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Monday, January 17, 2011

You'll Get my Ass Bone when You Pry it from My Cold, Dead Hands

Terry L. Thompson
Sheriff, Weber County, Utah

Rep. Carl Wimmer
Utah House of Representatives

Dear Sheriff Thompson and Rep. Wimmer,

Before I begin, I want to thank both of you. Rep. Wimmer, I appreciate the sentiment behind your bill to make the .45 caliber Browning M-1911 semi-automatic pistol the official state firearm, and Sheriff Thompson, I agree that God loves a good execution. But I think you're both a little off track.

Utah is God's favorite state. It's Deseret. It's the acting Zion until we build the permanent one in Jackson County, Missouri. Utah shouldn't choose a secular firearm to serve as its official weapon. Rather, you should choose something more biblical or more Book of Mormoncal--one of God's favored life-takers--to serve as the state weapon.

Of course hurricanes, floods, earthquakes, and hemorrhoids are out of the question. God used such weapons to smite whole cities and nations. We need something a little bit more discriminating and personal here. I think the jawbone of an ass is the perfect solution.

Think about it. God seems to like a good jawbone slaughter. Samson killed a whole shitload of Philistines with one (Judges 15:16). And Nephi's dad, Lehi, was likely named in honor of Samson's ass jawbone.

And as for God approving Sheriff Thompson's application to serve on the state's firing squad, perhaps that's true, but again, don't you think God would be more pleased if you honored Him by using a jawbone of an ass to beat the prisoners to death? I sure think so.

It's a little known fact that although Jesus was a big supporter of capital punishment, he didn't approve of the way it was conducted. Crucifixion was a little too foreignish, a little too Muslimy, for him. That's why, after one of His water-into-wine parties on Cana's 25th Street, He'd often go up to Golgotha and beat all the crucified people to death with His favorite pearl-handled jawbone of an ass (it had the words, "You Lie." etched into it).

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. I'm not going to get into the hot-headed debate over what the Official Utah State Man-Killing Weapon should be, because I know there are some who feel that Moses' staff should be chosen. It obliterated a cast of thousands, because the patriarchassassin used it to cause those plauges and waved it around when God was killing all the Egyptians' first-born male chilluns -- but Our Merciful Lord was not aborting any UN-born babies, just snuffing the ones already alive! And of course Moz Death waved it to make the Red Sea crash down over the Pharaoh and his wicked slave-chasing armies. (Which were nothing like the Grey Army of the Confederacy, since the War Between the Hates was NOT about slavery, no sirree boy!)

    Ennyhoo, I don't want to get in the middle of this conflict, because I might get shot. This is America we're talking about, after all, the Land of the Free, where you can get shot if you don't keep your big yap shut.

    But I think Utah should chose the She-Bear Which Eateth Children Who Mock Holy Men as its state animal, if it doesn't already have one. I can't be bothered to Oogle to find out, because I've spent enough time researching this homily. And if Utah DOES have a state animal (please tell me it's not something weenie like a spotted owl or a snail darter) then the She-Bear should be the official state carnivore. It would be a great thing to scare small children with before they go to sleep.

  2. Bukko -- you wil be happy to know that it is the Rocky Mountain Elk

  3. General, Sir:

    I think the Jawbone of an Ass is a great idea for the USW. In addition to all of it's GODLY kashay, it's readily available. Why, both the Shurf and Reprehensitive Whankerwhim already HAVE one and, apparently, an Open Carry License to boot. ++GoodforGOD!!

  4. An Elk? Jcricket, is this some sort of joke? A sheep with twigs stuck on its head is the state animal of Utah?? You might as well just spit out that the whole state is gay. Pfft!
    I'm votin' the Shebear.

  5. General, Sir:
    I'm less concerned by the means (i.e., Ass Jawbone, Glock, whatever) by which they undertake to kill one another off over there in Holding Pattern Heaven than I am that they simply get on with it. People who LOVE guns should be able to experience that love in all its many splendorous forms--and that includes having a loved one or four fall victim go gun violence.

  6. I still think that good old stoning is biblical and will end the cruel and unusual question once and for all. Post those 10 commandments and foller the Feller who said thus and such. The vengence lobby will stand up with all of us fearing godly types.

  7. General Sir,
    "The jawbone of an ass is just as dangerous a weapon today as in Sampson's time." --- Richard Nixon.
    This comes from someone who knows his ass jawbone, Sir. He could teach the sweaty wrestler a thing or two. At close quarter, a .45 is a bit cumbersome but if you're packin some donkey denture -
    On another note, lokks like you've got some competition...
    "I judge Glenn by his fruits, not by his labels, and I am honored to call Glenn not only an ally and a fellow warrior (and a General) in the culture war, but especially to call him a good friend."
    God bless!
    David Barton

  8. * "looks like you've got some competition"*

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.