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Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Revisiting the Helpful Hebrews of Hollow Earth

A lot of you snickered back in 2005 when I first mentioned that Rodney Cluff was organizing an expedition to explore hollow Earth. The more faithless among you mocked our traditional folk Mormon belief that the lost tribes of Israel had entered the Earth via openings near the poles and live there to this day. You treated the whole concept like it was something as crazy as the rapture. Well now, Rodney, has proof.

Elder Cluff's proof doesn't come from the expedition--it's been delayed multiple times while he tries to raise the necessary funding--but from something even better. Elder Cluff has found a Hollow Earthian.

He is Col. Billie Faye Woodard. His story is unimpeachable. After all, only a communist would dare question the truthfulness of a retired Air Force officer who had risked his life serving his country at Area 51.

According to Elder Cluff, Col. Woodward was born in Hollow Earth on Sept 18, 1951, and then taken to Wichita Falls, Texas and left in a garbage can. Police soon found him and gave him to an Air Force couple to raise.

Life wasn't easy for Billie. He wasn't like the other boys. Like most Hollow Earthians, he was born with both male and female sex organs. Eventually, at aged ten, the Air Force sealed his vagina and things got better.

Billie joined the Air Force after high school and was immediately commissioned as a colonel and assigned to Area 51, where he became an ambassador to Telos, a sacred Hollow Earthian city located below Mt Shasta.

Today, Col Woodward spends his time making special headbands which ease telepathic communication with Hollow Earthians. The headbands consist of a copper headband with a crystal and a silver or gold coin attached to it. He's now offering a special deal on them:
They are normally $200. However, they will be $95 for this time period. Here is the process. You will need to locate a special crystal that “speaks” to you for this purpose. If you wish, you may want to employ a pendulum or do muscle testing to be sure. Then you will need to obtain a one ounce silver coin, or you can use gold if you wish which has a stronger “beacon” so to speak. Mail it to Billie being sure to insure the package. Include a $95 money order or you can prepay on Paypal if you wish. As he has done in the past on a number of occasions, the headband will be made and shipped back to you, insured of course, at his cost. You will need to tell him how much to insure the package for.


  1. I've seen a pitcher of onnathem Hollow Earthlings, and I sure hope she didn't have that operation that Maj. Capt. BillyFaye had.

    (Explainator's note: Dan or Tammy could tell ya that "Savage Pellucidar" was one of Edgar Rice Burroughs' books about a civilization that existed inside a hollow Earth, jest in case you didn't get the joke, eh?)

  2. General, Sir:

    I'm afraid that all of the one ounce gold and silver coins, as well as whatever folding money might have been in the super-secret-doublecrypto coffee can that you keep on the fourth shelf of the spermatazoan warrior barracks/storage facility in the compound's cellar (leastwise, that's the only one we know about) has been rifled and is, sadly, empty. If you let me know where else to look I can ensure that other repositories don't suffer the same fate.

    Sir, it's really none of my business and certainly not my place to suggest it but if Col. Woodenwillie wants to communicate with some heavenly bodies he should drop by Feelin' Good Gents' Club around happy hour.

  3. Isn't that plot ripped off from The Land of the Lost?

  4. Now that gold and silver coins are official legal tender in Utah, this could get interesting.

  5. That’s funny. I thought “muscle testing” had an altogether different meaning.


We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.