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Thursday, November 18, 2010

Patriotic Touching

Blogger Bob
Transportation Safety Administration
Department of Homeland Security

Dear Mr. Bob,

As a proudly frightened American, I'm an avid reader the TSA's blog. I find it to be a good way to keep up with all the great work the State Security Apparatus is doing. Your recent post about aggressively intimate pat-down procedures and advanced naked folks viewing and crony retirement enhancement technology (ANFVCRET) was particularly fascinating. I'm hoping you'll do a follow-up and answer a few of the questions I have about pat-downs and ANFVCRET.

The new aggressively intimate pat-down procedures sound interesting. Does it have to be done at the airport? Wouldn't it be more convenient for everyone if you offered an outcall service. You know, the traveler could call ahead and have a screener come to his hotel room to do the pat-down in private before heading out to the airport. It'd certainly shorten the lines at security.

OK, here's another one. Let's say I have a friend who was just elected to the Senate and needs to travel from, say, Louisville, KY to Washington, DC. Now, this friend has a bad weasel infestation at his house. These are the worst kind of weasels. They're toothless and clawless, and look like they've been shaved--really ugly critters. And the worst thing is that they're always crawling up inside my friend. He's worried you'll be able to see the weasels on your ANFVCRET machine. Is that the case? How far can the machine see inside you?

Thanks for your time. I hope you'll consider answering my questions on your blog. I suspect a lot of folks have the same questions.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Not Related to the Above: My grandson just told me he wants something called Sonic Colors for Christmas. This is my reminder.

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Graphic: Oleg Volk


  1. Funny how few (if any) comments on Mr. Bob's blog support the TSA porno machines and grab-and-grope searches (but then I only read the first fifty or so).

  2. As an exhibitionist, I, for one, welcome these measures. There's nothing quite so thrilling as writing a message across my stomach and lower back in lead paint - something like, "If you like what you see, give me a call." But nothing compares to a right good public groping, especially when the TSA agent reaches up and touches the wet spot he's just made.

  3. Patrioteabaggomericans know that the government is teh eeeeeeeevil, and does everything wrong, and is scary when it comes to help you. Except when it's going to KEEP US SAFE! KEEP US SAFE! KEEP US SAFE! In which case, it's OK for the government to touch our junk, or even our wife's junk. (The same junk she won't let US touch because of what she found when she snooped in the computer's history.) Do anything you want, Mr. Government Man. Just protect us from the swarthy ones who are going to HURT US!

  4. I have been informed that someone who somehow signed on using my Blogger ID attempted to post the following comment on Blogger Bob's website:

    Hey Blobber Bog, your TSA goons and porno scanners disgust me. You are part of the intrusive, inefficient, money-wasting government that the Teabaggers should be protesting. Except the Teabaggers will never say a word, because they love authoritarian fascism like what you represent. (And you ARE fascist, in the Benito Mussolini definition where the government uses its power to support corporations and oppress the population. How's that scanner contract working out for Skeletor Chertoff, eh?)

    The United States is such a joke. People from other countries are avoiding the U.S. because it's such a police state. You thugs are creating a new version of the Iron Curtain, quivering in your fear like the old USSR did. May you join the junk heap of history in less time than it will take your mindless minions to get cancer from their constant X-ray baths.

    Your people ARE going to die from radiation sickness, you know. Serves 'em right for selling out to the State Security apparatus.

    Luckily it will never be published because it is too abusive. Because I would never want the good name of Bukko (insert the name of whatever country I happen to be living in here _______) associated with such unpatriotikkkal sentiments.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.