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Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Inside the George W Bush Library

They're breaking the ground on Our Glorious Leader's library. Some of you may not know I designed it. I'm reposting a walk-through I wrote back in March 2004, so you can feel like you're a part of His magnificent presidency, even if you're only part of the 98% of our population that serves as a natural resource to be mined and exploited for the greater good of our betters.

First Floor (First Term)

The George W. Bush Presidential Library will be composed of five sections: the Entrance/Election Room, the Rotunda of Blame, the Archives, and the Economic and Security Wings.

Entrance/Election Room (To be called the Reappointment Room on upper floors)

The visitors are introduced to the interactive nature of the library before they enter the building when they are met outside the entrance by policemen who demand that each visitor of African descent show them identification. These lucky visitors are then told that the computer says their real name is "Willie Horton" and that they cannot enter the Election Room because they are felons.

The lighter colored visitors are allowed to enter immediately. They may then choose to participate in a number of activities memorializing Our Leader's triumphant electoral victory. My personal favorites are "Intimidate the Canvassing Board" and "Mob the Democratic Election Worker." Before leaving the room, the visitors are treated to a short show featuring an animatronic James Baker and his ventriloquist dummy, Justice Scalia.

Rotunda of Blame

We all know how tough it is to be Our Leader. It's hard work and mistakes have been made, but it isn't his fault. He's told us so many times. Every problem he's faced can be blamed on someone else.

A colorfully sectioned circle and spinable arrow on the floor of the Rotunda of Blame demonstrates this relationship between our problems and Our Leader's enemies. Visitors may state a problem like joblessness and then spin the arrow to see who's to blame. Choices include Clinton, homosexuals, France, non-Christians, Democrats, Spongebob Squarepants, and the American People.

The circle, made of petroleum-based polymers manufactured in China using oil from a well near Yellowstone's Old Faithful geyser, also signifies Our Leaders love for our National Park System.

The Archives

The Archives is the smallest section of the library, because there isn’t much of a need for space. Our Leader has made it very clear that transparency in government only inhibits his ability to govern. Policy making is best left to pros like industry lobbyists and others who have the financial resources to ensure that the business of America continues to be business. Anything else results in an anarchy where profits become the target of those who promote such socialistic ideas as universal health care, living wages, and a five day work week.

The main feature of the Archives is a 1/100th scale working model of the Executive Document Processing Center located in Chisinau, Moldovia (another example of Our Leader’s employment policy in action). Upon arrival, a lucky visitor is issued a pitchfork and allowed to process a wheelbarrow full of documents by pitching them into the Executive Document Thermal Processing Unit (EDTPU).

A specially constructed window on the EDTPU allows the other visitors to view the processing of the documents into beneficial gasses and particulate matter like carbon dioxide, carbon monoxide, sulphur dioxide, and soot. These products are released into the atmosphere as part of Our Leader’s Clear Skies Initiative. Their presence will raise the global average temperature, making Earth a more cozy place in which to live.

Visitors may also participate in other activities at the Archives, including hands on tutorials on creating National Guard service records and turning down FOIA requests.

The Economic Wing

Tax Cut Room -- Visitors are lined up according to net worth, and the wealthiest one collects twenty dollars from each of the others.

Employment Room -- Each visitor is replaced by an Indian and told to get a job assembling hamburgers at their local McDonalds manufacturing plant.

Recession Room -- This room's central feature is an animatronic Ed Gillespie seated in a wheelchair doing a Stephen Hawking imitation. "Due to a warp in the time continuum," declares Gillespie as Hawking," the recession only appeared to start during the Bush presidency." "It actually started," he continues, "six months earlier."

Privatization Room -- Each visitor is issued a cellphone and given an hour to persuade as many friends and family members as possible to contribute the $2000/person maximum campaign contribution. The winner receives an exclusive franchise to provide meals to a squad of Marines.

Environment Room -- This room pays tribute to Our Leader's success balancing corporate needs with environmental concerns. Visitors are issued "Clear Skies Initiative Oxygen Masks" as they step onto the "Healthy Forests Initiative Redwood Deck" to see a presentation on "sound science."

