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Thursday, June 23, 2011

The Newt: A Docudrama

***MUST CREDIT JESUS' GENERAL***

I've learned from sources very close to Newt Gingrich that he's shooting a docudrama based on his presidential run. Late last night, a high ranking janitorial aide to the former Speaker sent me the following script which depicts Newt's reaction to staff resignations:
Newt: And I don't need campaign staff! I don't need fundraisers, (he pushes all of the Tiffany's bills off the desk), and I don't need a fucking janitorial aide. I don't need anything except this (Newt picks up his golden ashtray) and that's it and that's the only thing I need, is this. I don't need this or this. Just this golden ashtray.

And this bejeweled paddle game (picks it up), the golden ashtray and the bejeweled paddle game and that's all I need.

And this diamond encrusted remote control. The golden ashtray, the bejeweled paddle game and the diamond encrusted remote control, and that's all I need.

And these matches made from the wood of Ramses' sarcophagus. The golden ashtray, and these matches made from the wood of Ramses' sarcophagus, and the diamond encrusted remote control and the bejeweled paddle ball.

And this Louis Comfort Tiffany Lotus lamp. The golden ashtray, this bejeweled paddle game and the diamond encrusted remote control and the Louis Comfort Tiffany Lotus lamp and that's all I need. And that's all I need too.

I don't need one other thing, not one - (sees something) I need this! The bejeweled paddle game, and Jefferson Davis's favorite whipping chair, and the diamond encrusted remote control, and the matches made from the wood of Ramses' sarcophagus, for sure.

Well what are you looking at? What do you think I am, some kind of a jerk or something? And this! And that's all I need. The golden ashtray, the diamond encrusted remote control, the bejeweled paddle game, this "Jugs" magazine and Jefferson Davis's favorite whipping chair. And I don't need one other thing except my dog. (Harrods, the dog, growls) Well I don't need my dog.
Developing...

Elsewhere: Filipino Mexicans are taking our Pulitzers!

Update: according to this videotape my source just sent me, Steve Martin has been tapped to play Mr. Gingrich.

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We'll try dumping haloscan and see how it works.

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