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Wednesday, March 30, 2011

A TSA Officer Wages Spiritual Terrorism Against my Man Hairs

Matthew W. Lloyd
Assistant Federal Security Director For Law Enforcement and
Witch Finding, Albany International Airport
Transportation Security Administration

cc: Transportation Security Officer Mary Bagnoli, TSA

Dear Asst. Director Lloyd,

Before I report my problem, I want to thank you for your quick action in firing that witch, Carole Smith. It isn't often in today's secularofascist society, that a supervisor recognizes that hexing car heaters qualifies as violence in the workplace. I salute you for your vigilance.

Unfortunately, it appears that the car heater hex victim, TSO Mary Bagnoli, may have also committed an act of spiritual terrorism. I believe I'm her victim.

It happened last night. After spending an evening honoring the troops at my favorite Seattle-area sailor bar, I woke up, naked and sticky, in the establishment's restroom. That's not unusual in itself. Satan tempts me more than other men. He understands that if he can turn a man of God, many others will follow. But Lucifer always fails. I use Jesus' redemptive powers and Mr. Thor's Great and Terrible Spatula of Repentance to thwart his plans. He'll never have me for more than a few hours.

But this time it was different. Part of the southern-most-positioned portion of my man hair (if you know what I mean) was missing. What was left appeared to be trimmed in the shape of a heart. It was embarrassing as hell. Even Mr. Thor couldn't hide his smirk.

I couldn't figure out how it had happened, so I knelt down in prayer and asked the Lord to explain. Almost immediately, he responded by planting the explanation in my mind. TSO Mary Bagnoli was to blame. Angry about my post urging the use of vienna sausages in TSA body scanners, she had prayed an imprecatory prayer against me, resulting in my man hair loss.

God apologized, explaining that TSO Bagnoli is always asking him to smite people in their secret parts, and He just wanted to shut her up. That was good enough for me, although I did suggest that if His conscience still bothered him, He might find it useful to visit Mr. Thor.

Still, I believe TSO Bagnoli should receive the same punishment you gave TSO Smith. An imprecatory prayer assault against a man's hairs is just as wrong as a hex on a car heater, perhaps even more so, given the amount of ridicule the former prompts.

Please consider firing TSO Bagnoli immediately.

Heterosexually yours,

Gen. JC Christian, patriot


  1. General sir!
    To be cursed with a shaving is unmanly and degrading. Frankly, committing suicide is the only redemption.
    I was cursed with Golden Hemorrhoids. Fortunately, I've friends at both the Sailor's bar and 'Feelin' Good Gent's Club'. Each Saturday night, all my friends line up outside the bathroom to help try and dislodge them. It seems to be difficult for them because they are always moaning and groaning whilst dislodging. The never last more than a few minutes each. It seems God sure fixed them in good. This has been going on for 3 years and I still wake up Sunday sore and with a funny sense of shame - no doubt shame of still having Golden Hemorrhoids.

  2. I just this morning prayed for Justice Scalia to splooge against his dash--not only did he do it, he was so excited he ended up causing a "Four Car Accident"! That's what we used to call it ("4 Car Pile Up") when we'd gather in the bushes behind the little dog park next to the freeway offramp--"4 Car Pile Up" meant they caught you coming and going. And no, I don't know who "they" are.

  3. BC:

    Damn, dude, were you in the nun's outfit or the wetsuit. Shoulda told me it was you, I'd comped the drinks!

    General, Sir:

    I was playing trivia last night and one of the questions was "What are the only two areas of the human body that have no hair follicles. Well, shit, pard, Sir; I knew that was a trick question, so I just wrote the answer I knew was right--the soles of the feet. Then the host of the contest says that it is the soles of the feet and PALMS of the hands. Well, I'm here to tell you that I got the points I deserved, after showing him my hands. We all had a good laugh, them more than me, I think.

  4. Because THAT'S who's really being religiously harassed at work, the poor, picked-upon Christians forced to be in the presence of heathens, apostates and heretics... Being exposed to Satan like that ought to be grounds for Social Security disability payments for the lifespan of the oppressed Christian worker.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.