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Monday, February 23, 2009

Arrrrrrg! Pour me another venti mocha. I missed the 3:15 to Bainbridge Island.

Adele Fergusen
Honored Journalist
Bremerton Patriot

Dear Mrs. Fergusen,

You may remember me. I wrote you awhile back about your column on the joys of slavery and the tragedy of emancipation. I don't think I've ever read a more thoughtful or sympathetic description of what "top drawer blacks" suffered through in the post-slavery era.

It was a great column, and until today, I was sure it would be remembered as your best. But your investigative piece in the latest edition of the Bremerton Patriot exceeds everything you've written to date. It's a true masterpiece. Indeed, it's the journalistic equivalent of Argo's magnificent Jose el Plomero en el Terciopelo Negro. I mean, hey, how can anyone beat reasoning like this:
I don’t want to alarm anybody but I’ve been a little apprehensive over what I found in the change kicked out by the till at one of the local stores the other day.

It was a 10-shillings coin from the Republic of Somalia dated 2002. It has a dromedary camel on one side and a coat of arms on the other.

No, I have never been to Somalia. All I really know about Somalia is that it is the home base of a gang of pirates who prey on the 18,000 ships that travel through the Gulf of Aden each year.

[...]

Now, I know I am making a whole lot out of one little coin, but one does not expect a coin from Somalia to show up in grocery store change in Puget Sound unless someone from Somalia parted with it. Are we being scouted for an attack on our ferry system? Lord knows we’ve got a bunch of ferries plying the waters that would be easy prey. The crews, by my observation over the years, frequently disappear below decks the minute we leave port and don’t reappear until the landing whistle blows on the other side. That, I figure, is to avoid being annoyed by passengers with questions requiring some action.

I can’t imagine the taking of a ferryboat because where would they go with it while negotiating ransom for the passengers. What if some passengers preferred a brief cruise attending catered fish frys and clam bakes to having to go home and go out looking for a job? So it’s up to you. I don’t even know what a Somalian looks like, but if you see anybody on the ferry carrying what appears to be an AK-47, call 911. You’ve been warned.
I think you may be onto something, and that got me to thinking about other threats we might have here. Take the bar down the street for instance. It's called "O'Leary's Irish Pub." I checked it out and it has maps and flags of Ireland everywhere. Obviously, there are Irish people living in the area.

As you are surely aware, the Irish are known as a particularly Catholic, drunken, and rowdy lot. Are we being scouted in preparation for a series of drunken brawls in our protestant churches? Think about it. Whats to stop a bunch of Guinness-swilling drunks from stumbling into Christ Memorial Church in Poulsbo, slugging Pastor Pearson, pelting the congregation with potatoes, and abusing the organ? If you see anybody wearing green in church, call 911. You’ve been warned.

Thanks, and I'm not a homosexual,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Helmet tips to Seattle Tammy and all the Wellstoners who assisted me in speaking in tongues.

And now for something completely different: Happy 5th, Richard!

21 comments:

  1. A coupla weeks ago I went to the roller derby in Bremerton. I feel so stupid because I didn't even think to keep my eyes peeled for Somalian pirates. Close call. Now I know to be on the lookout. Whew.

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  2. General Sir!

    The good Sister Ferguson might be on to something else: The Somalians are trying to undermine our economy by co-mingling their pocket change with our own in the Safeway change machine. Think of the damage the Somalians have done to our economy! Why I bet they have even taken out home mortgages within our borders and are in default right now! Those bastards!!!

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  3. Believe she needs to be "jolly rogered". If Palin can see Russia, I ought to be able to keep an eye on the Panama Canal for those slimey bilge rats.....

    I thought we had these folks cornered here in Texas in training for high office?

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  4. Somalian Pirates in the Pacific Northwest!

    i took the wheel of the captain's ship
    and steered her through the pass
    a ferry ship at a rapid clip
    as precious as a lass

    we sighted land and prepped the mast
    our port called out to us
    but pirate scum turned us to chum
    and turned our dreams to rust

    (chorus)
    somalian pirates
    so far from home
    they took our children
    they took our iPhones
    somalian pirates
    of the great northwest
    somalian pirates
    are brutal, fucking pests

    avast, avaunt me hearties
    they made us walk the plank
    they didst divest our treasure chest
    before our ship they sank

    how did they manage this trick
    so far from the continent dark?
    just ask the good folk of bremerton
    what happened to noah's ark

    (chorus)
    somalian pirates
    so far from home
    they took our children
    they took our iPhones
    somalian pirates
    of the great northwest
    somalian pirates
    are brutal, fucking pests

    ++++

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  5. Wait until she finds out about the Chinese restaurant -- those Chinese are atheistic communists, you know!!

