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Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Kicking ass for Jesus

Mayor Micah Cawley
Yakima, WA

Dear Mayor Cawley,

I hope you don't back down from those rotten bastards who are trying to silence your prayers at city council meetings. Such public displays of piety serve an important function in our society. They put minority groups in their place by reminding them that they'll never really be true citizens or become a part of our community until they accept our God.

I grew up in Utah in a community that was solidly Mormon. My fourth grade teacher openly defied the secularist judges of the Supreme Court by starting each day with a prayer. Every student was expected to participate by delivering the prayer whenever his or her turn came up.

One day a new kid showed up. Mrs Nelson, waited a week or so for him to settle in before she finally asked him to deliver the prayer. He refused. She told him he had no choice. He responded that he was Jewish and couldn't pray to Jesus because his family didn't believe in Him.

He paid dearly for his reluctance to worship our Saviour. We made it clear that he'd never be a part of our community by repeatedly kicking his non-believing ass for Jesus. The beatings went on before and after school and at every recess for over a week. Finally, his mother came into the classroom and punched Mrs. Nelson for causing the problem. We never saw the kid after that. He learned that he was not welcome in our community.

I think you ought to follow our example. Call out the complainer and his lawyer and kick their asses. Kick their asses for Jesus. Let them know they'll never be a part of your community.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. I as particularly disturbed by this paragraph in the linked story about the man who objects to the all-important praising of The One True God Who's Better than All the Other False Gods Which Men Have Worshipped During the 6,000 Years of the Earth's Existence:

    Gonzalo Guillén, the local resident who filed the complaint, described himself half-jokingly as an "atheist Mexican" and said he's been a member of the Freedom From Religion Foundation for several years.

    Well which is the jokey half, Señor Gilligén's Island -- the atheist half or the Meskin one? Because if you want to identify as a Mexoswarthifascist, maybe the Yakima Police Department should just deport you to Tiajuañña! And if you want to be an athéist, then they can deport you to some Godless country like Europe!

    I think Mayor Crawley should open council meetings by bringing in one of the folks you often find at bus stations and homeless shelters, the ones who shout incessantly about what God wants them to do, which generally involves killing people. We had one on our ward last week who was ranting like that for a day and a half; kept all the other patients awake until finally the psych on-call ordered me to inject him with haldol decanoate which shut him up real good. But I crossed myself before I did it, because you never know if someone like that is actually Jesus returned to Earth in a different form in order to test us. I wish we coulda just shipped the loony bastard to Yakima instead.

  2. General, Sir:

    That there is one earnest lookin' and, let's face it, semi-hot young wrangler of the wretched. I second what Mr. Bukko Canukko said firstly. I gotta add however that his homeless guy on the ward would not BE teh KKKrazee if he was to wind up in Yakima, he'd be one of the "elect" or wtf the Morons call their "special" folks.

  3. OMG! That pic of the young mayor just set off every gaydar alarm in the house!

  4. Reminds me of the time Herr Enser stared Day 1 in high school Deutsch with a lesson in how to say "I am a Mormon." I already knew the word for "not" and was all set to roll out "Ich bin Congregazionalistisch" when the girl in front of me managed to say "Ich nicht...Mormonen. Ich bin... Episkopalien? Anglisch?"

    The look on Herr Bruder Enser's face was priceless when, as other "nicht-Mormonen" were emboldened to stumble through Germanified versions of several mainstream religions, he realized that at least a quarter of his class were infidels.

    The rest of the year was fun, as a girlfriend and I made a point of bringing in large coffees-to-go from a nearby restaurant. This is 2 decades before Starbucks, mind.

    Topic: that nice minister stole Sarah Palin's specs.

  5. Where's the requisite background flag in that picture? Does Micah secretly hate our freedoms? If he ever expects to make it to the bigs, he damn well better sit in front of a Murikan flag next time.

  6. What a bunch of yellow-bellied Yakamites! They should start off their meetings with the blood of the savior jet-sprayed over all the attendees, and then follow that up by offering up the women to give as sex slaves to Yahweh, for his delight and promise of a good harvest. Prayer is the gift we give the lord as a thank you for his never actually appearing.

  7. I agree with MOJoe. He isn't wearing a flag label pin either. Why does he hate America?

  8. I once kicked the ass of a guy named Hayzoos. Does that count?


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.