Honored Journalist
Bremerton Patriot
Dear Mrs. Fergusen,
You may remember me. I wrote you awhile back about your column on the joys of slavery and the tragedy of emancipation. I don't think I've ever read a more thoughtful or sympathetic description of what "top drawer blacks" suffered through in the post-slavery era.It was a great column, and until today, I was sure it would be remembered as your best. But your investigative piece in the latest edition of the Bremerton Patriot exceeds everything you've written to date. It's a true masterpiece. Indeed, it's the journalistic equivalent of Argo's magnificent Jose el Plomero en el Terciopelo Negro. I mean, hey, how can anyone beat reasoning like this:
I don’t want to alarm anybody but I’ve been a little apprehensive over what I found in the change kicked out by the till at one of the local stores the other day.I think you may be onto something, and that got me to thinking about other threats we might have here. Take the bar down the street for instance. It's called "O'Leary's Irish Pub." I checked it out and it has maps and flags of Ireland everywhere. Obviously, there are Irish people living in the area.
It was a 10-shillings coin from the Republic of Somalia dated 2002. It has a dromedary camel on one side and a coat of arms on the other.
No, I have never been to Somalia. All I really know about Somalia is that it is the home base of a gang of pirates who prey on the 18,000 ships that travel through the Gulf of Aden each year.
[...]
Now, I know I am making a whole lot out of one little coin, but one does not expect a coin from Somalia to show up in grocery store change in Puget Sound unless someone from Somalia parted with it. Are we being scouted for an attack on our ferry system? Lord knows we’ve got a bunch of ferries plying the waters that would be easy prey. The crews, by my observation over the years, frequently disappear below decks the minute we leave port and don’t reappear until the landing whistle blows on the other side. That, I figure, is to avoid being annoyed by passengers with questions requiring some action.
I can’t imagine the taking of a ferryboat because where would they go with it while negotiating ransom for the passengers. What if some passengers preferred a brief cruise attending catered fish frys and clam bakes to having to go home and go out looking for a job? So it’s up to you. I don’t even know what a Somalian looks like, but if you see anybody on the ferry carrying what appears to be an AK-47, call 911. You’ve been warned.
As you are surely aware, the Irish are known as a particularly Catholic, drunken, and rowdy lot. Are we being scouted in preparation for a series of drunken brawls in our protestant churches? Think about it. Whats to stop a bunch of Guinness-swilling drunks from stumbling into Christ Memorial Church in Poulsbo, slugging Pastor Pearson, pelting the congregation with potatoes, and abusing the organ? If you see anybody wearing green in church, call 911. You’ve been warned.
Thanks, and I'm not a homosexual,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
Helmet tips to Seattle Tammy and all the Wellstoners who assisted me in speaking in tongues.
And now for something completely different: Happy 5th, Richard!
