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Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Jesus' Kick Ass Weaponry

William Tapley, the Third Eagle of the Apocalypse and Co-Prophet of the End Times, tells us "Jesus will use Mary's Rosary and Scapular as weapons to defeat the Antichrist." I don't doubt it. As I recall, Mary's Rosary comes with 451 stamina, 327 agility, 275 haste, and adds almost 300 points to Jesus' hit rating. Add the 2,476 spell power provided by Mary's Scapular, and you know, that cat, Jesus, is one bad mother...[SHUT YOUR MOUTH!]...Hey, I'm talkin' 'bout Jesus...[THEN, WE CAN DIG IT!].

Apocalyptic Third Eagle Tapley also warns us that as a Co-Prophet of the End Times, he understands how to unleashed the secret powers locked within the comma, semicolon, and the other more powerful marks of punctuation. Woe be unto anyone who raises an ellipsis against him.

Here's the video:


  1. General, Sir,

    Can I ask a question? I'm just wondering if, instead of going into the city to see the priest to be spanked with his spatula to get right with the lord, should I find someone with Mary's spatula to spank me with? It sounds pretty powerful with a 300 point Jesus hit rate.
    I just, you know, want to make sure I get into heaven.

  2. I hate his shirt. A lot. And the twinkling lights--I hate them too. Between having to look at that horrid shirt and those annoying lights I could barely hear that bearded man speaking. He was going on and on about something. When Hollywood does the remake of this video they had better do something about that fucking shirt and those erratic lights. This is no joke. They will lose box office if they don't find some other shirt. Oh, and change the lights.

  3. Killing people with Mary's scapula? I know Samson used the jawbone of an ass to slaughter 1,000 Palestinian terrrrrrrists on the orders of a vengeful God so there's a precedent for that sort of bone warfare. But a woman's bone? How un-manly is THAT?

  4. Seriously, that shirt is hideous.

  5. mjs, that shirt is reminiscent of the shirt that Hugh Grant wore in his mugshot for his crime with a Miss Divine Brown. here

    This brings to mind the six degrees of separation rule - in this case connecting Tapley with the Divine. Okay maybe not.

    You will notice that a hyphen was used in one of the above sentences. This is the immaculate punctuation mark. Another connection.

    Clearly, that shirt is our guarantee that Third Eagle Tapley is the Real Deal.

    No ellipses can overcome the Mighty Shirt of The Third Eagle.

  6. No ellipses can overcome the Mighty Shirt of The Third Eagle.

    Is that anything like the Mighty Eagle in "Angry Birds"? Because that would totally kick Antichristass!

  7. jcricket: if that shirt makes it to heaven I will not be able to abide with the Lord. It mocketh me so!

  8. Makes ya kinda glad we'll all be Ruptured up nekkid, eh? Not that anyone HERE is going to be in the Elect Few. Except me. And Teh Gen'l, of course. See you in Heaven, sir! If you get there ahead of me, don't bogart the virgins.

  9. I am spellbound by those missing twenty-four words, the one colon, and the one semi-colon.

    Holy Cow !

    Beginning to appreciate ee cummings, for some reason.

  10. General, Sir:

    The fuckin' asshole stole my shirt! He's no apoplectic eagle (although his "turkey neck" makes me look lots better), just another runathemill clothesline shopper. Man, I loved that shirt, Sir. I had it on the last time I was out with Darla, before she disappeared into the either.

    What's this "conceived without sin" shit? I thought the sin was when you fucked without no intention of concepting.

  11. Speaking of “colons” …

  12. Jesus does double damage bonus to fig trees.

  13. Sir, I spent 12 LO-O-O-O-ONG years in Catholic school. The nuns carried heavy-duty rosaries (3 feet long, with 3/4" hardwood beads held together with steel links) that raise a hell of a welt when properly administered to an unruly 8-year-old. Even when wielded by a 5"2" arthritic nun in her 70s.

  14. Sorry. I meant 5'2". Sister Francis de Sales was small, but not that small.

  15. Mutzali, Ma'am:

    If you're gonna haz 900' tall Kick-ass JESUS with frikkin' laser eyes, you're gonna wind up with someathem 5"2" nuns--it's just supernacho physics 101.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.