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  6. General, Sir:

    Is this Pammy Atlasshagged's mommy? I mean, she is the doyenne of dumbfuckery, if ever there was one. It would be a shame if this woman went home to JESUS without bearing her share of progeny. If she's willin', and if Brother Knowdoubt is ready for a challenge--that will prove his deovotion to the cause of the GC(Cubed)R then I say, "Cry havoc, and let slip the little soldier of war!"

    Oh, btw, Sir; I've been seeing an ad with some guys in a pirate outfit playing guitar and singing about identity theft. It all sounds very Somalian to me (although he must be from the part of Somalia that is near the Baltic Sea).

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  7. Brother knowdoubt stands ready to carry the torch for the cause and prove his devotion, anytime, anywhere. The little soldier does have a mind all its own, though and tells me that such a mission would most likely be beyond his capabilities absent enormous support.

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  8. Addendum: I have to report that when confronted with lesser challenges in the past, the little soldier's performance has been dismal. He has reverted to what only could be likened to and appears as a bellybutton often referred to as an iney, as opposed to an outey. The little guy goes AWOL and can't be even located until the threat has passed.

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  9. I feel safer with Mrs Ferg on duty. You can't trust anybody what puts camels on coins.

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  10. You're right to be wary of the potato munching micks - they are well organized and their influence reaches to the very top reaches of government. Remember how that 911 memorial in Pennsylvania was shaped like a musselman cresent? Well, think about it - every single city and town in this nation, big and small, has some sort of park in it. Parks filled with grass.

    GREEN grass.

    We're through the looking glass, here, people.

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  11. I don’t even know what a Somalian looks like,

    They look like this. About 10^6% times better than that fat pig who thinks they are all pirates.

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  12. Gen’rul, sir. You say “Guinness-swilling drunks” like it’s a bad thing. Why, it’s patriotism of the highest order, ask me.

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  13. I have it on good authority that Somali pirates look like black people. Which, when you think about it, is damn scary. They could be hiding ANYWHERE!!!!!1!!!!111!

    Except in my neighborhood, of course. But one can't lock oneself inside the gated community forever, can one? I mean, seriously, we don't even have a Starbucks in here. Maybe we should rethink that whole retail zoning ban. If we could get some decent shops in here, we'd never have to leave!!

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  14. Dave, dude, it's only a bad thing if it's that damned imported Guinness and not a good ol' 'Murikan brew.

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  15. Yes Ms Ferguson, Puget Sound is indeed heavily populated with Somali pirates eager to hijack the Spokane and the Walla Walla, violate our daughters and desecrate the flag. Under the auspices of the current muslim infiltrated administration, they have been given carte blanche to take this land to establish a new Islamic outpost in the Pacific Northwest. Good Americans such as ourselves knew that Sharia law would quickly follow the illegitimate election of the foreign born scourge named Barack HUSSEIN Obama! As a fellow patriot, I urge you to hole up in your trailer and not call anymore attention to yourself, as you could now be in grave danger for having exposed their nefarious plot! Disconnect your phone, board up your windows and trust no one! And for god's sake and the sake of America, don't risk writing anymore exposes about our new Muslim overlords until the Idaho Militias rescues you!
    God Bless America!

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  16. I swear I don't know how they got past my blockade at the Port of Oakland. Those pirates is tricksy, they is!

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  17. MoJoe: Why, of course I only drink American Guinness. Whadaya take me for, a goddam foreigner?

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  18. It's a humour column, right. Right? I mean, she's not the new Dave Barry, but it's not a bad parody of Republican-voting paranoia and ignorance. I'd give it at least a six.

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  19. I have the same problem down here with the goddamn New Zealand money sneaking out of the till. Same size, same queen on the front, the only difference is that there's kiwis and strange animals on the backs of the coins instead of lyre birds and Aboriginal elders and normal stuff like that. And that NZ money is worth 25% less!

    Fortunately, the only people who seem to notice are the Korean shopkeepers. They're some sharp-eyed buggers. Must be something about the slant.

    Anyway, I reckon the Kiwis (the people, not the birds) are scouting out something nefarious. No sheep is safe, I tell ya. No male one, that is. The females have always been at risk since the convict days...

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  20. You people are all missing the bigger picture. Sure, it's a Somali coin, but it's a Somali coin from 2002. They're not just pirates, they're time-traveling pirates.

    We are soooo screwed.

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  21. Bukko, mate, it wasn't the Royal New Zealand Navy that coined the call "Abandon sheep."

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.