The "Whitest of the Aesir"

George Allen
Potential GOP Senate Candidate

Dear Gov. Allen,

I understand you're considering another run for the Senate. I'm glad you're doing it. I think you'll be able to overcome all the criticism you received in your last run for hurling racial epithets, hanging a noose and a Confederate flag in your office, and sticking severed deer heads in black families' mailboxes. You just need to put it all in its proper context. I have an idea that you can use to do just that.

As I'm sure you are aware, your friends at the White Citizens Council Council of Conservative Citizens are organizing a boycott of the Marvel Comics movie, "Thor." They object the studio's casting of Stringer Bell to play one of Thor's fellow gods, Heimdall. You see, he doesn't look Norwegian at all--in fact, he's the-black.

Ian Huyett, a paleoconservative-libertarian student leader at Kansas State, explains why it's so wrong to have a the-black play Heimdall:

Heimdall was revered by generations of my ancestors...as "hvítastr ása" or the "whitest of the aesir"...While Marvel likely intended Mr. Elba's casting to be a gesture of harmless irony, choosing an African actor to portray "the white god" displays a profound and acerbic disrespect both for people of Germanic descent

My God, man. There it is. Heimdall was the "whitest of the aesir"--kind of like Washington Post columnist Richard Cohen--it's an insult to the Germans to introduce even a speck of melanin into such an important comic book character's body paint.

You have to run with this Governor. It'll put the proper context to your past problems--you don't hate black people, you just want to make sure Norwegians get their due.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot