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Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The "Whitest of the Aesir"

George Allen
Potential GOP Senate Candidate

Dear Gov. Allen,

I understand you're considering another run for the Senate. I'm glad you're doing it. I think you'll be able to overcome all the criticism you received in your last run for hurling racial epithets, hanging a noose and a Confederate flag in your office, and sticking severed deer heads in black families' mailboxes. You just need to put it all in its proper context. I have an idea that you can use to do just that.

As I'm sure you are aware, your friends at the White Citizens Council Council of Conservative Citizens are organizing a boycott of the Marvel Comics movie, "Thor." They object the studio's casting of Stringer Bell to play one of Thor's fellow gods, Heimdall. You see, he doesn't look Norwegian at all--in fact, he's the-black.

Ian Huyett, a paleoconservative-libertarian student leader at Kansas State, explains why it's so wrong to have a the-black play Heimdall:
Heimdall was revered by generations of my "hvítastr ása" or the "whitest of the aesir"...While Marvel likely intended Mr. Elba's casting to be a gesture of harmless irony, choosing an African actor to portray "the white god" displays a profound and acerbic disrespect both for people of Germanic descent
My God, man. There it is. Heimdall was the "whitest of the aesir"--kind of like Washington Post columnist Richard Cohen--it's an insult to the Germans to introduce even a speck of melanin into such an important comic book character's body paint.

You have to run with this Governor. It'll put the proper context to your past problems--you don't hate black people, you just want to make sure Norwegians get their due.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. Council of Conservative Citizens are organizing a boycott of the Marvel Comics movie, "Thor."

    A bigot-free screening? How nice of them!

  2. It's true. Heimdall could neither dance nor jump.

  3. It sounds like they are cutting off their noses to spite their faces. Sure, they can't read books without pictures like most people. Now how are they going to explain the words without pictures to tell them?

  4. I rather like gajewski g's observation. They're just being nice to people who have neither scars nor scabs on their knuckles (need I remind the troops that scabs in the popcorn are a real downer?).

  5. Stringer should have to do it in white face as punishment for insulting the whale eating ancestors of Thor Heyerdahl.

  6. ...and you know what happened the LAST time anybody "showed disrespect...for people of Germanic descent":


  7. Not only is this a slap in the face to people of Germanic descent-- Idris Elba is personally slapping people of Anglo-Saxon descent in the face by disingenuously being born in London and living his whole life there, despite being, as Ian Huyett points out, an "African".

    Huyett, no doubt out of a respect for propriety, neglects to mention the other reason this casting is so outrageous. Unlike other gods who managed weather, sunshine, fertility, etc., Heimdall basically just worked in Asgard and didn't really interact with mortals-- except for the several times he vacationed on Earth, met some nice mortal Scandinavian ladies, and charmed their pants off, thereby becoming the ancestor of large numbers of human beings. If Heimdall was a crypto-African and he was carrying on like that... need I say more? And clearly Idris Elba has been laying the groundwork for this horrible racial propaganda act his whole life, by being SEXY AS ALL HELL.

  8. Being of Jewish parentage (and grandparentage,etc), I don't think I am part of Ian's remarkable "14%" and wow ! Paleoconservative !

    I wasn't planning on seeing this movie, but now, as the saying goes: You Betcha !

    Incidentally, there is an "observer" at kmareka attacking the ninjanurse, SPLC, and yes, my "integrity" or lack of.

    Here's their link:

  9. Actually, I am of Germanic descent. I thought about the problem. I mulled it over. I ran it up the flagpole to see if it flew. The idea was taken on board.
    I came up with a conclusion: "I couldn't give a f%^& about a black man acting as a Norse God and I take no offense."

    Then, out of nowhere, I wondered aloud (which drew funny looks)"Does Gov. Allen have the same level of umbrage with a blue-eyed golden haired Christ?"

  10. Speaking as an average Christian, not specifically as a white kkkonservative one, I have no objection to Stringer Bell -- (wasn't that also the name of a failed Taco Bell promotional item using Meskin cheese extruded into string-like shapes?) -- to play a pagan Norse falsegod. This will make it easier for the True White God (or multiple Gods, depending on how your sect views the Holy Trinity) to identify him as an idolator and cast him into Hell for all of eternity when he dies. Sometimes these sinners make it too easy for the Real God to pick them out of the Condemnation Lineup, eh?

    But this sermon reminds me of a gripe I've had ever since I got Born Agin after the shameful incident that does not bear repeating and the court records are sealed anyway. It's the Norse pagan names that the English language uses for the days of the week. Wednesday (which is a damn stupid way to spell something anyhow, if you look at it close) is based on "Wotan's Day." Thursday is "Thor's Day." Friday is "Freya's Day" and she was just a slut who slept with the gods. Except she didn't, because they're all just a bunch of made-up fairy tales, unlike the True Christian Religion.

    I'm deathly afraid that I'm going to Hell because every time I pronounce one of these days, I am blaspheming the Commandment of Our Lord of Hosts the Most Merciful God on High ohpleasedon'tkillmepleasedon'tkillme. We speak the ENGLISH language! Why are we using the names of NORSE gods?!? I bet they don't do that in jibber-jabber pagan tongues like French, Spanish and Punjabi.

    It's time to change the names of the days of the week to reflect our Christian heritage. And also continue with the Republikkkan effort to name as many things as possible after Ronald Reagan in order to rub Demoncrat's noses in the dirt. So "Friday" should be re-branded "Reaganday" so that way everybody can say "Thank God it's Reaganday" and the crappy restaurant chain will have to change all its signs. We should have a "Bushday" to replace one of the other pagandays as a way of honouring the past noble warpresidents and futureWarPresident Jeb, who will deliver us from the evils of the aggressive nuclear-arming Persians, even if he has to drop atomic weapons on them. That still leaves one more pagan day of the week. Maybe we could make that "Newtday." That'd be a good choice for Wednesday, because that's "hump day," and when you think of Newt and his many wives, doesn't humping come to mind?

    Anyway, it's time to change the way we say the days of the week, to prevent sinning. And after we do that, we can start with the pagan months of the year. I mean, c'mon -- JANUARY?

  11. Bukko Canukko:

    Maybe "HumpingNewtDay" would be better.

    Black Thor, well, alrighty then!

  12. To be fair, it would be hard to find someone white enough to fill the role. The medieval Norwegians thought that the Scottish were a little swarthy.

  13. Maybe I'm confused, but aren't actors in the business of playing roles?
    Or is it an insult that no one in the movie is actually a god?


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.