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Friday, February 04, 2011

Brother Jed Ain't No Frenchman

Brother Jed Smock
The Campus Ministry USA

Dear Brother Jed,

I've been a big fan of yours since I heard you preach about patting the robertson. That's how I learned that loping one's mule is a homosexualist act. It's like you said, "When you masturbate, you're already sort of a homosexual, because by nature, self-gratification is a same-sex act."

But now, after seeing this video, I gotta say I love you even more (in a purely heterosexual-lifestyle-embracing kind of way, of course). It's not often I come across a guy who can so quickly point out new, strange acts of immorality I never dreamed existed.

I mean, you took one look at those homosexualists and immediately declared they were "kissing in that French way." Dang, that was fast. I didn't even know what the heck you were talking about at first. I didn't see berets or snails, or even toast.

I finally had to look it up, and, by gawd, I wish I hadn't. Apparently, the French stick their tongues into each other's mouths. I can't imagine anyone doing that except to maybe save a life--my wife, OfJoshua, is always saving Mr. Rodriquez's life that way; good thing he lives next door.

I bet Obama kisses his wife in that French way--it's kinda socialist and France is foreign, like Kenya.

No way Reagan or W ever did it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot.


  1. When did Mr Garcia move out and Mr Rodriguez move in? Gosh, OfJoshua sure is a generous and giving woman to be so neighborly in a serial kind of way. You are so lucky.

  2. Hang on. I thought it was renamed 'Freedom kissing' like fries were renamed?

  3. This is a venial sin? What if my man seed is not spewed forth? Or is it a mortal sin since I am not only falling to my own homosexualist feminist leanings and flagging myself in front of the Man up there but also absorbing my own man seeds while losing a low lead post converter exhaust product that sometimes goes backwards and makes it hard to sit on my bicycle seat? Thanks Jed for making my vasectomy a reason to find a suitable, gracious, and accomodating spouse to hold my Robertson.

  4. Hell has gotta be full of Frenchkissosexualists, that's for damned sure! Or mebbe "sure damned." Good thing that Damnator-in-Chief Schlock didn't see anything happening in the Spartanal way, eh?

  5. "Patting the Robertson," eh? That formulation lends itself to all sorts of possibilities.

    Wagging the Swaggart. Yankin' the Franklin (Graham). Shaking the Bakker. Rubbing blush on the Tammy, if you're a not-man. Oraling the Roberts (if you're REALLY flexible. I once saw a movie of that.)

    I'm sure Teh Gen'l's readers, devoted to televangelists as they are, could help me out with some others.

  6. I have been to Brother Jed's house... Very nice ranch style in Columbia Mo

  7. General, Sir:
    Wait a minute. I may have masturbated once, by mistake. A Cheryl Tiegs poster may have been involved.

    I was in college (at Michigan State where we were all Spartans and wise therefore in the ways of naked wrestling). But I digress.

    Who didn't "experiment" in college?

    Does this make me gay? I am VERY concerned about this.

  8. General, Sir:

    Jed's speekins' gotta be pahrful gud. He's got the "O Face" goin' on, and he's just TALKIN' bout it!

  9. Richard said...
    "General, Sir: Wait a minute. I may have masturbated once, by mistake."

    Don't feel bad, brother. I did that one time too. You see, I thought it was someone ELSE! Imagine my surprise when I found out it was ME! What a mess -- had the tube sock in the wrong position and everything, but I'll spare you the details...

  10. Richard,
    Yes. You're a raging queen. Don't go pretending that you hand slipped 50 odd times. You've given a man a handjob, for God's sake! If it were a stranger & money was involved, it might be ok. You know and have a deep relationship with this person, don't you?
    You do lots of things with this man. Even if you have a cover story girlfriend, I bet you spend more time with him! It's clear. It is irrefutable. You are having a gay relationship with the same man you are giving sexual gratification to. Off to Hell with ye!


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.