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Tuesday, December 14, 2010

The Road to Hell is Lined With Suicide-Prevention Billboards

Lana Hiskey
Public Relations Officer
Nebo School District
Spanish Fork, UT

Dear Sister Hiskey,

I couldn't agree more. It's inappropriate to post a sign urging gay kids to not commit suicide. And, yes, it's even worse if the sign is posted at a location where gay kids can see it. I also agree that the sign exposes children to "adult themes" by declaring that "gays are born gay."

One can only imagine what effect such an adult themed sign is having on the kids. No doubt at least half the third grade is donning smoking jackets or bustiers while swilling martinis and flinging ashes from smokes dangling from long cigarette holders.

However, I must object to your treatment of the sign-maker's ten-year-old granddaughter. Sure, she deserved to be interrogated--after all, her grandfather posted the sign on his property facing the school. But why stop with a simple grilling? You suspected she might have lesbian tendencies. Why didn't you subject her to a BYU-style reparative therapy session and jolt her with 10,000 volts of soul-healing love?

Heterosexually yours (in a chaste and thoroughly Book of Mormon appropriate way),

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Here's the video (I must say that Sister Hiskey just radiates the spirit of the Relief Society).


  1. It would be terrible for elminority skool childrens to be exposed to concepts like homsexualism via billboards. It might make them grow up and not want to purchase Liagra and Vulvetra and the other boner-producing hetrosexualist drugs that are advertised on TV all the time. Think Of The Children! Sex education is best learned in 30 second TV spots about erections lasting for four hours.

  2. Sister H. is just cleaving to the Word. Bible says "suffer the little children . . . " ergo, it just ain't right to interfere with their God-given suffering . . .

  3. General, Sir:

    If I might be so bold. In my other life (when I'm not knee deep in transmixler and injun parts in the motor pool--or dealing with personnel issues at "Feelin' Good Gents' Club") I am a naysent awthur. I been writin' my soon to be unleashed kitchen compendium, "Al Fresco Dining With The Donners--the third white meat" and I know a thing or two about what will or won't work in the area of notboar longpig--if ya get my meaning.

    Grilling, simple or otherwise will not bring out the best flavor--nor will "zappin"; that just tends to toughen up the entree. If you wanna know the truth, Sir, it's slow roasting over a nice smoky fire that does the trick. It was good enough for the witches back in the day and it orta be good enough for that little notmanislamofascist.

    I would think it pruoodent, however, to do a test run first with some tough old buzzard like that Ms. Hikeupmyskirt'n'spankmedaddy. She looks like she's a few good rogerins shy oF a lost weekend.

  4. Is the sign speaking out about Gays who commit suicide or is it telling people not to commit suicide in a Gay way?

    I mean, if a man is going to off himself, he should do it by self inflicted gunshot or by jumping off of something really tall or by going on an armored bulldozer rampage.

    Cutting wrists in the bathtub or sleeping pills, hell, you might as well put on a tutu.

  5. Thomas,

    I thought you meant drinking sleeping pills in champagne whilst watching Priscilla, Queen of the Desert wearing a tutu and heavy makeup kinda way. That's a pretty gay way to die.

    Overall tho, I think Lana has been misunderstood. They should be living with chronic doubt, depression and self loathing until they are adult enough to commit suicide. Having the signs there now does two things. It educes the sense of wrongness they may feel and second, heaven forbid, may convince them they don't need to top themselves for their deplorable, non-biblical lifestyles. That has to be nipped in the bud, I say!

    PS. Is Lana Hiskey going to test the 10 year old girl's resolve to a heterosexual lifestyle by being a she-devil and tempting the poor child? Its a perfect way to catch out these secret homosexualists. The Catholic church has been finding secret homosexualist choir boys using a similar technique for centuries.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.