Placed above a pool of water, the deck, made from genuine Sequoia National Forest old growth timber, serves as a reminder of Our Leader's plan to combat global warming by building dikes and elevating beachfront property.

Policy Room -- Visitors are assigned roles as various CEOs (e.g. Enron's Ken Lay). They then meet with an actor playing the part of Dick Cheney and draft policies benefiting their companies.

The Security Wing


September 11th Room — Dedicated to the day that changed everything, the walls of this room are covered with pictures of Our Leader standing next to firefighters. A mock-up of the Air Force One bedroom in which Our Leader spent the first few days following the attack is prominently displayed in the center of the room. Visitors may take turns hiding underneath the bed’s covers.

Patriot Act Room — Upon entering, the contents of all purses, pockets, and wallets are examined and photographed and all data from cell phones and PDAs are downloaded to FBI computers.

Transportation Room — Swarthy visitors and anyone who uses the word “ports” are immediately handcuffed and taken to Syria for questioning. The remaining visitors will be subject to random, and perhaps, repeated, body cavity searches.

War on Terror Room — Visitors are faced with a life sized figure of Osama bin Laden as they enter the room. After walking three feet into the room, they step on a pressure sensitive pad which triggers a huge hand that comes out of the wall to push them into the Hall of Reasons.

Hall of Reasons for Invading Iraq — The first thing the visitor notices is a large photo of Saddam Hussein at the end of the hall. He appears to be piloting one of the jets that flew into the World Trade Center.

As the visitor travels down the hall, animatronic officials pop out of the walls to declare a reason for going to war with Iraq. Condi Rice warns of mushroom clouds. Donald Rumsfeld pinpoints the locations of chemical weapons. Our Leader cries, “They tried to kill my daddy.” And Colin Powell tells the visitor that we invaded in an effort to install democracy albeit in a form that is hard to recognize it as such.

Intelligence Room — Visitors are seated before an animatronic Ahmad Chalabi. They are expected to believe anything he says. At the end of the presentation, each visitor is given a list of CIA agents who are perceived to be unenthusiastic in their support for our leader. They are then instructed to complain about them in letters to the editor of their local newspapers.

Victory in Iraq Room — The visitors view a short film about our glorious victory in Iraq. After which, they are beaten for five minutes by actors playing the part of Iraqi citizens.

Rebuilding Iraq Room — Each visitor is required to give Haliburton fifty dollars. They receive a pack of Lucky Strikes from a WWII era “C ration” in return.

WsMD Room — We all know there is a WsMD Room. Visitors are encouraged to look as long as possible to find it.

Second Floor (Second Term)

The second floor of the George W. Bush Presidential Library will be composed of five sections: the Hall of Closets, the Rotunda of Blame, the Cheney Room, and the Economic and Security Wings.

The Rotunda of Blame

Visitors will access the second floor via a circular staircase that winds its way around the rotunda. Since it is a multi-storied rotunda (it gets it name from its first floor feature), there will be no floor or exhibits except for a sculpture of Our Leader's favorite author, Camus (pronounced: "cam-moo") which will hang suspended from the ceiling. Our Leader reportedly read one of his books during the summer of 2006 and was very impressed that a killer whale could write so eloquently.

Visitors may view the sculpture from the Second Floor Rotunda Balcony, a walkway attached to the inner wall of the rotunda. The balcony also serves as the entrance to the other four sections of the second floor.

Hall of Closets

As its name suggests, The Hall of Closets, is a series of closets, all but one of which pays tribute to Our Leader's advisors in the War Against Homosexuality. Visitors are sure to giggle with delight when animatronic figures of Ken Mehlman, Mark Foley, Jeff Gannon, and Karl Rove offer them candy or demonstrate the meaning of military discipline.

The Bush-Rice Broom Closet is an exact replica of the room where Our Leader and the Secretary of State have some of their most secret meetings. Visitors are encouraged to sign their names on the 55 gallon barrel of vaseline found in the back of the closet, behind the strange and exotic strap-on devices.

Economic Wing

The Economic Wing consists of six large rooms: The Wall Street Security Room, The Buy-A-Pastor Program Room, The Redistricting Through Natural Disasters Room, The Adventures in Class Warfare Room, The Great Hall of the Drug War Somozas, and the Lease-a-Mexican Room.

