Repent Amarillo
Dear Pastor Grisham,
Congratulations on receiving an endorsement for your mayoral run from fellow Quran burning pastor, Terry Jones. It's heartening to see such a valiant practitioner of spiritual warfare seek public office. I have faith that God will aid you in this race, so you can bring the full power of the city against such evils as breast cancer events and Halloween.You certainly have Satan's attention. He's already attempted to convince the Amarillo Independent that your you're some kind of secret sodomitist. Thankfully, you jumped on it quickly and convinced the editors to write this retraction:
In The Amarillo Independent’s story about Repent Amarillo’s head, David Grisham, running for Amarillo mayor, we reported that he said he was a former homosexual. Grisham has requested a correction in an e-mail which reads, in part, “I have NEVER been gay. I have NEVER had a gay experience. I have NEVER said I was gay or had a gay experience. What I told you in the interview was that I had gay friends that died of the consequences of their lifestyle. I admitted that I was an adulterer and a heterosexual fornicator, which in the eyes of God is just as bad. This was back in the early 80's when I was young and wild. I do not believe you are lying George, just mistaken.”Although, I want to blame the whole thing on Lucifer, Lord of Darkness, Flies, and Breast Cancer Events, I must admit that it's also possible the Independent's unnamed sources made an honest mistake. Perhaps they saw you performing some innocent act that could be wrongly interpreted as evidence that you lack of commitment to the heterosexual life.
In undertaking the investigation of Repent Amarillo and Grisham, the Independent talked with several sources who said they knew him in those years and alleged he was gay. They would not permit their names to be used or to go on the record. We have removed the reference to Grisham being gay in this update of the Feb. 14 story, which should have noted the distinction. The Independent regrets the confusion.
We've all experienced such misunderstandings. I can't tell you how many times I've been kneeling down in a public restroom when some guy accidentally puts his little soldier in my mouth. It surprises the hell out of you, no matter how many hundreds of times it's happened before. Your first thought is that the guy might be snake-bit, so you suck and you suck until you taste the venom. But then the guy gives you ten bucks, tousles your hair, and calls you his "sweet little blowfish" and it dawns on you that maybe it wasn't venom after all.
I hate it when that happens. You can almost hear the other restroom patrons' unvoiced disgust at what they wrongly perceive to be your homosexualist tendencies as they jockey for position in the line that quickly forms in front of you.
You know what I mean. Perhaps that's what those unnamed sources were talking about.
Heterosexually yours,
Gen. JC Christian, patriot
