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Friday, February 18, 2011

Branded by an Innocent Snake-Bite Treatment Attempt

David Grisham
Repent Amarillo

Dear Pastor Grisham,

Congratulations on receiving an endorsement for your mayoral run from fellow Quran burning pastor, Terry Jones. It's heartening to see such a valiant practitioner of spiritual warfare seek public office. I have faith that God will aid you in this race, so you can bring the full power of the city against such evils as breast cancer events and Halloween.

You certainly have Satan's attention. He's already attempted to convince the Amarillo Independent that your you're some kind of secret sodomitist. Thankfully, you jumped on it quickly and convinced the editors to write this retraction:
In The Amarillo Independent’s story about Repent Amarillo’s head, David Grisham, running for Amarillo mayor, we reported that he said he was a former homosexual. Grisham has requested a correction in an e-mail which reads, in part, “I have NEVER been gay. I have NEVER had a gay experience. I have NEVER said I was gay or had a gay experience. What I told you in the interview was that I had gay friends that died of the consequences of their lifestyle. I admitted that I was an adulterer and a heterosexual fornicator, which in the eyes of God is just as bad. This was back in the early 80's when I was young and wild. I do not believe you are lying George, just mistaken.”

In undertaking the investigation of Repent Amarillo and Grisham, the Independent talked with several sources who said they knew him in those years and alleged he was gay. They would not permit their names to be used or to go on the record. We have removed the reference to Grisham being gay in this update of the Feb. 14 story, which should have noted the distinction. The Independent regrets the confusion.
Although, I want to blame the whole thing on Lucifer, Lord of Darkness, Flies, and Breast Cancer Events, I must admit that it's also possible the Independent's unnamed sources made an honest mistake. Perhaps they saw you performing some innocent act that could be wrongly interpreted as evidence that you lack of commitment to the heterosexual life.

We've all experienced such misunderstandings. I can't tell you how many times I've been kneeling down in a public restroom when some guy accidentally puts his little soldier in my mouth. It surprises the hell out of you, no matter how many hundreds of times it's happened before. Your first thought is that the guy might be snake-bit, so you suck and you suck until you taste the venom. But then the guy gives you ten bucks, tousles your hair, and calls you his "sweet little blowfish" and it dawns on you that maybe it wasn't venom after all.

I hate it when that happens. You can almost hear the other restroom patrons' unvoiced disgust at what they wrongly perceive to be your homosexualist tendencies as they jockey for position in the line that quickly forms in front of you.

You know what I mean. Perhaps that's what those unnamed sources were talking about.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. Perhaps, General, perhaps....

  2. I wonder whether breast cancer could be cured by similar suckling of the afflicted part, in order to draw out the cancervenom? I would be willing to volunteer as a resucksearcher, preferably on not-men in the 45-year-old and younger category. In fact, I think the best research methodology would be a longitudinal suckstudy starting with preventive venom-withdrawal efforts beginning with girls on their 18th birthday, and continuing for as many years as I have the mouthmuscles to do the work. If the young ladies don't get cancer, my method will be proven, and I will die a happy man.

  3. This smacks of neo-McCarthyism.
    "Are you, or have you ever been, a member of the gay community?"

    Charlie Chaplin said very similar words to Grisham. He admitted to being a little bit socialist in his younger knockabout days, but NEVER a commie. We all know he was Stalin's best friend and deserved to be hounded and ruined.

    Grisham has been a member of the gay community. The Armadillo had proof. I think he is a spy, like all the proven commies were. I think he is a plant. The moment he gets power, the Quran burning stops and the gay agenda starts. Its obvious.

    PS. Bukko, Your self sacrifice, with little regard to personal risk, to the greater good is awe inspiring.

  4. General, Sir:

    Sorry, I ain't buyin' it. If the Wholly Babble has taught me anything, it's this: There is no such thing as an "innocent" snake, they're all creatures of darkness.

    I have seen my share of snake handlers, including those who would put the snake's head in their mouths. I never seen any of 'em get paid $10, though. It was always just oneathem, "Love offering" things. I love to offer a lot less than the church wants.

  5. General, Sir:

    Color me red with embarassment. I just re-read your original missive and seen that I inflated "innocent" with "snake" instead of "-bite treatment attempt", my bad. I see now how easy it is to make mistakes and jump to conclusions. Still, you know what they say, "Suck the poison out of one little soldier...".

    Hey, Sir, is that Matt Sanchez in that ad for "Mile Men" on the right sidebar? He looks very angry, in a pouty, "Come hither and get some discipline from daddy." sortaway. I bet he'd make Mr. Gaysham's little soldier swell up like it was snakebit.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.