The Wall Street Security Room

One of Our Leader's greatest remaining challenges is Social Security reform, and by reform, we mean transferring the hoarded wealth of the shiftless elderly to deserving people who work hard for a living, America's investment brokers. The Wall Street Security Room focuses on Our Leader's proposed solution to this problem, privatization of the Social Security system.

In keeping with the Library's interactive nature, tour guides, playing the part of brokers, will collect twenty dollars from each visitor for investment into a simulated private investment account. The "brokers" will then use the money to buy and sell simulated stocks for 15 minutes, levying a transaction fee for each trade. The visitors will receive their "retirement" pay out (approx. $2.30) as they leave the room.

The Buy-A-Pastor Program Room

Visitors learn about Our Leader's very successful Buy-A-Pastor Program by playing the part of an Office of Faith-Based Programs staffmember in a computerized simulation. Each player is given a million credits to dispense in grants to various pastors. The player who receives the highest return (sermons praising the President and his Republican colleagues) wins.

The Redistricting Through Natural Disasters Room

A short video on how the President used FEMA to reshape Louisiana's political landscape is followed by a little hands-on training. Each visitor is given a map and population statistics for a major city threatened with a natural disaster. They are then told to create a recovery plan which, if implemented, would replace blacks, liberals, and the poor with a more Heartland-oriented demographic. Visitors who incorporate a deal for the use of Neal Bush's software in their educational system rebuilding component will receive extra points. The designer of the best plan will be awarded a "Heck of a job!" button he or she can wear proudly at their next Confederate Heritage Appreciation Society meeting.

The Adventures in Class Warfare Room

Special "Ownership Society" docents beat up the visitors, take their wallets, and give the money to the wealthiest person in the tour group.

The Great Hall of the Drug War Somozas

Visitors will get an opportunity to hold some of the same weapons we provide to our freedom-loving opium and cocaine warlord allies in Afghanistan, Columbia, and Venezuela. Representatives from each of these groups will also be on hand to explain the important role drug profits play in defeating islamunistofascism, socialism, and rival drug warlords who hate America.

In another corner of the Hall, the Departments of Justice and Education tell their stories in videos titled, "Get Tommy Chong: America's Triumph Over Bongofascism" and "Why Mary Jane Can't Matriculate."

The Lease-a-Mexican Room

This room celebrates Our Leader's proposed Guest-Worker Program, one of the few proposals he may be able to get through the Democratic Congress in the final two years of his term. By leasing Mexicans, Our Leader hopes to bring the advantages of outsourcing overseas back home. Having no prevailing wage or safety guarantees and denied the right to organize, leased Mexicans will be a low cost solution to America's corporate labor needs for many years to come. It'll be like slavery , but without all of the overhead. Best of all, the competition will drive all other wages and benefits down as well, thus increasing our investment income as owners in the Ownership Society.

Visitors are given a taste of the Lease-a-Mexican experience when they are allowed to scrub the room's floor for $1.15 an hour. Those who complain will be immediately deported to Ciudad Juarez.

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  1. For something written in 2004, this was a perceptive summation of the Librarument to America's Greatestest Preznit except for St. Ronnie, and Warren Harding, and a few others I won't bother to name, 'cept you can bet they were all Republikkkans.

    The only thing I'd add is with the washrooms (it's the word polite Canadians use for what crude Americans call the "bathrooms.") There needs to be a waterboarding feature in them, where you go in to do some dirty business and are strapped upside down on a board and drowned for a while. Sure you'll soil yourself, but you'll be so drenched with the drown-water that it'll wash away all your filth! Keeps the cost for toilet paper down, too.

  2. General, Sir:

    Where is the book? You do know which book I'm talkin' bout, Sir. I know it's prolly kept in oneathem Cinderellish "crystal coffin" kinda things to keep it from getting sullied by the masses, but it's gotta be in there somewheres.

    Bukko Canukko:

    If you're strapped upside down and soil yourself wouldn't you be "shitboarded"?

  3. General Sir,

    I had been disillusioned and not contributing to any blogs, but this post by itself caused me to do a military run over to PayPal and drop and give you 15.

    Great, great post.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.