I know that sounds bad, but our new Speaker of the House--I was lucky enough to trip over him at my favorite biker bar, The Man Hunt, last night--let me see a memo he's sending to Obama. The compromises don't seem all that bad.
Here's the memo:
To: Barack HUSSEIN Obama
From: Speaker John Boehner
Re: Working Together
Now that we're in charge, I'd thought I'd reach out and offer you a chance to work with us on the following issues:
That's a start. We'll bring other issues to the table once you've demonstrated your commitment to working with us.
- Taxes -- If you help us extend the Bush tax cuts, we'll make it impossible for you to ever be attacked on tax issues again. We'll do so by privatizing the House Ways and Means Committee and the IRS. I've talked to the Koch brothers, and they'd be glad to take both off our hands.
- Spending -- We're willing to work with you on reducing the debt. All we need is your support for a bill that would replace Social Security with an opportunity for seniors to invest in the lucrative world of derivatives trading.
- National Security -- We'll let you do what you want with Gitmo as long as you don't shut it down. In return, you have to support The True American Protection Act. It defines the word "terrorist" as being "any person or group who scares True (White Christian) Americans or Honorary Americans like Pamela Geller." It also allows True and Honorary Americans to summarily execute terrorists at any time.
- DREAM Act -- We know it's important to you. We'll support it if you limit the path to citizenship to Norwegian and Swedish immigrants. Everyone else will already be covered by The True American Protection Act.
Buy me a fucking drink.