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Friday, December 03, 2010

The Opinuary Column

The Opinion "The FBI would never spend months nurturing the murderous fantasies of an angry, disenfranchised Somali-American teenager" has died from a self-inflicted gunshot. Friends of the Opinion have stated off the record that 'it was only a matter of time before it expired.' Meanwhile, X Box's "Kill Everyone Over and Over Again, and Do It In 3D" continues to make a nice buck.

Former President George W. Bush, whose violent, destructive fantasies had also been channeled by advisers to ultimately kill, wound and displace hundreds of thousands of Iraqi citizens, refrained from comment while on his book tour. Had Bush been recruited by the FBI instead of major corporations billions of taxpayer dollars would have been saved as his invasion would have been fake, but white people don't want to talk about that. It's much, much better to be angry and afraid of a menacing, alienated black Muslim. Had Mohamed Osman Mohamud directed his juvenile, apocalyptic machismo toward Iran instead of a city in the United States we would be singing 'For He's a Jolly Good Fellow.' Remember: Bush stood in front of a banner that read "Mission Accomplished" after his bombs went off. I guess it all boils down to who you know.

One last thought: if you give a man a bomb you help him blow something up for a day, but if you pretend to help him kill thousands of civilians at a Christmas Tree lighting you blow him up for the rest of his life. Or words to that effect.

A Celebration of Manipulated Mayhem will be held in Portland in February because, well, we're talking about February, and nobody really gives a shit in February, so if you want to have a public event by all means go ahead, do it in February. Except not on Valentine's Day--don't hold some namby-pamby event on Valentine's Day. But now that I think about it, exploding chocolates would be cool.


  1. I heard the FBI was trying to get some Mahometan to plan another St. Valentine's Day Massacre like the Mob did in Chicago, but those heathen Musselmen don't believe in the saints. And having Eye-talians or Eye-rishmen fake a machine-gun slaughter just isn't terrrrrrrrrizing enough. It happens every other week at the mall or the high school, after all.

  2. I'm a bit disappointed in this opinuary. It seems to miss the point on the global war on terror.

    Look, the US hasn't really been attacked since 9/11. It's only conducted a couple of wars since and the defense industry is going great. People are afraid. All is well.
    So, what happens when ou run out of Emmanuel Goldsteins? Do you throw up you hands like a not-quitter like Palin? Do you accept peacetime and start becoming all liberal? of COURSE not. You start using that good 'ole American ingenuity and start creating terrorists.
    Its perfect. The guy is not-white. He is a muslim. He's already 1/2 way to being a terrorist anyway! 6 months to coax him along is nothing in the grand scheme of things.
    Thingk of the lessons the FBI learnt. They'll probably be going manufacturing terrorists in half the time next time!

  3. Hey...the Rich White Boys get to play with real war toys, 'cause they're doing Jesus' work...


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.