***EXCLUSIVE - MUST CREDIT JESUS' GENERAL OR YOU WILL FEEL MY GREAT AND TERRIBLE WRATH****
By now, you've all read Gingrich spokesman Rick Tyler's epic poem about Sir Newt, but did you know that all the accounts published so far have been incomplete? For the first time, the full poem is printed below (the newly discovered text appears in bold):
he literati sent out their minions to do their bidding. Washington cannot tolerate threats from outsiders who might disrupt their comfortable world. The firefight started when the cowardly sensed weakness.They fired timidly at first, then the sheep not wanting to be dropped from the establishment's cocktail party invite list unloaded their entire clip, firing without taking aim their distortions and falsehoods. Now they are left exposed by their bylines and handles.
But surely they had killed him off. This is the way it always worked. A lesser person could not have survived the first few minutes of the onslaught. But out of the billowing smoke and dust of tweets and trivia emerged Gingrich, once again ready to lead those who won't be intimated by the political elite and are ready to take on the challenges America faces.
And in his heroic hand he held his rigid staff of great and terrible cuckoldry. Pointing it toward the literati, he boldly declared "Behold Little Buford, the Pork Master, and tremble before it."
The sight of Little Buford touched the darkest pockets the literati's spleens, for they saw the throbbing of its veins and the tell-tale discharge of its cold sores. All their bravado evaporated into a mist of sudden understanding: Newt's staff was infused with the power of Idaho Larry--It had absorbed the ancient magic of the random blow job. Infection was as certain as cuckoldry.