His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI
Bishop Of Rome And Vicar Of Jesus Christ
Successor Of St. Peter, Prince Of The Apostles
Most Holy Father,
As you know, we lost another battle, today. This time it was fought in the Illinois legislature, where, in spite of Cardinal Francis George's efforts to defend the most holy practice of love segregation, an "all-but-marriage" domestic unions bill was passed.
We've got to do better than this. Cardinal George's threat to shut down Catholic social services in Illinois failed, just like it failed in all the other states where it was tried. It fails because no one believes the Church will actually do it. It'd be a public relations nightmare. How could you justify punishing the poor like that? The Church isn't the Republican Senate Caucus.
It's time to bring out the big guns, and by that I mean a tiny piece of flesh: that most holy piece of meat the Church whisked off to the Vatican in 1983. Of course, I'm talking about Our Lord and Savior's sacred foreskin.
Think about it. How could any legislature strike down love segregation while a cardinal or archbishop is standing in front of them, waving the tip of Jesus' immaculate unit? I mean, my gosh, it's an actual piece of Our Redeemer. It has to be persuasive.
Better yet, have the cardinal hold it against his ear and, then, loudly proclaim something like, "The Foreskin of Christ compels you to defeat this bill." How could any legislator support such a bill after that?
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
p.s. Please forgive me for asking, but I've wondered about the following since I first heard that the Church has Our Savior's foreskin. If you put it on your tongue, would it turn into a communion wafer?