Matthew W. Lloyd
Assistant Federal Security Director For Law Enforcement and
Witch Finding, Albany International Airport
Transportation Security Administration
cc: Transportation Security Officer Mary Bagnoli, TSA
Dear Asst. Director Lloyd,
Before I report my problem, I want to thank you for your quick action in firing that witch, Carole Smith. It isn't often in today's secularofascist society, that a supervisor recognizes that hexing car heaters qualifies as violence in the workplace. I salute you for your vigilance.
Unfortunately, it appears that the car heater hex victim, TSO Mary Bagnoli, may have also committed an act of spiritual terrorism. I believe I'm her victim.
It happened last night. After spending an evening honoring the troops at my favorite Seattle-area sailor bar, I woke up, naked and sticky, in the establishment's restroom. That's not unusual in itself. Satan tempts me more than other men. He understands that if he can turn a man of God, many others will follow. But Lucifer always fails. I use Jesus' redemptive powers and Mr. Thor's Great and Terrible Spatula of Repentance to thwart his plans. He'll never have me for more than a few hours.
But this time it was different. Part of the southern-most-positioned portion of my man hair (if you know what I mean) was missing. What was left appeared to be trimmed in the shape of a heart. It was embarrassing as hell. Even Mr. Thor couldn't hide his smirk.
I couldn't figure out how it had happened, so I knelt down in prayer and asked the Lord to explain. Almost immediately, he responded by planting the explanation in my mind. TSO Mary Bagnoli was to blame. Angry about my post urging the use of vienna sausages in TSA body scanners, she had prayed an imprecatory prayer against me, resulting in my man hair loss.
God apologized, explaining that TSO Bagnoli is always asking him to smite people in their secret parts, and He just wanted to shut her up. That was good enough for me, although I did suggest that if His conscience still bothered him, He might find it useful to visit Mr. Thor.
Still, I believe TSO Bagnoli should receive the same punishment you gave TSO Smith. An imprecatory prayer assault against a man's hairs is just as wrong as a hex on a car heater, perhaps even more so, given the amount of ridicule the former prompts.
Please consider firing TSO Bagnoli immediately.
Gen. JC Christian, patriot