The Opinuary Column

The Opinion "The One True God approves of Yoga" has died of complications arising from an acute case of pretzel logic. Born of the belief that various cultures around the world have cultural traditions that can be of benefit to others, it collapsed while stretching across the gulf that divides reason from belief in conservative Christianity. It leaves no known respite from the uptight, jaw-clenching, dogma-clutching religious jackalopes that denounced it, save the ability of its adherents to ignore church leaders who will say any fool thing at the drop of an epistle. Or to rephrase: the ones who keep Jesus on the cross are the ones who keep replacing the nails.

After an idyllic childhood of stretching and meditation in the mountains and plains of Northern India, the Opinion traveled the world and was integrated as a member of the family into a wide variety of cultures, sharing its message of a calm and measured approach to our bodies and minds, to our mystery and our place in the universe. Depicted as an arch-villain by men who insist that "The embrace of yoga is a symptom of our postmodern spiritual confusion, and, to our shame, this confusion reaches into the church." it is of little wonder that Satan himself does not assume the pose of a yogi, and relax his breathing, to find an inner stillness where the self is irrelevant in the sea of all-consciousness. A blissed-out devil is no way to keep a tension-reliant belief system at the top of its game, no how! No good Christian prays for Satan to be released from his role as Bad Guy in Chief--gotta have a bad guy or there is no Christianity! And we certainly can't have enlightened people running around--it makes the rest of us look bad.

In lieu of flowers the family of the Opinion ask that you let go of attachment, seeking not the garden without but finding instead the garden within, where the monsters at the gates of Eden are merely your own fears: pay them no heed, smile and pass through to enlightenment. Seriously, Jesus would, like, totally meditate. Bet on it.

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Note: good, white Christians should denounce yoga, but do not denounce killing brown people, for this does not conflict with the core teachings of the bible. Like so many of the Tea Party members, often conservative Christians themselves, it is understood that billions of dollars may be given to war profiteers and malignant corporatists and not an eyebrow shall be raised up, or an utterance of protest be sounded, for these acts are in accord with the teachings of Jesus of Nazareth, the Prince of Peace. Amen.

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