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Monday, February 07, 2011

Riding Mower of the Apocalypse Spotted in Cairo

J Matt Barber
Heterosexual Lifestyle Activist

Dear Mr. Barber,

I saw your tweet about the appearance of Revelation's pale horseman in Cairo. I've looked at the video, and I have to disagree with the salacious description of the figure as an "erect rider atop a horse in Medieval-like barding."

First of all, it's not a rider on a horse. Take a close look at it. It's obviously a guy on a riding mower, and the supposed erection is nothing more than his arm reaching for the steering wheel.

Still, it's an important sign from God that the end days are at hand. If you enlarge the video, you'll see that the name "Joe" appears in fiery greenish tones beneath the riding mower. That means this ghostly figure is "Joe the Mower," the second Regular Guy of the Apocalypse (the first being Joe the Plumber). Soon, he'll be followed by the rest of the Village People Regular Guys of the Apocalypse, "Joe the Cattle Inseminator" and "Joe the Coffee Shop Ranter," and then the tribulations begin.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. I have naught to say but this:

    Mon General, You RULE!!!!

  2. General, Sir!

    Whilst I would never dare to say you are wrong, the image clearly shows a Yellow Submarine. This is a sign that the Beatles plan to reunite (even the dead ones). I think rather than the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse, it is the 4 musicians of the apocalypse.
    Still, I find it appropriate to think that people will be slaughtered as part of the end times to the tune of 'She loves you, yeah, yeah, yeah'.

  3. General, Sir:

    Correspondent and faithful adherent, BC, has it right, except that the Musicians of the Acropoplypso are not the Beatles, they are sons of the Dark Prince (not The Dorklord Cheney--the "other" one). The real MoA are Michael Bolton, Kenny G.,Pat Boone and "JaggyJon" Ashcroft. There will be others, including Cletus, who will come here to bear false witless--they are liars (especially Cletus). Kenny G., btw, may be a few days late--he's still got a week left as the "Foreplayer" at "Feelin' Good Gents' Club".

  4. Who rides a mower with a boehner, anyway? Sure, when you're too fat to balance on the Harley any more, the vibrations feel real good if you hold yourself JUST right in the seat above the motor at 3,200 rpm, especially if you're going commando in loose Bermuda shorts... Not that I'd know anything about that, of course. Because I'd never have a woody when I'm getting grassy. Too much risk of dickapitation.

  5. Dear god, Democommie!
    I knew the end times would be horrible, but I never thought it would be so horrific.
    When the time comes and someone points a Kenny G at me, promise you will kill me first!!!

  6. Amazingly, any time you take a picture of "fire" or "light" you will see a horseman of the apocalypse riding opposite it. His name is Lens Flare.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.