In preparation for Saturday's Rapture, I'm sharing my top ten rapture tips:10. Pass gas before leaving atmosphere to prevent embarrassing trajectory changes.
9. Bring a firearm in case some bastard cuts you off at the Kolob exit.
8. Refrain from drinking liquids--God ain't going to pull over.
7. Good manners dictate that you shake Jesus' hand before hugging Ayn Rand and punching Gandhi.
6. Call out greetings to friends immediately after liftoff--in space, no one can hear you scream.
5. To decrease atmospheric friction, refrain from using Cialis, Viagra, or any other hardening agents after midnight on Friday.
4. Wear clean underwear; you don't want to embarrass your mother if you're the bastard who cuts me off at the Kolob exit.
3. Bring a big bottle of Aquafina. Jesus loves a good wine.
2. Don't buzz the Jews.
1. Keep your sunroof open.
Thanks I'm passing this along to my FaceBook friends. They need to know.
ReplyDeleteI'm torn on this rapture stuff on Saturday. Should I do the Book Report anyway? And, if so, what book should I do? Suggestions welcome.
ReplyDeleteMy birthday is Friday, so I plan to party like there's no tomorrow!
ReplyDeleteGeneral,
ReplyDeleteI've been a good Christian. Thing is, I'm still a bit nervy about whether I'll get raptured or not. I mean, which flavour was right? Catholics, Protestants, Anglicans, Baptists?
What if my neighbour, Mohammed Al-Taliban gets raptured and I don't? Is there some sort of appeal process? if not, how will Mohammed's new car get distributed to me as God would want?
General, Sir:
ReplyDeleteIn anticipation that I will not be within sniffing distance of being a Rapturee I've rented a fleet of tow trucks to use in the retrieval of the cars that those folks won't be needing anymore.
BTW, for those of you who have forgotten, this saturday, same as every saturday is, "'All you can eat' Wings Nite" at Feelin' Good Gents' Club. I am told that some of our exotical dancers will be removing THEIR clothes in anticipation of some rapturous behavior. Can I get an, "AMEN!"?
SeattleDan'n'Tammy:
Hey, it ain't quite finished yet, but "Al Fresco Dining With The Donners--The Third White Meat" is in "Galley Proofs"* and it would be my honor and privilege to share it with our gentle (and famished) readership. I'd like to do some "test kitchening" stuff so if you would just cover the expenses for renting some equipment and provisioning the set we can get on with it. A certified check or wire transfer, in the amount of $16,831.28 will be just right.
Thanks!
* Galley = kitchen, har, har--it's a play on words, noi'msane?
Would Helmet Tip #11 be: "Rub sunscreen all over yourself because it's bright up there?" It would also be helpful if one is Ruptured Down the other way, because it will probably be bright from all the burning brimstone. Either way, come 5:55 PM Saturday, I'm gonna be lying on the bed all nekkid, slathering myself with SP-50. In fact, it sounds so enticing, I think I'll try a practice run soon as I'm finished with this.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Dan: Do a book report on the best thing to read on the beach in Heaven! Plus in Heaven, all things will be known, so you don't have to worry about spilling a plot-spoiler in your review.
11. send $20.00 (per kitty) to fred c dobbs for pet sitting service while visiting jebus.
ReplyDeleteKeep watching the skies! Because you might see summayer neighbours there!
ReplyDeleteI'd like to ask something: If by administrative error, I don't get ruptured, can I shoot someone flying up & take their place?
ReplyDeleteDo we have change our clocks, like Jesus Soul Savings Time? That's a pain in the ass. Yeah, I said it.
ReplyDeletewould it be considered cheating or helpful if one lit ones farts in order to lighten the load for Jesus and give a little tail wind for escape velocity .p.s i am concerned that my bones may snap like old dry twigs at 9 gs escape velocity should i tape my legs together to add rigidity to my structure i figured to leave my arms loose for cornering and maybe flapping like a bird for deceleration.pss the other week i put a twenty on the plate instead of the usual ten i know the serial numbers on it so would i be able to get the other ten before i go as i want a last big mac meal deal in case they don't have a franchise there .regards the motorcycle messiah
ReplyDeletei know its tempting for girls when flying naked like the rest of us to some times conceal some worldly possession somewhere but it makes it dangerous for others to do this as at i am only mentioning this as a freind of mine was hit but a sewing machine last week .regards the motorcycle messiaH
ReplyDeleteGeneral, Sir:
ReplyDeleteI was just talking to Lenny, the marketing genius (and a fine man, despeite being an ex-con) about "trending" on this blog and he said the overnights indicate that blog posts featurin'shotguns, levitatin' KKKristians and the possibility of some "upskirtin' are pollin' like, teh HUGE.
He suggests doin'one every day.
BTW, I thought the KKKristians was to leave their clothes behind. I feel a bit cheated,
#12 Millions being raptured will solve the countries unemployment problem. If you're not going, feel free to pad your resume with positions and honors that only a rapturee could have vouched for.
ReplyDeleteOnly 12 million? Wow. The world really is a place of sin.
ReplyDeleteSkeet shooting. I can see sitting on a hillside with a lawn chair an a cooler of beer and a couple cases of buckshot. I mean why not they are raptured right.
ReplyDeleteOops. That was supposed to mean Tip #12, I dunno if 12 million rapturees would be enough to solve unemployment. After you subtract the kids, the retired, the not-men and the various non-productive political parasite types you probably still need to have way more than 12 million rapturees.
ReplyDeleteTip #13:
ReplyDeleteBe sure to take your time salvaging the clothes left behind by rapturees. A little extra care checking the area for jewelery, gold teeth and silver fillings may pay off nicely. Wallets and inside pockets often have cash but don't forget to take credit cards and blank checks as well. Remember that you can't steal from somebody in heaven, you are just helping maintain the economy by returning unneeded funds back into circulation.
Tip #14:
ReplyDeleteThere are an estimated 2.2 billion Christians globally, accounting for about 1/3 of the world's population. Each of them is 18% carbon. By all accounts, when they go directly to heaven, they take their carbon with them. Plus they won't be exhaling carbon dioxide or burning fossil fuels. With less carbon in the biosphere and a decreased popultion maybe we can get a break from that global warming thing.
Damn! After reading Brother Bodiciah's last few tips, I'm even sorrowier that Teh Rupture didn't happen. There would have been a lot of good economic and environmental side effects for those of us laughed behind. I guess I can keep praying that Saint Crumping mighta forgot to carry a one in his calculations somewhere and the sinless amongst us will still be stripped nekkid and sucked up to Heavin. I'm not gonna be one of 'em, but if Bodi's right, it's gona be even better than I thought to remain here in hell.
ReplyDeletePlease remember to keep your legs together as you ascend into bliss. No-one Left Behind wants to look up and see your hooh-hah. Men in kilts: This Means You!
ReplyDeleteOther tips for how to dress for the rapture at http://rewinn.blogspot.com/2011/05/top-five-tips-on-how-to-dress-for.html
Viagra and such helps with altitude change.. So if you're going up it may help..
ReplyDeleteApparently, the prevalence of "the just" was grossly overestimated. Damn! About mid-afternoon there was some sort of a ruckus next door, where that nice young couple just moved in. Followed by, very distinctly, "yes, yes, Oh GOD, YES!!" Then, less clearly, "....coming too." So naturally I thought 'Rapture Time' and jumped in my truck to get first shot at those Operation Rescue folks, over at the abortion clinic.
ReplyDeleteDisappointment, that's the story of my life.
Water? uugh!
ReplyDelete