Help Me Reach 12 on the Manly Scale of Absolute Gender

If you like the patriotic work we're doing, please consider donating a few dollars. We could use it. (if asked for my email, use "")

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Wrestling for Jesus

My old friend, Rob Adonis, is recruiting.

We're traded a few emails in the past.

Reserve May 2nd on your calendars

Dear Mr. Adonis,

It occurred to us while we were planning our annual Christian Militia Old Time Revival and Tribulation Preparedness Expo that your wrestling ministry would be a perfect fit for Manly Bonding Night. Are you available on May 2nd? Manly Bonding Night is always the highlight of the Revival/Expo, so we like to hold it on Joe McCarthy's birthday .

We'd want it to be a participatory event We are all experienced wrestlers. It's part of our regular training--there's just nothing quite like the feeling you get when you embrace another man in physical combat. As your arms and legs entangle, you become a single testosterone pumping organism, a writhing mass of man flesh engaged in a glorious act as old as Man himself. Your bodies clench and your muscles spasm until finally release comes in the form of victory over your prostrate opponent, and the single organism returns to its former state of being two men, united only in exhaustion and exhilaration.

If there are any warriors among you, they are welcome to wrestle us in the fashion to which we are accustomed. That is to say, naked, in the manner of the ancient Spartan warriors. It's the way true men of war bond, and it is second only in sacredness to our covenant with Our Lord, Jesus.

With a name like Adonis, I imagined you to have long, flowing, golden locks like Gorgeous George. I must admit that I was a bit disappointed when I saw your picture. Don't get me wrong. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a military style buzz cut. It's just that I expected you to look more like the traditional wrestling Adonis. May is still nearly a year away, perhaps you could bleach it and grow it out a bit.

Please let me know if you're available.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

Adonis Replies

Rob Adonis responded to my invitation to have his wrestling ministry perform at the Christian Militia Old Time Revival and Tribulations Preparedness Expo. Here's what he had to say:
From: "Rob Adonis"
To: [Gen. JC Christian, patriot]
Subject: RE: Ultimate Christian Wrestling

Mr. Christian,

By the way:
It is not a military buzz cut - It is a Caesar Cut
No I wont grow it out and color it.
No I won't wrestle like YOU are acustom to - You will not be a part of the
show. You are a fan

We will come and minister and perform anywhere, including the (C.M.O.T.R.&
T.P.E.) - BUT, we do it on our terms, our way, or no way. We WILL NOT
CONFORM to anything other than where GOD LEADS US. We come to minister and
entertain. UCW is not a PARTICIPATORY SHOW. Fans are not allowed to enter
the ring in any way.

Feel fre to write back for pricing information and scheduling info.

P.S. Why Joe McCarthy's Birthday. Is this the SENATOR JOE McCarthy as in the
Communist RED SCARE of the 1950's?


Although I don't like the tone of his reply, I still want to hire his wrestling ministry. After all, wresting and Jesus are bigger than the both of us.

Here's my reply:

Dear Mr. Adonis,

I writing you in the hopes that you will change your mind and let us participate in your wrestling event. I think the Lord wants us to do this. That said, it is your ministry, so you'd still be in charge. We'd be happy to participate within whatever guidelines you set.

We understand that your show is about good triumphing over evil. We have no problem with that. Of course, we would want to play the good guys since the audience will be filled with our fellow Christian militiamen. Your wrestlers could play evil roles like "the liberal," "the homosexual," "the atheist," "the secular humanist," and "the science teacher."

The silver headed wrestler who wears the shorts with the lips painted over his huge, bulging package would be perfect in the role of the homosexual--he already has the suit. I'd like to be the guy who wrestles him if possible, because in the past, I've encountered difficulty in resisting the hypnotic powers of a homosexual's bulge. By defeating him, I would show my men that I've overcome this problem. Do you think he'd be willing to grow his hair out and bleach it? I hope so.

You've nixed the idea of wrestling in the fashion of the ancient Spartan warriors for yourself, but have you asked your wrestlers? If not, please ask them to consider it. There are few better ways of bonding than to press naked man flesh against naked man flesh in an heterosexual orgy of godly combat. Heck, we could even project the movie Spartacus onto the screen behind the ring. That would be fabulous!

Please give my ideas your consideration.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot

p.s. I noticed you addressed me as "Mr." Christian in your note. I am the commanding general of the American Christian Militia. Please address me as General Christian in future correspondence.


  1. Sir, as this adonis individual doesn't seem to know how to address you in the proper terms, I begin to wonder if he might be one of those 'anchor babies' we have been hearing about. After all, 'Adonis' isn't exactly a Judeo-Christian name you hear bandied about at the meetings in Cletus' basement. You know the ones, where we all talk about how them swarthy types are keeping us white people from being CEO's of Goldman-Sachs?

  2. I would think that Rob would be all-in for some Spartan rasslin'. Adonis was a Greek name, after all.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.