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Friday, February 04, 2011

Brother Jed Ain't No Frenchman

Brother Jed Smock
The Campus Ministry USA

Dear Brother Jed,

I've been a big fan of yours since I heard you preach about patting the robertson. That's how I learned that loping one's mule is a homosexualist act. It's like you said, "When you masturbate, you're already sort of a homosexual, because by nature, self-gratification is a same-sex act."

But now, after seeing this video, I gotta say I love you even more (in a purely heterosexual-lifestyle-embracing kind of way, of course). It's not often I come across a guy who can so quickly point out new, strange acts of immorality I never dreamed existed.

I mean, you took one look at those homosexualists and immediately declared they were "kissing in that French way." Dang, that was fast. I didn't even know what the heck you were talking about at first. I didn't see berets or snails, or even toast.

I finally had to look it up, and, by gawd, I wish I hadn't. Apparently, the French stick their tongues into each other's mouths. I can't imagine anyone doing that except to maybe save a life--my wife, OfJoshua, is always saving Mr. Rodriquez's life that way; good thing he lives next door.

I bet Obama kisses his wife in that French way--it's kinda socialist and France is foreign, like Kenya.

No way Reagan or W ever did it.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot.

10 comments:

  1. When did Mr Garcia move out and Mr Rodriguez move in? Gosh, OfJoshua sure is a generous and giving woman to be so neighborly in a serial kind of way. You are so lucky.

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  2. Hang on. I thought it was renamed 'Freedom kissing' like fries were renamed?

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  3. This is a venial sin? What if my man seed is not spewed forth? Or is it a mortal sin since I am not only falling to my own homosexualist feminist leanings and flagging myself in front of the Man up there but also absorbing my own man seeds while losing a low lead post converter exhaust product that sometimes goes backwards and makes it hard to sit on my bicycle seat? Thanks Jed for making my vasectomy a reason to find a suitable, gracious, and accomodating spouse to hold my Robertson.

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  4. Hell has gotta be full of Frenchkissosexualists, that's for damned sure! Or mebbe "sure damned." Good thing that Damnator-in-Chief Schlock didn't see anything happening in the Spartanal way, eh?

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  5. "Patting the Robertson," eh? That formulation lends itself to all sorts of possibilities.

    Wagging the Swaggart. Yankin' the Franklin (Graham). Shaking the Bakker. Rubbing blush on the Tammy, if you're a not-man. Oraling the Roberts (if you're REALLY flexible. I once saw a movie of that.)

    I'm sure Teh Gen'l's readers, devoted to televangelists as they are, could help me out with some others.

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  6. I have been to Brother Jed's house... Very nice ranch style in Columbia Mo

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  7. General, Sir:
    Wait a minute. I may have masturbated once, by mistake. A Cheryl Tiegs poster may have been involved.

    I was in college (at Michigan State where we were all Spartans and wise therefore in the ways of naked wrestling). But I digress.

    Who didn't "experiment" in college?

    Does this make me gay? I am VERY concerned about this.

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  8. General, Sir:

    Jed's speekins' gotta be pahrful gud. He's got the "O Face" goin' on, and he's just TALKIN' bout it!

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  9. Richard said...
    "General, Sir: Wait a minute. I may have masturbated once, by mistake."

    Don't feel bad, brother. I did that one time too. You see, I thought it was someone ELSE! Imagine my surprise when I found out it was ME! What a mess -- had the tube sock in the wrong position and everything, but I'll spare you the details...

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  10. Richard,
    Yes. You're a raging queen. Don't go pretending that you hand slipped 50 odd times. You've given a man a handjob, for God's sake! If it were a stranger & money was involved, it might be ok. You know and have a deep relationship with this person, don't you?
    You do lots of things with this man. Even if you have a cover story girlfriend, I bet you spend more time with him! It's clear. It is irrefutable. You are having a gay relationship with the same man you are giving sexual gratification to. Off to Hell with ye!

    ReplyDelete

We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.