bikini with a bow at the hip will help distract from the small penis, and the floral design will give the breasts some visual shape so they appear more round instead of like the small saggy cones they appear to be. A higher priced bikini will have padding in the lower part of the cups to help him have that come-hither fecund look.

    The good news is that his chest appears to be as smooth as silk, so there will be no need to wax any man-hair. (A waxing from really talented salon staff is sooooo expensive!)

    With Jeff properly dressed, the Brown Invaders will be spellbound and sensually spirited away from that captive ranch in Laredo.

    Hell, we could help the whole contingent of his brave Minutemen to select the proper beachwear and take down the whole Brown Army of Invaders!!! Wolverines!!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I don't see the contradiction here. A patriotikkk Amerikkkan can hate Meskins, push women around, slap cameramen and generally be a bullying asshole AT THE SAME TIME he likes to pose in girly bathers as he gives fetching cum-hither looks to another man behind a camera. (Although it would probably be best not to bully a lady at the EXACT same time he was wearing her bikini because she'd collapse laughing, and how could he push her around when she's on the ground?) But what, are secret homosekkksualists not allowed to hate minorities any more?

    ReplyDelete
  5. General, Sir:

    It appears to me that Commander Jeff Skank has figured out a way to fight them feelthy brownofascists with one hand tied behind his back, figuratively.

    ReplyDelete
  6. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete

We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.