Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

If you like the patriotic work we're doing, please consider donating a few dollars. We could use it. (if asked for my email, use "gen.jc.christian@gmail.com.")
Thanks!

Thursday, December 02, 2010

The Foreskin of Christ Compels You

His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI
Bishop Of Rome And Vicar Of Jesus Christ
Successor Of St. Peter, Prince Of The Apostles

Most Holy Father,

As you know, we lost another battle, today. This time it was fought in the Illinois legislature, where, in spite of Cardinal Francis George's efforts to defend the most holy practice of love segregation, an "all-but-marriage" domestic unions bill was passed.

We've got to do better than this. Cardinal George's threat to shut down Catholic social services in Illinois failed, just like it failed in all the other states where it was tried. It fails because no one believes the Church will actually do it. It'd be a public relations nightmare. How could you justify punishing the poor like that? The Church isn't the Republican Senate Caucus.

It's time to bring out the big guns, and by that I mean a tiny piece of flesh: that most holy piece of meat the Church whisked off to the Vatican in 1983. Of course, I'm talking about Our Lord and Savior's sacred foreskin.

Think about it. How could any legislature strike down love segregation while a cardinal or archbishop is standing in front of them, waving the tip of Jesus' immaculate unit? I mean, my gosh, it's an actual piece of Our Redeemer. It has to be persuasive.

Better yet, have the cardinal hold it against his ear and, then, loudly proclaim something like, "The Foreskin of Christ compels you to defeat this bill." How could any legislator support such a bill after that?

Heterosexually Yours

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

p.s. Please forgive me for asking, but I've wondered about the following since I first heard that the Church has Our Savior's foreskin. If you put it on your tongue, would it turn into a communion wafer?

16 comments:

  1. Better yet, have the cardinal hold it against his ear and, then, loudly proclaim something like, "The Foreskin of Christ compels you to defeat this bill." How could any legislator support such a bill after that?

    It is probably more likely that if the cardinal holds the relic against his ear, he will hear the ocean.

    ReplyDelete
  2. If you put it on your tongue, would it turn into a communion wafer?

    Yes, but only if you put it in just a little.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Did they ever settle which church's Sacred Prepuce was the real one? Many churches have claimed it.

    ReplyDelete
  4. A single communion wafer? Rub it first and you can feed the masses.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Christmas is fast approaching. Now would be the time for one of the Panzerpope's minions to give him that special little "something" to take his sainted mind off the grueling day-to-day of endless Move-The-Perp and picking out new hats and dresses.

    I see the popes favorite old que--, I mean Cardinal, coming in for a "Private Audience" and after finishing his, err, "obeisance" giving the prelate a small gift wrapped box. When the pope opens the box, his eyes widen and he says, "WDF* is this?".

    The Cardinal says, "Oh, your holiness, it is a miraculous little coin purse, made from the finest imaginable leater, HIS eternal foreskin. It was fashioned by one of the Gucci masters and I think you'll really like that when you rub it, it turns into a complete set of luggage!".

    Hey, I'll be here till the Epiphany, try the Fatted Calf, stufffed with capons and prunes.

    democomic



    *Was de ficken?

    ReplyDelete
  6. Favorite line from the article -

    "They couldn't let Christ's body go without keeping a piece," John Calvin quipped.

    ReplyDelete
  7. This:

    “How could you justify punishing the poor like that? The Church isn't the Republican Senate Caucus.”

    Is why we love you, General.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Fuck a foreskin! I thought that we fine, fine Catholics were at least up to fiveskins by now... yes?

    ReplyDelete
  9. I heard the real reason that JC rose from the dead. It has nothing to do with redemption. It was about getting his damned foreskin back. When he rose from the dead he said unto the crowd 'Who the f$%# took bits of my manhood whilst I was on the cross?'

    Wikipedia has proof of JC's divinity. Apparently, there are as many as 18 different foreskins. Only the son of God would have some an intimidatingly long willy.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Then there was the rabbi who was given a wallet made of foreskins. You rubbed it it and it became a golfbag.

    ReplyDelete
  11. O....M....G.... You mean these people actually WORSHIP a snipped-off piece of the Most Holy Dong????

    That's it. I'm done with Christianity. It's too kinky for me.

    ReplyDelete
  12. You get to keep those? I didn't even get to keep my tonsils.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Sure you get to keep them. Mine is in a glass jar on my nightstand. Every Halloween I rub it, slip it around my head, and dress as a wood-burning stove.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I thought the moyel kept the clippings...

    ReplyDelete

We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.